Why You Left

You arrive at the place. The flashes coming from the paparazzi and those from the fansites still incites a slight panic in you. Time may have passed, but you realised how much it still affects you. Sitting in the car, you tell the driver to await instructions you’re about to get over the phone.

“Kyung Hoon? Is there another way in to the reception without getting splashed all over the internet?”

“Why? Did you decide to come here after all?”

“I’m helping a friend ask. You know I’d avoid it at all costs for reasons that is not about Kyung Hwa.”

“Alright, just tell them to keep driving past the main walkway. After the 2nd lane, turn into the 3rd lane, and keep driving straight until you can’t anymore and take a left They will see the back entrance.”

The driver heeds the instructions and no wonder he didn’t say how the back entrance looked like. It had a grand stairwell that was also decorated with peach roses and ribbons. You walk up the stairs, careful not to trip over the long hem of your dress. As you reach the top of the stairs and enter, you see Kyung Hoon striding towards a door. Quickening your pace so that you end up right behind him just before he opens the door, you let out a very soft “Boo.” right by his ear.

His reaction is priceless, and since you’ve already anticipated it, you had your camera ready as you dodged his swing.

“Seems like someone still can’t get over jumpscares.”

The both of you stand there for a long time, his eyes wide and incredulous.

“Are you okay? Did the cat get your tongue or something?”

“I can’t believe this, you’re really here. I should have known from your phone call. Kyung Hwa’s going to be so excited. She misses you so much.”

“I had internal battle for a long time whether to come or not. And honestly, if my flight hadn’t been delayed, I wouldn’t be here. I booked my flight months ago.”

“Well, thank God for that then. Shall we go surprise the bride then?”

Opening up the doors, there’s a small entourage around Kyung Hwa as she is getting the final touches to her hair and make up. You hide behind Kyung Hoon, his tall frame concealing you, as the both of you walk up to her. We reach her just as her veil gets pinned in.

“Guess who’s here, Kyung Hwa?”

“Who? And it’d be better not be a prank. Not on my wedding day.”

Kyung Hoon steps aside to reveal you standing there.

“Do I look like a prank?”

“UNNIE!!!”

“Hello Kyung Hwa ^_^”

She jumps up and gives you a hug so tight the both of you can barely breathe.

“I’m not dreaming right? You’re really here!”

“I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.”

“Kyung Hwa, before you start to catch up with Y/N, mom and dad wanted to give you these in person if they had the chance. They made them specially for you. The girls have their own set to be given to them on their own wedding day too.”

He holds up a set of butterfly hairpins that were set in sapphires. The tears immediately springs into her eyes as she gasps at how beautiful they are. Her hair was done up in a half do with flowers entwining around the braids.

“Kyung Hoon, do you mind if I… if I may have the honour?”

“Of course, you’re family. I didn’t let the girls in yet because, these? There were meant to be their surprise on their own wedding day.”

You and Kyung Hwa try to hold back tears as you put the pins into her hair for her. She stands up and gives you another long hug, the kind you knew she was just holding on to, for fear of you disappearing if she let you go. She finally does and she side glances her brother.

“I know, that’s my cue to go. I’ll go check out the situation outside.”

“Thank you Kyung Hoon.”

“I think the boys are not due until after the ceremony, but I guess you already knew that, that’s why you’re here now right?”

“It’s why I have you as a best friend.”

“I’ll let you know if that changes.”

As he takes his leave, you and Kyung Hwa settle on the bed talking. You try to catch up what has happened in the years that you have not seen each other, squeezing everything in the precious minutes you have before Kyung Hwa get swept up with the wedding.

“Before I forget Kyung Hwa, I actually just came to pass you things. I can’t stay long.”

“You’re not staying until the ceremony at least?”

“I’m so sorry Kyung Hwa, I have a flight to catch.”

“Will you come back?”

You look away from her, a sad smile on your face.

“I might not…. Will you visit us instead?”

“I will, eventually I will.”

You hand her two boxes

“This is from me and this… is from Hana. There are also letters written in there.Our blessings and our advice however meager they are.”

“Kyung Hwa, it’s almost time.” Kyung Hoon comes back in, letting her know that it’s time to go get ready for the ceremony.

“Unnie, please stay, at least for the ceremony. I will have some time after that, please?”

