Chapter 1: Nightmare
We don’t have wings and golden halos. We are not angels. We don’t fly as everyone think of us. I once lived, we were. We are by your side, always. -The Watchers
CHAPTER ONE
Exactly at three o’clock, I was awake by an unusual sense. I look around, just my eyes. A light gentle wind keeps brushing the curtain and I can tell it somehow speaks to me. I paused for a moment to observe my surroundings. The flower on the vase seems calm as if the window is not opened. No sound, no breeze, terrifyingly none. Strange…exactly strange. I don’t know but my sight insists to explore going on the ceiling. In a glimpse, my mind went blank and found myself stuck in a sudden fear.
Darkness creeps inside my room.
I feel frigid, extremely cold. My veins struggle to function normally. I know it’s happening again. That kind of feeling you lost yourself and someone rides your soul and mortal body. Close to convulsion.
“It’s time…” a male voice whispered bleak behind my ears. I tried to close my eyes but I can’t. I can feel the panic of my eyeballs roll in my eyelids. Its crazily escaping the black image on my right side “Hm-mmh” My throat shakes a sound.
I feel so helpless! I can't control my damn body! "Sh*t!" I repeat that word more than hundred times.
I mum with a cry. It can't be helped. And now, I think there's an invisible chain holding my wrists and ankles.
A tear escaped down graciously and my breathing becomes heavy, most likely asthmatic. Abruptly a high pitch sound bang into my ear “Stop! Stop it!” it piercing my eardrums. It ascended higher and louder. Louder and higher on every count of a second.
“Urghhhhhhh!!” I struggled to breathe and move. "Urghhhh--mmhhnnnhhurghh!" I clenched a part of the bed sheet. Someone, please help me. I know anytime soon my whole system will collapse.
“Ivy! Ivy!” someone knocked the door and pulled me into reality. A tall man rushed inside my room. He got long arms and broad shoulders, undeniably strong athletic look. His brows are black and thick and his complexion is sun-kissed. Perfect for his serious face and aura. And what really mesmerize me every time I stare at him is his pale blue eyes. Stony but sympathetic.
“E-E-Earl” I gasped a relief. “Thank God I’m alive!” then my eyes explore going to the window. "Glad...the sun is up" I calmed.
The daylight is beaming outside. I can clearly say that because of the natural property of the translucent silk curtain.
“Silly! Of course, you are. When did you die? Where’s that coming from?” he chuckled and cut himself. He scrutinizes my pajamas and shirt full of mud. “You went out last night? With?” he prolonged his sentence like a teacher asking his student to fill in the blanks.
I remained silent.
I know what he's thinking. I went out in the forest and had a party with Charl Ington. My best friend slash troublemaker friend. But, gosh! Seriously?! I have mud all over my body and he’s judging me very quick.
I look at him sharply and he replied with an emotionless face.
Gosh! He knows me, hmm yeah. He knows me! Sometimes...okay...wait, I'm doubting myself now.
I love going to parties most of the time but I swear, I din't had a fun rock and roll night.
I don't have any knowledge where I get this filthy sh*t mud. Urgh! I don’t want to have an argument right now. I don’t have energy left. I feel so drained.
I gazed at my fingers gliding at the sheet and exhaled softly “I had a nightmare…”
“I told you not to watch horror movies”
“I didn’t!” my tone rise. I hate that brother speech of him. I suddenly remember the last time he speaks so brotherly to me. That was when his Mom and Dad died in a car accident four years ago. He never shed a tear at the funeral but you know deep within, he is mourning. He is still in it and he just hates to admit. He denied every sorrow of him. Maybe to appear tough, like a steel...cold and strong. But when he gazed deeply, it is very visible in his dead blue eyes. On the lighter side, he chooses to go on his life and continue to breathe. We only got each back so he vowed to protect me. Like a family member worth to shelter.
I noticed that I paused too long so I replied immediately. “I didn’t” my voice ceased.
“I had a bad dream. For the seventh time.”
He put his thumb on his jaw. Absorbed in my words. “It’s been a week.” He turned back and walk going to the door. He is bothered and he can’t put the right words to spit.
Is he mad? For I’ve been complaining worse than any kind of kid over a bad dream? Will he call a psychiatrist? Call me crazy? Or let me weak in this frustrating state. And just say it’s just pure imaginations and stress.
He’s sinking further into his thoughts. He knows he is. “I’m going to camp here tonight”
“Camp?”
“Slumber party? For girls’ vocabulary?” He answered my skeptic reply. “Nah. I’m going to sleep here. I’ll be watching you.”
"You are living next to my room! Isn't enough?" I'm so pissed. He's not my guardian to do everything he wants. Can't I enjoy my own privacy? and life? For the past years he is always there. He should be tired of babysitting me! But, I don't see any tiredness or regrets on his actions.
I feel sore with this kind behavior of him but at the same time, I'm liking it. I feel safe when he's around, close to being invulnerable--Impossible to harm and damage.
Now he puts conviction into his plan. He is going to look at me when the night falls later. It's irrevocable. It's final.
Before I complained he seconded “Get your bag. I don’t want to waste my energy to carry a filthy bag”
I wrinkled my forehead. And he pointed at the calendar using his eyes. March 27, Monday. The last day of classes.
I lost track in days.
This chapter was written well, however I'm finding myself a little confused in regards to setting the scene and the atmosphere. Hopefully it becomes clearer as I read on.
