Chapter 1 : He Loves Me ?
Zoe P.O.V
I was hiding inside my comforter when it was the usual time my nanny entered my room to woke me up.
Nanny ? Are you kidding me ? Don’t you feel to old for this ?
No. My dad is a billionaire, working freak, and we have lots of maids and I only recognized some of them. I always tell him, not to blame me if our mansion gets robbed, that’s not my fault.
My mom, she is working on her foundation that specializes to help people. She was always here when I need her even though sometimes she hangouts with other rich mother and leaves me alone in home.
That wasn’t mean I’m alone in my home. My dad never allowed me to talk with the maids so, yeah, alone.
I do have two brothers.
Zayn, 22, He went to Loyola Marymount University and graduated Cum Laude. My dad was always hoping he could be someone like him, but god way was different. Instead of working on my dad’s company, he is working in entertainment, as actor, model and youtuber.
Zack, 23. Zack Miller Jr. He is named after my dad. He live in London and take care of my dad company there, he is really like my dad. Stern and very serious. He graduated from Cambridge University and my dad loves him so much. My dad bought everything he wants.
A thing I said to my mom, over and over again is. Sorry mom, I can’t be like my brother. I didn’t think i could be accepted in prestigious university like Ivy League university, Harvard, Columbia and many more. I meant like, I’m the worst from 3 of us.
My dad told me how to make money, how to spent it well, how to invest on something and all about business and politeness but never about, how to make friends, how to be popular in school or how to be a hot girl.
I was pretty tired of my own life, especially in school. I’ve been bullied since kindergarten and kept it secret wasn’t an easy thing.
The door cracked, I thought it was my nanny but the foot stomp didn’t sound like her. I stayed still in my place and closed my eyes.
Someone harshly tugged my comforter away.
“Wake up young lady, you’re late for school,” My dad said, i could imagine his stern face while he was standing beside my bed with tux on.
I moaned and stretched my body. I slowly opened my eyes and smiled at him. He was wearing a pajamas, not tuxedo like he always did. “Hi dad, you look great on your pajamas.”
My dad shook his head. “I don’t want to hear any words complimenting me from your mouth again. Go shower, you smell like shit.”
When my mom always bring positivity to my life, here was my dad who always bring me up from his mean words.
I went for shower and washed my hair. My nanny dried my hair and I started applying foundation to my face. This was what I learned from my summer breaks. Signed up for beauty class, learning how to walk like a model, how to wear contact lens and finally got rid of my braces.
Thin mascara and eye shadows cover my eyes perfectly. I chose white crop tee with long black pants and black jersey. I slung my backpack on my shoulders and sprinted for my breakfast.
“How many classes you take ?” My dad asks.
“AP calculus, AP economics, AP Spanish and AP computer science,” I replied and took a bite of my sandwich.
“That’s all ?” He asked. I nodded. “You must’ve just leave for college.”
“But you don’t-”
“You never discuss anything with me,” He yelled from his tension and shook his head.
“-I’m sorry dad,”
I didn’t want to lengthen this conversation. I knew how short-tempered my dad is. The first day of school, I made my dad mad. I stepped inside my newest Mercedes-Benz. My dad bought this as my birthday present.
I sighed as my car left the front gate of my house. Los Angeles was so calm. I went to private school, that could drain your parents money. I usually went by bus until my dad become so over-protective and forced me to go with driver.
~*~
My driver parked on the parking lot and stopped the engined. He opened the door for me, held my bag and walked behind me. He is totally handsome with blonde hair and sunglasses and tuxedo. He wasn’t a driver, he is chauffeur.
Other students were staring at us whilst i was looking for my best friends. I caught some boys ogling at me, smh, where have you been all this time boys ? The girls in the popular groups were talking about me, likely talking shit as usual.
I finally found my bestfriends. Urbi and Ava. Both of my hands clapped them shoulder. Both of them jumped and looked back.