“That’s not fair Kyung Hwa, you and your puppy eyes.”

Kyung Hoon intercepts, trying to plead on Kyung Hwa’s behalf, “Kyung Hwa, you go on ahead, I will convince her.”

As she leaves the room, he turns to you, “Come on, the ceremony won’t be long, and it’s for a very small and private group of friends and family. Don’t make me disappoint my sister. Plus you’ll get to see a very handsome and dashing me walking the most beautiful girl in the world down the aisle.”

“Alright, for the most beautiful girl in the world.”, you smirk.

Kyung Hoon lightly grumbles under his breath, “What am I invisible?”

You raise your hand to lightly pat Kyung Hoon on the cheek.

“You’re not tempting enough, not for me.”

“Aw, you’re breaking my heart.”

“Get on with it, go marry off your sister.”

You and Kyung Hoon walk ahead for you to find a place in the seats.

“You know, there’s a beautiful garden you can take a walk in. It’s very up your alley. We decorated it for guests in the afternoon but the night view is even more spectacular. You meant to leave before dinner didn’t you? Not before the ceremony? I know you, you would have used your old contacts to find out their schedules right down to the minute. You know they’ll never make it before dinner.”

“Yet another reason why you’re my best friend.”

“Don’t disappear on me again best friend.”

“I won’t, if you can keep my secret.”

“Deal.”

“Go on, I’ll go find a seat.”

The soft wedding fanfare starts and you wonder where the justice of the peace will actually preside the ceremony seeing that there is no place to actually do that. Kyung Hwa glides down the aisle in a beautiful powder blue wedding dress. The sweetheart neckline bodice encrusted in Swarovski that seem to drip down to the skirt that was made of layers and layers of soft and sheer chiffon in varying shades of blue. It makes the dress look like it is a shimmery water surface as Kyung Hwa moves. The outermost layers of the chiffon extends out to form a long train behind her.

You look at her, and a swell of pride rises in you. Years ago, when you first met her, she had been so young and innocent. Looking at her now, she has grown up so much, blossoming into the woman she is today, beautiful both inside and out. Gentle but strong-willed, kind and firm, motivated and driven. These were the qualities you saw in her years ago, and you knew it was what has allowed her to come so far and be so respected by many.

Kyung Hwa reaches the end of the aisle where her husband is waiting for her. After Kyung Hoon passes her hand over to him, they walk up to a set of doors and it opens out. It was breathtaking, something only Kyung Hwa would actually think of. The doors opened out to a balcony which overlooks the garden, making it a beautiful backdrop in the dusky twilight. Kyung Hoon was right, the way the gardens were decorated was really just the way I would have. An assortment of flowers bloomed about the garden, all of them in shades of peach. The fragrance of the blooms filled the room, in a soft dreamy way, exactly how she would have wanted it. You can’t help but take a picture, knowing that the quality of your phone camera wouldn’t allow anyone to figure out who the silhouettes were in the picture even if you posted on social media right now. At least not until you were long gone.

“I vow to honour and respect you as my equal, as my person in this world. You, who stand beside me, as my partner in crime, let loose on the world…”

The crowd laughs at her words. It was so typical of her. You knew that she is still very much… her. She hasn’t lost her essence. She hasn’t lost a core part of her. Before you realised, the ceremony was over, the tears brimmed over your eyes, down your cheeks. You sit there for a while longer, as the rest of them file out. A hand rests on your shoulders and you startle.

“Relax, it’s me.”

You turn to see that it’s only Kyung Hoon, and you let loose the breath that you had been holding in. He hands you a tissue.

“Seems like you need this. Come on, she’s waiting for you, she doesn’t have much time before she has to start talking to other people.”

You walk out and Kyung Hwa immediately pounces on you.

“Unnie! I want you to meet my husband.”

“It is very nice to meet you, I have heard a lot about you and I promise that I will bring Kyung Hwa to visit you wherever you are soon.” he immediately rattles off a prepared line.

“You don’t have to be so nervous around me. If you care so much about my opinion, I trust it’s because you want me to like and approve of you. And that will be because you understand how much I matter to her.”

He heaves a sigh of relief, “That’s the other thing she has warned me about, you are very perceptive.”

I smile fondly at him.

“I will approve. For now, until proven otherwise.”