In the blurb, "...if I killed someone of killing someone." Doesn't make sense. It probably should be "...I don't know if I killed someone or something. " It can also be, "..I don't know if I killed someone or was planning to kill someone." "Please stop me if you needed..." if you needed what/ Might I suggest that should be, "Please stop me if you needed to." You have two chapter 1's. So where does chapter 1 really start. Is it with the part labeled Chapter 1, or is it with the part labeled Chapter One? You have to make up your mind on that one. If it is the one labeled Chapter 1, might I suggest that you work the other chapter one into the paragraph. The Watcher sound like they're spirit guides. Have you considered that the Watchers might be or have been related to the person they are watching. This brings up the possibility that the Watcher of your main character might have at one time been his/her grandmother/grandfather. I have had experiences like that, but never that frightening. I think it's because my spirit guides were more gentle and protective. Is your main character a male or a female. It would be nice to know early in the first chapter. In fact, you might want to put it in the blurb. How old is your main character, and what is the character's name? "I mum with a cry." doesn't make a lot of sense unless you mean "I pantomime a cry." It sounds a little like what you were talking about was what a group called "Mummenchance," did. They were pantomime artists who used masks with clay on them to show emotion. Mummenchance was their name and I believe it was trade marked. By the way it should be given a French pronunciation. I assume that your main character's name is Ivy. But I really don't like assuming, I'd rather be told. It would also be nice to know what Ivy looks like. How old is she? Is she tall, short, fat, thin, what? Stony eyes have an extremely difficult time being sympathetic. Eyes are usually described as stony if they show no emotion at all. You might consider saying, "They were the color of stone, but full of sympathy." I calmed. I calmed what. Calmed used like that is usually something you do to someone or something else, like :I calmed him down." How about, "I calmed down." It sounds like Earl is a teacher, so my guess is Ivy is a child. I know I'm guessing, but you are really not giving that much information about the character. "...din't had"" should be "...didn't have..." "...where I get..." should be "...where I got..." I've got the feeling that you do have a spell checker and a grammar checker on your computer. You do seem to use it, but you are in too much of a hurry and miss things. You might want to slow down a little. You might be surprised what you discover. "Brother speech..." should be "...brotherly speech..." ",,,the last time he speaks..." should be "...the last time he spoke..." The last time is past tense. He spoke agrees with that, as it should. Having a bad dream is not necessarily a sign of something sinister about to happen, not even having7 of them, unless you had them night after night. It is particularly bad if you had the same one 7 nights running. "...he just hates to admit..." He just hates to admit what? I suggest it should be, "...he hates to admit it..." "But when he gazed deeply..." when he gazed deeply at what. You've got him doing the looking here, but not what he is looking at. I think you mean to say, "When I gazed deeply into his eyes..." "It's been a week." it's been a week since what? I think that goes back to the dreams. You should say that you've been having those bad dreams for one week. And as I said, that is not at sinister as if it had been the same dream for a week. It seems to my that what Earl really can't do is put the right things into words. You say here that Ivy was complaining. Frankly I've yet to see a single complaint. Ivy was talking about having a bad dream, but that wasn't a complaint. That was just a statement of facts. When he says, "I'm going to camp here tonight." does he mean he is going to sleep in her room? If he does and if there are any parents involved, they should be having a cow. If you are a parent, you don't allow a grown man sleep in the room with a girl. There is too much temptation there for sexual abuse. He may not mean to do it, but what if he weakens. Men are particularly noted for that. "Isn't enough." should be "Isn't that enough." "...to do everything he..." should be "...to do anything he..." "...enjoy my own privacy? and life?" the first ? should be a comma. "For the past years..." for the past what years. Tell us how many. "I feel sore with..." doesn't make any sense. "I feel sore at..." would mean she is angry. How about just saying, "I don't like..." "...behavior of him..." should be "...behavior from him..." There should be a period after him. Otherwise your sentence is becoming a run on sentence. Those should be avoided whenever possible. "He is going to look at me..." should be "He's going to watch me..." You said earl seconded. But it seems to me that you did not move, so how could he second? How about if he just says something. Again you said, "Before I complained." But. as I said before, Ivy never complained. Next, how about if Earl just says, "Get your bag." He doesn't have to explain anything about not wanting to use his energy. So why don't you just take that part out. It isn't necessary. I don't get the significance of him pointing to the calendar right then. What does it mean then. In fact I really don't get the significance of him asking her to get her bag now. If it's a school bad, you need to say so. And why didn't he tell her to get ready for school first. That would be more significant at this time, especially if she is a school girl. "I lost track in days." should be "I lost track of the days." I think this story has a lot of promise as a horror story, which is what I think it is. But it is going to need some rewriting. There are a lot of things that you assume, that you need to say.
@Sarge before you start whining about how Ivy looks, age and whatsoever or my characters looks please READ MORE. it is in the chapter two. what a silly review. a review requires all chapter. how can you review if you haven't read the whole story. This is a comment section not a review section. comment sections are thoughts. Small thoughts.
AND HOW INSANE! gosh! FOR YOU TO THINK THAT WATCHERS ARE SPIRIT GUIDES?!. GOSH! SERIOUSLY?! MY STORY IS FAR GREATER THAN THAT CHEAP IDEA.
"MUM"
okay before you bring the meaning have you tried doing a research? it seems you just base the word from your own vocabulary. search it on Google. "MUM" 1.means to say nothing about a subject 2. imitative of a sound made with closed lips.
DON'T GET AHEAD OF MY STORY. AND OF COURSE...I WON'T EXPLAIN ALL IN ONE CHAPTER. WHAT KIND OF WATCHERS THEY REALLY ARE.
IM GIVING AND LETTING BLANKS FOR THE READER'S MIND. ALSO, THOUGHTS TO PONDER. CLIFF HANGERS FOR THEM TO BITE.
:)