“You’re gorgeous !” Ava complimented. I smiled at her priceless reactions.
“You’re gonna be the next Cara Moore !” Urbi says and rest her hand on my neck.
Cara Moore. The girls that everyone wanna be. Rich, popular, beautiful, has a blue eyes, surrounded by boys, being treated like a princess. Her dad is my dad best friends but we were never get on.
She has many friends but only Nine were really close to her. They were, Karlie Carl, Meredith Jones, Kelly Lee, Sofia Moretz, Betty Perez, Matt Torres, David Chung, Louis Johnson and Royce Rodriguez. Each of them were popular as hell. Some of them play in Football, basketball and Cheerleader.
It was and old rumor that Cara loved Matt but Matt loves another student. No one ever know who was that and he stayed single until now. Forget to mention I thought I gonna lost to Cara because she has everything but no one won now.
I have crush on Matt, I forgot since when but it was a long time ago until now. No girls could take her eyes off of his handsomeness. All girls love every inch of him, including me.
My driver handed me my backpack, I slung it on my shoulders and I waved at him. Either he was waiting there or he went home, it wasn’t important to me.
We entered the school building. Cara approached me, her eyes looked at me, up and down. I liked how she examined someone by her way. She dropper her mouth as she realized, it was me.
“Zoe, you changes much, i love your style now,” Cara complimented with enthusiasm. I knew, she wanted to be complimented to.
Therefore, students were surrounded us waiting for my replied due to her statement.
“Thanks,” I replied with smile on my face and walked to my class.
I could see her blood boiling on her head as i left. She used to be complimented by all student here. I knew, that was the first time humiliation hit her on the face. She went to her cliques, with red face, less to know, she almost cried.
Ava sat beside me on AP Calculus while Urbi went to AP Statistics. I didn’t know why Matt sat behind me, almost all the time, all classes we have. Here was Cara, Kelly, Betty and David too.
~*~
After two hours sitting on the same class, my mind has messed up from calculus. The bell finally rang, urging my energy back. The class dismissed and students bursted through the door.
“I think it’s a huge mistake to take spanish class,” I said and stretched my body.
“Why?” Matt asked. I jolted and look back. I thought no one was here except me and Ava. “Why beautiful?...”
“Nothing,” I replied. I grabbed Ava’s hand and sprinted to Spanish class.
“It’s a great opportunity,” Ava mumbled in the middle of busy hallway. Our Spanish class was one floor above.
“What kind of opportunity ?” I asked, and reunited my eyebrows.
“Tell him, you love him,” Ava chuckled.
“What if he doesn’t love me?” I mumbled and looked for the gap to slide in.
“We never know if you never try,” Ava said. She almost squeaked when i dragged her with some of my force so we could arrive at Spanish class on time.
My lovely Urbi has saved place for three of us. Usually it’s stranger who sits on the fourth table.
“Students are talking about you Zoe,” Urbi whispered to my ears which delivering goosebumps for my whole body. I sighed and nod. I have expected that. “About your appearance and they grade you on Cara levels.”
“I don’t care about the levels,” I said.
The class started, the teachers was counting the student. “One more students,” Mr. Rodriguez said and looked around the class.
Matt bursted in the classes, without sorry face or a word. He sat beside me, calmly with smirks on his face.
“Why are you late Mr. Torres,” Mr. Rodriguez. He scowled and crossed his hands.
“My favorite cat come and meet me, i can’t help but feed it,” He said, greeted by laugh on the entire class.
“You don’t have cat Matt,” Kelly chuckled. Mr. Rodriguez become angrier.
“I do, in my imagination,” Matt replied.
Mr. Rodriguez couldn’t do anything except sighed. “Okay, class begin now.”
Matt wrote something on a piece of paper and shove it to me.
His head look like a dick
I smiled with Urbi. Urbi showed her thumb to Matt.
“Guys on the back, shut up !” Mr. Rodriguez yelled at us.