“I’m sorry, some other guests needs my attention.I should go entertain before they come and hound you and Kyung Hwa.”

The two of you talk a little more before she gets ensconced away by obligations. You try to blend into the background, standing close to the walls, realising that people are starting to recognise you. As you hear the whispers, you can’t help but start to shrink away and find refuge, so grabbing a snack bowl and a glass of wine, you head out to the terrace where the ceremony was held to clear your head. As you step out, you allow yourself several moments to admire the beauty of the garden and the quiet of it and the peace that it brought you. You realise that there are other terraces that lead out to the garden and out of the corner of your eye, you spot an all too familiar figure. Instinct drives you to brisk walk into the room before he can see you. You risk peeking out to the small reception and wave a waiter hurriedly over.

“Thank you.”

You place the snack bowl on his tray and exchange your empty wineglass for another. It was just in time, you caught sight of him walking back into the room. You quickly slide back into the room, your steps from soft shuffling to brisk purposeful strides. You’re trapped until the dinner starts. You send a text to Kyung Hoon

=Hey, I think I’m trapped until the dinner starts. He came early, didn’t he? I’ll be in the garden that you so highly recommended.=

The peace and quiet calms you down, in addition to the knowledge that you’re quite safe from anyone coming to garden who might recognise you. The sun is on its last moments of setting and you take another picture. You post the picturesque scene in front you and suddenly the fairy lights switch on. Wow~ it just takes your breath away. You walk down the stairs to the garden just breathing and enjoying the moment.

In this moment, he thought to himself, if he had a choice, he would have not come to this wedding. But Kyung Hwa is his junior, someone he groomed and watched her grow into the woman she is now. He came not out of work and networking obligations. He came because he is as much a brother to her as Kyung Hoon is. As the rest of the members are.

But Namjoon grew tired of the fake smiles and small talk. For now, since the rest of them are held back by their schedules, he had no one to hide behind for a while, even if it’s just for a breather.

Eventually he spots an opportunity, taking a glass of wine, he walks out to the terrace. He admires the beauty of garden but it brings him no true joy. Still, it is peaceful and quiet and he does not have put on a mask. As he takes in the garden, he spots a lonely figure walking about in the garden, who guiltily plucks a rose simply unable to withstand holding the beauty in her hands. He stands there shocked, for a moment thinking that it was you. But his rationale told him otherwise. It couldn’t be. A hand suddenly claps his shoulder

“What are you staring at?” Kyung Hoon’s voice boomed out to the garden and you turn back.

You hear Kyung Hoon and as you turn to face the voice, you spot him and another person, but you are too far to tell who it is. Just to be safe, you continue on deeper into the garden, walking through the waist high maze of peach roses that leads to the centre, settling in at the pavilion. Even the pavilion itself was beautifully decorated. There are ribbons entwined with flowers dangling down from the roof, wrapped around the pillars, some of the ribbons that dangled had some heavy crystal hanging from it to act as a weight. The fairy lights twinkled and reflected off the crystals, making occasion rainbows. You kick off your shoes and start walking around the benches admiring the various way each ribbon was twisted and pulled and entwined. You got tired, or maybe it was the wine, you sit down and lay your head against the pillar and fall asleep.

Kyung Hoon had seen him walk to the terrace, knowing that he might be able to recognise you and guided him back.

“Kyung Hwa in the bridal suite, I know you want to talk to her. She’s waiting for you.”

The two men stride over to the room, and he spots that Kyung Hwa is reading a letter. He spots the letter and immediately recognises the handwriting.

“That’s her handwriting. She sent this?”

“She did. I miss her so much. No wait, how have you been, oppa? I know you have been busy and we haven’t had the time to properly catch up too.”

With that Kyung Hwa skillfully dodges the impending question she knew he would invariably ask. She had the luxury of being the bride and her attention constantly needed elsewhere soon enough.

Sure enough, her attention was required elsewhere informed so by her brother.

“Kyung Hwa, you’re needed out on the floor. It’s time. By the way, it’s raining. And I have a friend who’s stuck in the garden. I can’t find anyone who’s free to pick her up. Namjoon, can you help?”

“Sure, that’d be no problem.”

“Here, take the umbrella and this, I suspect she will be cold.”

Namjoon taks the umbrella and wrap, and makes his way down to the garden as Kyung Hoon picks up his phone to call you.

