h e r [ i ]
her pitch black eyes were fixated at the sealing of her room. white. or was it pink?. she knew it was pink, it had to be, because she had herself paint her room pink, but she saw white. she was loosing the potential to differentiate colors, like how she couldn't differentiate the number of extra sleeping pills she had in her palm.
her cold and numb mind, unthinkable, little by little, but definitely numb. she remembered she had planned to hold the picture frame where she would be standing with Joshua with this unmistakable smile. she looked happy then. what now?. she didn't know. was she sad? she didn't know. she was complicated in a beautiful way.
her ash grey colored bob short hair had sprawled over her face when her body hit the mattress, like a doll that couldn't stand by herself, helpless. but, she hoped someone down there would notice the mismatch and tuck it behind her ears, enhancing her Chinese features and saying something very normal in that process, like "there, you look sexier now.". she wanted to snort despite the sick feeling she felt now. the only person that came to her mind then was, Tala, her college best friend. 'she would do that', she silently whispered, assuring the walls around her.
it has been a while since she left everyone downstairs and after another while her ears could hear Joshua's uncertain call for her, are you okay?, she blinks. is she okay?, she smiles. am i okay?.
her throat suddenly constricts, and it's a new feeling. the feeling that her mother always complained about. the feeling she has never had ever since she remembered. a stone like thing stuck in her throat, a lump, making her breath less easier. was this it. was this how it felt to cry?
but, why would she cry?.
it was Joshua again. she could feel his desperateness. wanting her to reply, to hear her voice, a laugh, anything, even "i'm dead, wanna come see my dead body?." was fine at this point, she knew. her brain vividly remembers the creases his forehead would be in, the wrinkles of worry, it made him look old, she didn't like him looking old though. she wished he would stop frowning often.
her lips would turn purple, right?, right. would Joshua kiss them? or would he touch them? all cold. he should kiss, she thought.
they finally realize. then there is a lot of shuffling downstairs. they reach for her door, it's locked. they knock, call for her, then knock again. Tala swears at her, her mother scolds her best friend. her brother's in an argument with Ethan. her father tries to calm everybody down. they call for her again. she doesn't reply.
her head slowly turns towards the door. the rectangular brown thing. it starts to block the voices. their voices. like they were coming from far far away. it was the pills. it would be silent again. in a while. silent.
her eyes closes unintentionally. weak. tired.
the rectangular brown thing shakes, it shakes and shakes. they wanted to see her. see her at least laugh at their faces saying "fooled ya." then they would all look deadpanned, she would say "now fix my door back again.". they wanted it to be one of her sick jokes. they really did.
it breaks.
and on the thanksgiving night they witness her limp body with her hair covering her closed eyes, turned towards them was, the foam overflowing from her purple lips.
but, Joshua only saw a lonely tear slide down her cheek.