“I’m telling my cat accident to them sir,” Matt said. The teacher shook his head for the second times.
He shoved me another piece of paper.
I love your style now but i also love your old style.
He blinked his eyes at me with flirty smiles on his face.
I replied by smiles to him. I realized that Cara began to heat up.
When the bell rang, Mr. Rodriguez left the class. Cara approached our table and dragged Matt out from class.
“She pissed off,” Urbi said.
“That’s her fault,” Ava said and lead us out from the class.
The cafeteria was full of people. Late to realized that Matt stood in front of me for food queue.
“What the heck ?” Matt mumbled, Cara still holding his hands. He swung his hands harshly to get off from cara’s.
“I’m fuckin jealous,” Cara yelled back.
“Jealous of what ?” Matt said, his face showed confusion more than ever.
“Jealous seeing you with other girls!” Cara spatted.
“You’re no one for me Cara,” He said and shook his head.
“Don’t you see ?”
“See what ?”
“See that i love you bastard!” Cara yelled, her blood was urging on her head. She breathe heavily.
“But i love her,” He said, pointing to me and embracing me.
My head rested on his chest and he rested his chin on my hair. My body started to shaking as goosebumps entered.
Matt Torres loves me?
All of that below was on just the blurb. Now we start with the chapter. I could believe from the very beginning that your character was a 'poor little rich girl' type. Most American families don't have a nanny. We can't afford them. "...we have lots of maid..." should be "...we have lots of maids..." Have lots is plural and maids needs to agree with that. "...whose I only recognize some..." is wrong. It should be "I only recognize some..." Remember, when I is used as a word, first person singular, it should always be capitalized. "...our mansion got..." should be "...our mansion gets..." Here you are talking about an event that your character is speculating is going to happen in the future. Gets is the future tense of to get. "...she working on her foundation..." is confusing. It could mean a couple of things. One is that she is taking a long time to put on her make-up if she is still working on her foundation while the rest of the family is eating breakfast. The other is she is working for her foundation. That means that is what she does during the day. She may be salaried or unsalaried there, but she goes to an office and works every day. "She always..." should be "She is always..." or possibly, "She's always..." "...she hang out with..." should be "she hangs out with..." "...and leave me..." should be "...and leaves me ..." Yet I cannot imagine that if your character has that many servants in the house she is ever really alone. "...graduated with cum laude..." is wrong. It should be "...graduated com laude..." Cum laude means with honors. So it doesn't make any sense to put with with in the same sentence. "My dad always hoping..." should be "My dad is always hoping..." or "My dad was always hoping..." "...like him" should have a period after it. It seems to me to be the end of a thought so it needs a period. Now's a goodtime to discuss the rules of punctuation. remember that there is never a space before the punctuation mark. after minor punctuation marks, like a comma, there is only one space. After major punctuation marks, like a period, there should be two spaces. "...faith ways..." I don't understand. It doesn't make a lot of sense here. You might consider changing the whole sentence to read, "But he wants to be an actor." "Instead of working on my dad's..." should be "Instead of working in my dad's..." "He is name after my dad." should be "He is named after my dad." "He live in London. Take care of my Dad's company there." should probably be, "He lives in London and takes care of my Dad's company there." "...he is really like my Dad." should then be, "He is really like my Dad." "He bought every thing he wants." Who bought? Your Dad or your brother. You may need to say specifically. Yet I cannot figure out why your Dad would buy it. Doesn't he pay the brother enough to buy those things for himself? "Sorry mom, I I couldn't..." should be "Sorry mom, I can't..." In this conversation you are telling your mother in the present tense. Can't or cannot is the present tense of couldn't or could not. "accepted in a..." should be "...accepted by a..." Ivy league is not a university. It is a collection of universities. You need to research that and decide which Ivy league university you want your character to go to. "...how to well spend it..." should be "...how to spend it well..." "...how to take an investment..." should be "He taught me how to make an investment..." Unless she is a licensed stock broker, she isn't taking orders fro investments from anyone. She would be breaking the law if she did that, and there goes your Ivy League university. "...all about business things..." should be "...all about business..." you can leave things off. The next part is rather difficult for me. Are you trying to say, "My Dad never taught me how to make friends, how to be a popular girl at school, or how to meet boys."