Your phone buzzes in your hand, waking you up from your doze. You see Kyung Hoon’s name flashing and you pick it up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, you’re still out in the garden aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I’m at the pavilion, it’s so beautiful and peaceful out here that I fell asleep.”

“Only you can do that. Fall asleep anywhere.”

“I’m tired enough. Has dinner started? Is it safe to head back yet?”

“Have you seen the outside of the pavilion?”

That was when the smell and sound of rain hit you.

“Oh no…” Just then, the wind blew across your skin, and you shiver.

He reaches the pavilion, just in time to see you shiver. He stops when you start talking, realising that it was really you. You are there, before his eyes. You hop up on the bench again, walking back and forth, beautiful in your sapphire dress, as your skirt billows around your ankles, toying with the slight slit the skirt. You always knew how to play up your best strengths in your subtle way. The halter neckline made your shoulders straighter, the lace bodice hugs your curves, tapering down to your waist before the sheer chiffon flares out to an A-Line skirt with a slit, a peek to your long legs.

He can hear the entire conversation as you put him on speaker

“So what time’s your flight?”

“You know what, I’m going to risk it and run back in the rain.”

“And ruin your makeup and risk getting a cold?”

“It doesn’t matter, no one’s going to see me. And what cold? I have a strong constitution.”

“You already said that you’re exhausted, think you really can stand against that?”

You hop down from the bench and the breeze blows by, your skirt billows out to lay out on the bench. It was picture perfect and he takes out his phone to capture that.

“Well it’s not an option to freeze to death here too.”

“I actually sent someone over to pick you up since you’re rushing for your flight. Brought a wrap along too. So? What time’s your flight exactly?”

A long silence ensues.

“Your flight is not tonight is it?”

“Well, you are my best guy friend for a reason.”

Another long silence draws out between you and Kyung Hoon as you concentrate on putting your shoes.

“Well… I don’t know how to tell you this, but someone is already on his way or may have already reached where you unless he got lost. So that you can rush for your flight. That is apparently not happening.”

“Well I can just go back to the hotel, take my own sweet time packing, after replying some emails, get some much needed sleep tonight. Why do you sound so guilty? Who did you ask to come get me?”

You don’t realise how long the silence draws out for until you you put on both your shoes. The lengthy silence was enough for you to understand.

“Kyung Hoon!”

“He came earlier than expected, and I honestly couldn’t find anyone else that I could trouble without feeling guilty. Besides, he saw you in the garden and he saw your letter to Kyung Hwa. He might have already guessed that it was you I was sending him after.”

“Kyung Hoon, I swear to God, if it’s really “him” that I’m thinking about, you’re going to…”

He cuts you off from his hidden spot.

“Is it so bad that it really is me coming to pick you up?”

You screamed and nearly dropped your phone. He had wanted to walk away, but he saw you shivering and he used that as an excuse that he just had to come up to you. You breathe hard, trying to calm yourself and your fast beating heart.

“Y/N? Y/N, are you there? HELLO?! Are you okay?? Answer me damn it.”

You turn off the speaker and the phone to your ear, whispering to him

“I swear to God, I will get you back for this. You are driving me to the airport tomorrow at an ungodly hour.”

You promptly hang up on him, shutting off any protest that he had. You stay still as he crosses the empty space between you and your heart skips a beat. He is still handsome as ever, in his simple black suit and, coincidentally, a sapphire blue shirt. His hair is swept back, and he chose to wear glasses today, giving him a smart, sharp look. A look that is soften by the slight smile and the dimple that pops out every time he does that. He settles in sitting close to you. Too close to you.

“Hi.”

“Hi,”you reply back with risking looking him in the eye. But you can’t do it for you.

The closeness between you two is too close, that it made you uncomfortable. But you didn’t want to show that he still affected you. The silence stretches between the both of you, both of you knowing the real reason why. There is simply too much to say in the short amount of time you have, and there is no way that it will end well. Everything that had been left unsaid the last time you left will invariably hurt the both you all over again.

“I think we should head back now. I still need to pack for my flight and you really need to find the rest of them. Don’t waste the opportunity of publicity.”

You start to stand only to be held back by him.

“You can stay here for a while longer, I know how much you love nature and the garden is beautiful. I’ll leave the umbrella here for you.”

