Loser Anthem

“Smile Jenna!”

A rather unattractive and beatific smile spread across my face. After three years of blood, sweat and tears - quite literally - I’d made it to graduation. And with a classy 2.1 in Fine Art, no less.

“Mum, you can stop with the photos now-” My mum had travelled all the way here to my university for the occasion.

“No! My baby girl has just graduated! We need to document this! Your grandfather needs the pictures of his favourite granddaughter!”

“I’m his only granddaughter.” I rolled my eyes and glanced at my boyfriend David gave him the what can you do? shrug, and continued posing. I’d met David in my first year, in fresher’s week. I was three vodka-cokes deep and he was wearing a cheesy Hawaiian shirt. He bought me my fourth vodka-coke and we ended up spending the night together . . . and then every night after. I found out the night after we met that he was a biology student to which I did make an offhanded comment about him really knowing the female anatomy (He practically set up the opportunity, I couldn’t not take it!) and he laughed and we’d been inseparable since.

He was perfect.

My mother loved him, my roommate Suki thought he was cool and he was smart, funny, attractive and really good in bed. What was not to like?! It was kind of unavoidable that within four months of dating I told him I loved him.

“Now one of you two together!” Mum exclaimed, pushing David towards me.

“Mrs E-” He began, but was abruptly cut off by mum.

“Hush Mr. My daughter looks beautiful and I want pictures!” She said, still pushing him towards me. I mouthed the word sorry to him, with a sheepish grin on my face. There was no arguing with her when she was a stubborn as a mule. David rolled his eyes and offered me a smile, wrapping his arm around me for the picture.

“Say cheese!”

“Excuse me!” A prim voice rang out from my section of the restaurant. It was a Saturday evening and Eatie Some Ziti was packed. I was trying to placate a five year old who’d just dumped his chocolate cake all over the floor and himself. Trust me kid, I wanna cry too.

The boy’s mum was apologetic enough, after I’d offered to get the little boy a new chocolate cake, which will probably end up in the same place the last one did. “Shh Johnny, the nice lady is going to get you another one, okay baby?”

The kid kept wailing.

“Excuse me!” That prim voice rang out again. I shot the mum an apologetic look and turned to the person calling for my attention. It was a middle-aged lady in a posh suit, sitting by the window.

“Jenna!” The devils voice called from the other end of the restaurant. Fuck, I thought, the anger began to bubble deep in my stomach. Maybe if I ignore it, it’ll go away?

“Hi madam, what can I do to help you today?” I said, trying to conceal the murderous feeling that had just overcome me. He was striding through the restaurant, undoubtedly gathering the attention of every customer.

“Jenna,” He said again. I took a deep breath, intent on ignoring him.

“My soup! It’s cold!” Spat the posh lady, eyeing the figure behind me with curiosity.

“I’m so sorry about that,” I said with false concern. “I’ll get the kitchen to make a new one for you.”

I bent to grab the bowl as she muttered a “Make sure you do.” Rude. I turned and faced none of the than the devil incarnate.

“Excuse me.” I hissed at him, trying to manoeuvre around him. He was blocking my way now and I could feel every eye on in the restaurant trained on us. Even the wailing kid had shut up.

“No Jenna, not until you speak to me!” I looked in his eye and my resolve faltered a little bit and he smiled slightly.

I tried, I really did, I promise, but that smile, that fucking smug smile on his face threw me into an eye-twitching rage.

“Talk about what David?!” I said coldly, and a rather lot louder than intended. I saw that smirk drop from his face as he lost his confidence. “Talk about how you betrayed my trust and went behind my back?!”

“Jen-”

“DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE DAVID! You. Cheated. On. Me. With my fucking roommate!” The mum gasped and put her hands over the kids ears. I’s definitely attracted the attention of my boss now.

“It’s been a week -” I heard the posh lady suck in a sharp breath and it kinda felt like I had an ally, not going to lie. Girl Power, at least I don’t look like the arsehole here.

“Because that fucking makes it okay?!” I shouted, angrier than ever. I could actually feel tears starting to prickle at my eyes. “Oh it’s been a week since putting my dick where it doesn’t belong and Jenna’s a fucking mug so she should be over it by now?!”

What I did next, I’m not proud of, but damn, it felt so good.

I lifted the bowl of soup that I was holding and tipped it over his head, then shoved it into his chest as I spat, “Get the fuck away from me. And stay the fuck away.” He stood there in a stunned, soup-covered silence.

In fact, the entire restaurant was silent. Well, until the previously wailing little boy turned to his mother and asked “Mumma, what’s fucking?”

That was when my boss, Shaun, decided to step in. He emerged from behind the ex-boyfriend from hell with a furious expression. “Jenna,” he hissed. “You’re fired.”

“Yeah, I thought that would happen.” I said, calmer now. Pouring soup over that arsehole had been incredibly cathartic. I untied my apron and handed it to my now ex-boss. “I’ll get my things.” I stormed past both men towards the entrance to the staff room, but not before hearing Shaun turn his wrath on David.

“You have precisely ten seconds to vacate my restaurant before I call the police.”

Once I’d grabbed my bag and my coat, I looked up the person I needed to speak to most at this time on my phone and pressed the call button.

“Hey Mum, it’s me. I need a favour.”