? Your sentence was getting to be quite a long run on sentence. "Been bullied since..." should be "I've been bullied..." I don't know about the bullying you kids get these days. But I don't believe it is nearly as bad as what used to happen when I was a kid. When I was a kid bullying often included a black eye and a bloody nose. It was a little hard to hide those things. Torn and dirtied clothing would be a part of it too. You say" deep down I know it was my nanny, but the foot stomps didn't sound like her." You have a problem with that. Is it your nanny or not. It might be better if you said, "I thought it was my nanny, but the foot stomps didn't sound like her." "...stayed still on my place..." should be "...stayed still in my place..." "...whilst..." is not a good choice here. It probably should be "...while...". Okay, in one place you have him with a Tux on. In another place you have him wearing pajamas. Which is it? You need to make up your mind about that. The next part is confusing again. Are you trying to say that your mom always brings positivity into your life? Then it seems like you are saying that your Dad always brings you down. But how could he have taught you the things he taught you if that is true? I think you need to think about that section again. "I went for shower..." should be "I went for a shower..." The next part should probably be, "...and washed my hair..." "...whole summer breaks..." is a little odd. We simply refer to them as "summer breaks..." "I chose white crop T..." should be "I choose a white crop T..." "and sprint..." should be "...and sprinted..." "How many classes you take?" should be "How many classes are you taking." Unless you want the father to actually talk that way. That is allowed, but you have to be the one to make the decision. AP doesn't make any sense as a class designation. It sounds like you are auditing classes. If you want your character to get a degree, she is going to need the credits. That means she has to take the classes and do the class work and take the labs, etc. That is not just auditing. I suggest that you get your hands on a real college catalogue and find out how the classes are designated. If this is her first year at college, she is not taking calculus anything. That is an advanced math class. She would probably start with math 101 for her first freshman semester. After that the math classes tend to be 200's for sophomore year, 300's for junior year and 400's for senior year. The same thing is true for the other classes. But, as I said, get a college catalogue and check them out. A sandwich for breakfast is unusual unless you're at McDonalds. A bowl of cereal and milk would be much more common, perhaps with some fruit in it. "I'm sorry Dad," is okay, but take out the dash. The next question is, is this the first day of school? If not, was that first day of school this year or some other year. You should say. "Los Angeles never so calm..." should be "Los Angeles's never been so calm..." But it seems to me that Los Angeles is a city that never sleeps. So I would suggest that you say, "Los Angeles was pretty calm." "...that could drained your..." should be "...that could drain a ..." Now I must say that I think she is not going to an Ivy League college. A small private college just might not qualify. By the way, I believe there is a list of all the Ivy League colleges somewhere. You might want to research that too. The college might say it's an Ivy League college, but that doesn't prove it. In Los Angeles, why would you go by bus. If you're rich enough to afford a car like that and a chauffer to drive it, why not go that way all the time. ",,,forced me to went..." should be "...forced me to go..." "...stop the engine..." should be "...stopped the engine..." You say that the chauffer wasn't a driver, but that is exactly what a chauffer is. The phrases are redundant. Pick one and keep it. I'm surprised that Zoe apparently left the car without telling the chauffer when and where to pick her up. That doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense to have the car parked in the parking lot at the college all day either. It invites vandalism and car theft. Send the chauffer home or off to run other errands and have him come back. Again whilst is not a good idea here. It is an archaic (old) word. While will work much better. "at me, smh,where..." doesn't make sense. What does smh mean? "If it's smooch, then say smooch. "The girls, yeah, popular