“The beauty of the garden can’t beat your beauty. Is it really that much of a hardship for us to talk? Even if it’s just a while? You are more willing to go out there and risk catching a cold than stay here.”

“Well that hasn’t changed, you and your glib tongue. -a long pause- I don’t understand, what else is there to talk about?”

“For starters, how have you been?”

This is actually a loaded question. He knew exactly how to get a conversation flowing from you just by starting the conversation like that. A kind question asked and left unanswered was considered rude, that was the way you were raised. You bite your lip, trying to resist that part of that is so deeply ingrained in you.

“I guess I let you know me too well. I feel like you’re using it against me.”

His eyes turn wide and round, trying to look innocent. But you know him just as well too, he was overdoing it.

“What? I’m not doing anything.”

Your lips lift in a smile, as you let out an exasperated sigh, “Don’t try to deny it, I know you just as well Joonie.”

He raises his hands in acquiescence, “But I really mean it, how are you?”

“I’m doing okay. I went back home, dealt with paperwork that was necessary, tried to find my footing and well, things… things are taking off for me.”

“No boyfriend…?”

“That’s… really none of your business.”

“So there is somebody?”

You look him in the eye and try to lie, “Yes, there is.”

“You really suck at lying.” he chuckles at you

You let out a small laughter, “I’ve been busy with building my business, where do I have time to date? You on the other hand, I can’t understand how you can find the time date all those beautiful celebs.”

“You know it’s all not true.”

“I know. You sound tired. How have you been?”

“I am tired. The media circus, the critics, the attention to everything I do, the lies.”

He leans forward and buries his face in one of his hands. You know how much of a constant struggle this is for him. He loved the work, the messages he wants to spread, the recognition for all of that. But for that, to spread and let as many people feel his sincerity, the sacrifice is his life. The collateral damage of his life, spreads out to the other people in his life. You sit down next to him, understanding what he was going through. In an attempt to comfort him, you place your hand over his. He looks up in shock at you, that you would still offer him comfort after the harsh words that you had exchanged the last time you were together. You could feel your heart skip a beat, he still incites a reaction in you. You almost retract your hand instinctively, but at this moment, it isn’t about you. It is about him.

“What’s been going on? Talk to me.”

“I just feel...lost. Like everything is so meaningless. My love for the work, the music, that passion, it is still there. But that fire, it’s just… burning out. I’m so tired that all of the attention is about what I do wrong, who I’m dating, or when it’s about the music, it’s about saying the wrong things, when I don’t even mean what they say. And worse that spotlight, it shines not only on me, but on the people around me too. I’ve lost friends. My old are afraid of me, jealous of me, they feel like they can’t understand me anymore, so they don’t even try. I’m afraid to be with my family because I don’t want their privacy invaded like mine is. I’ve lost… I’ve lost someone I love because of what I do. And all of this, just makes me feel like I’m not on solid ground anymore, that I’m just swept along the tides of time. I’ve lost more than I’ve gained. I don’t feel connected anymore.”

“Look at me. Do you know how much your music has changed me? Do you know how much of an effect it has on the people who truly appreciate your music? I read the things people post on Twitter, on the FanCafe, and yes, there’s hate there, but there is twice as much love. People try to be kind every moment in their lives. When others are tired, they give a kind word, when they feel down, others try to give comfort. They spread love, and kindness, compassion and empathy everywhere I look. That, is the power of your music that you guys make. Never forget, that that is what you wanted. It was how you started change the world. You know the influence you have, and you use it, not to propel yourselves. You use it to spread even more love and compassion and most of all, the most important thing. Hope. You guys, spread hope. Hope that has inspired people to be more than what they initially thought they can be. Hope that helped them break free of themselves whether it was depression or pressure or chains that they had put on themselves. You haven’t lost anything. You still have your friends, so long as you reach out to them. I know your family, they are strong and that was how they raised you to be strong too. They stand by you, always. Remember that. That love, that passion, it’s in you. Stoke the fire.”

“That guy you remember, he’s gone. He lost someone who mattered too much to him and it was too late when he realised just how much. It killed him.”

You look him dead in the eyes, knowing exactly what he is talking about. He’s looking right into your soul. You turn away and stand, trying to put some distance between the both of you.

“Others will come to matter just as much, if not more.”

You put your back to him, facing the garden. The breeze blows your hair across your face, and you raise your hand to brush it away. Only you were a step too late. His hand sweeps it away, his fingertips lightly brushing against your cheek. You turn away from his touch.

“You used to slap my hand away because you were uncomfortable with that. You’ve changed.”

“So have you. Everyone changes… a lot of things has changed.”

“Y/N…”

“Please don’t… don’t do this here and now.” you whisper in pleading. You try to put more distance between the both of you again, walking to another pillar.

“Please, just tell me… What went wrong? I can’t…”

You turn to face him, willing your tears to not fall over. As you look at him, you answer it in the simplest way you can.

“Strange how the words of inconsequential people can have such dire consequences, isn’t it?”

“Was that all?” Disbelief laces in every word he speaks.

You give him a long meaningful look.

“I was happy with you. I really was. But you of all people, should know how fleeting happiness can be. I tried. I tried so hard to not let what people say get to me. But I was so scared. You were always so busy, your work, meaningful, purposeful, while I was nothing. My own life, didn’t feel like it mattered. I felt like you were drifting away from me. Like I was just something you needed to check off your endless to do list. Towards the end, I barely saw you anymore and that fear, that insecurity, it just ate away at me. I was a burden, I was trouble, I made people turn away from you and it affected all of you. You saw how it started to eat at me and you tried to ease my worries, saying that you’d do anything for me, even leaving all of this behind.

That didn’t reassure me. It only frightened me more. I know you, you might have said it in passing in an attempt to comfort me. But once that idea is planted in your head, and you see how bad it affects me, it feeds the idea. It would have grown and grown, and you would have done it. You would have really done it.

How can I let that happen? -long pause- I may not have known you for the longest time, but I have seen, how much music means to you. I have seen why you do this and how it brings so much joy to you. This? This whole thing? The good and the bad? -sigh- It is such an integral part of you. How can you say that you have not gained more than you have lost? It has given you a dream and hope as it has for others. It is part of your soul. And it feeds your life force. You said you lost love. Are you willing to lose your music? Are you willing to do that trade off? To rip your soul into pieces? No… you’re not. And even if you were willing to do this uneven trade off, I would never allow you to kill yourself.”

“So, you think that allows you to rip another part of my soul out of me? You think walking away was saving me? You are my soul. You are my calm. My groundedness, my hope, my future. You are my love. You are as integral a part of my soul as my music is. How can I… How can I rip one part out of me in exchange to keep another? Why can’t I have both? I need you too.”

You look at him shocked. Shocked to hear that he thinks of you as someone who needs to be there for him to be whole. That you are as vital to him as music is. It doesn’t bring you comfort. The weight in your heart just gets heavier and your chest tightens until it’s hard to breathe. You need to get away from him. Right now, right this moment. You know you’re not strong to withstand against your feelings for him. Yes, you still love him. With everything, with all that you have. But these feelings, and the repercussions of you giving into it, it can mean the end of things. You know you will hurt him. You are not strong enough to stand by him. He may actually decide to leave everything behind and you will be the cause of it, and you will not be strong enough to carry that crushing guilt. And you will leave him and he will be left with nothing.

No. It doesn’t have to be like that, if you walk away now. The both of you have healed enough to be able to function without each other anymore. You have healed enough to keep walking, to find new ways to survive, to get through each day. In time, new purpose and motivations will come. Why let history repeat itself and cause more damage? Why peel away the scab that had formed over the wounds you inflicted causing more damage? He had disappeared for a few months when you left him that’s true. You had asked after him and gotten to know how devastated he was by your leaving, why do that to him again when you did it in the first place for his sake? It was for his best. And you would do it all over again. And you would cut this off again before you hurt him again.

You let your voice turn cold, wiping all expression off your face as you turn to him.

“You have survived so far without me, you can do it. I have to go, I can’t stay here anymore. Take the umbrella.”

Before you can even take a step, two strong arms encircle you around your waist, his rests his head on your shoulder as if you were the safe harbour in his world, holding you so tightly against him. The tears that had threatened to fall, no longer listened to your will and stream down your face.

“Don’t leave me again, please.”

You thought about breaking away, you fought an internal battle for strength to do so.

You didn’t break away from his embrace.