groups one..." again doesn't make any sense. I think this section should say, "The girls in the popular groups were talking about me." I would say then, how did you know? Were they pointing at you? "Both of my hands hit them shoulder." I thought they were your friends. What are you hitting them for? If you clapped them both on the shoulder, where is your backpack with your books? If you were just in the car, that would be uncomfortable with your backpack on your back. You should straighten that out, and don't forget, you don't hit your friends. Jolted is not quite right here either. I suggest they jumped. A jump can be very small. A jolt can easily mean they got an electrical shock. The next thing is, if Zoe changed that much over the summer, how did Ava know it was her. It would have to have been by her voice. So have Zoe say something to them. "I smiles to her priceless reaction," should be "I smiled at her priceless reaction. "With smiled on..." should be "...with a smile on..." "...blood boiling on her head..." Oh my gosh, who tried to kill her. Or you might say, "I could see her blood boiling." meaning she was becoming very angry. And this is supposed to be your main character's good friend. I don't think so. How about saying, "She looked a little jealous." Urbi would not have slung her hand, she might have rested it, but not slung it. "...complimented by all student,,," should probably be "...complimented by all the boys ..." Double check all the spacing errors. They maybe yours or they maybe Inkitt's. You still have to fix them. "You gonna be..." should be "You're gonna be..." You said, "that was the first time humiliation hit her in the face." But I don't think she was humiliated yet. It takes more then one of my friends loosing weight and improving their appearance to do that. So far that is all that happened. I'd hold off a while on a statement like that. Why would she go to her cliques with a red face. If she is the good friend of your character, aren't her cliques and your character's cliques the same. And why would she already be crying, she hasn't had the chance to get over her surprise at her friends changed appearance. A lot of this would depend on how the boys are treating Zoe now. We haven't seen any of their reactions yet. "...went to Statistic..." should be "...went to Statistics..." "Matt sitting behind my all the time, all the classes we have..." should be "Matt sat behind me all the time in all the classes we have..." Put a period after the have and start a new sentence. "I didn't know why." "The bell finally ringing..." should be "The bell finally rang..." Why would the bell ringing urge your energy back. That I don't understand. You might be happy to have an excuse to move because you've been sitting so long in the same position. Then I think it should be, "The class dismissed and the students burst through the doors." "...I say and..." should be "...I said and..." By the way, she didn't have the choice about the timing of the Spanish class. If she needed it to get her degree, and that was the time it was offered, that was it. "Why beautiful,,," should be "Why, beautiful..." "Grabbed Ava hand...should be "grabbed Ava's hand..." I'm sorry, I'm getting to tired. I'm afraid that I can't go on tonight. I'll have to try to give in another try tomorrow night.
you don’t have to review all of it :) I really appreciate your effort to correct me. Thank you so much ! i’ll try to look for my grammar again next time ! Thank you once again !
Okay, now to try to finish up where I got to tired the other day. I do review it all because I am not sure you know the grammar. And don't protest to me that you do. Even your use of punctuation in your comment proves that you don't. Why are you using computer symbols when we are not computers. "Late to realize Matt..." That makes no sense at all. What are you trying to say here? How about making it simply, "Matt stood in front of me in the line to get the food.." The next line should end, "Matt rumbled." Then you should start the next sentence. "Cara still holding his hands," should be "Cara was still holding his hands." You don't have a verb in that sentence. He wouldn't swing his hands, if Cara had a hold of them, he wouldn't be able to. What he would be able to do is to pull them away from Cara. "...to get them off cara's..." should be "to get them away from Cara." We would say, "You're not the one for me, Cara." Again, don't forget to capitalize the word I when it is used as a word every time. Also there are a lot of times that you leave a line hanging when it probably would be better to make it a part of the paragraph ahead of it. If you are a student still in school, may I suggest that you show your story to your English teacher and see what he/she has to say about it.