I- This is the End
One year ago, I thought sex was something special and sacred. An experience everyone partakes in even though they’ve been told numerously and relentlessly not to do. It is a forbidden fruit we all pick at some point in our life.
What I find amazing is that we risk pregnancy and diseases just for this one act of love. Yet, this is how we survive and create generations for years and years and eternity. Occasionally, I wonder if sex was the core of our beings. That question keeps me up at night.
Do we have any other purpose other than reproduction? Yes, to love. Then to prove that love, we make love. The common denominator is always and will always be sex and that terrifies me.
As a child, I was naturally inquisitive; a blessing and curse. To ask stupid or invasive questions is simply part of my essence. I remember the day my mother decided it was finally time for ‘the talk’ when I was ten. At the time, I was wondering why Father could not do it so I ask.
“You’re father is very busy,” she said.
As usual, I think but I don’t say anything, Mother would pinch me if I do.
“Austin, I want to talk to you about something important,” she says and I ask her what, “sex.”
I could already feel the pink tinging my cheeks. I was already introduced to sex of course. It was what the boys at school talked about all the time with out mercy and remorse. Sex was the one topic that never died. But even though it was all we could talk about, none of us had ever done anything. It was all talk. In fact, I don’t think any of us had our first kiss yet. At least I hadn’t. Which was why I was appalled that my mother thought now was time to speak of sex.
“Mother....” I plead but it’s no use, “But you didn’t talk to Lee this early.”
“Amelia is a girl,” mother says as if this is supposed justify her actions.
I roll my eyes, “That’s sexist, mother.” She begins to scold me but I won’t let in, “Amelia is a whole four years older than me and she got it earlier this year! Just because I’m a boy doesn’t mean I’ll do it first.”
“Be quiet!” Mother says. “You’re ten. What do you know about sexist!”
“More than you,” I mutter and when I see her glaring at me I quickly apologize.
My mother went through the basic starting with puberty. I learnt about sperm (ew) and eggs (triple ew), condoms and STDs. I sit in front my mother, a little pale and sick. But my curiosity isn’t satisfied. So I ask her the question I was too embarrassed to ask my friends.
“Mother,” my cheeks are bright pink and I don’t want to ask anymore. She gestures for me to continue so I do. “What if I do it with a guy?”
Her eyebrows fly to her hairline widening her hereditary blue eyes. A matching pink flush dust her cheek to and this is the first time I see my mother flustered. This was a bad question. Quickly though, she recovered herself and repainted her easy smile.
“Well...” she says clasping her hands together and leaning forward on the dining table. “You know how God sees as his own?” my mother asks me and I nod, “He won’t anymore,” she concludes and the colour drains from my face.
“What! Why?” I ask frantically. Mother simply tells me its one the things that we mustn’t do, that its a bad.
“Think of it this way. A girl and a boy can make a baby. What can a boy and a boy do? Nothing. It’s not supposed to be that way,” she dismissed.
And that’s what I told myself for years, that homosexuality is bad and that’s it’s not supposed to be that way. So here I am seven years after the talk that never quite parted ways from me, making out with my girlfriend and best friend Hadley Evans. She is my everything and it feels good to kiss her, I guess but something’s off. Never have I felt so displaced than the past year I’ve been with Hadley.
Hadley and I were friends for about an year before we got together. I still remember Mother’s face when she found out we were a couple. She was so happy. It’s the only reason I put up with this for so long. Hadley and my mom hit it off immediately too. Hadley is pretty, polite, sweet and mannerly. Everything my mother looks for in a girl. Hadley is like my mother’s second daughter and Angelica Grace-Lee is like Hadley’s mother.
I did not like this relationship one bit.
Hadley starts to unfasten my belt and I take this as my cue to start the undressing phase. Somehow Hadley and I always mess up this part, there might be someone getting stuck in too tight clothing or someone’s elbow connecting with another’s lips. I feel the dread build up in the pit of my stomach.
I’m not hard. Shit, shit!
I roll Hadley off me and sit on the bed. I rub my temple with my index and thumb fingers and sigh softly, “Sorry, babe.”
Realizing what the problem is, she crawls on top of me and grabs my crotch. “It’s okay. Maybe I can help,” she says in what was supposed seductive tone. She unzips my pants and her mouth was invading my dick’s personal space. I can’t take it anymore so I push her off me.
“Oh my god. Just stop,” I say jumping off the bed. “Leave me alone.”
“What did I do,” Hadley demands.
“I don’t want this.”
“You’re the one who can’t get hard. What, is your dick broken?” Hadley fumes from the next side of the bed, topless. “Make up your mind, Austin. What the fuck do you want?”
I pick up my blue shirt and pull it over my head forcefully, “Not this. I know that for sure.”
“I swear, sometimes I ask myself if you’re gay.”
I freeze for a fragment of a second and that same dread comes back. “You think you’re so pretty that every dick wants to be in you?” I scoff.
“Yeah!” she retorts, “All except for the gay ones.”
“Maybe if you loose a couple of pounds I’ll get hard.” Hadley is generous on the curves but it only accentuates her figure. She is Latina since her family originated in Puerto Rico, but moved to Canada when she was in middle school. Her skin is golden and she has thick wavy black hair that I love.
Hadley shoots me a glare and says something in Spanish that I don’t recognize. I raise my hands in a defense position, “Look, I’m s-”
“No you aren’t. Get out of my fucking house.”
“Hadley,” I say but she’s already tugging on her clothes haphazardly. She looks like she wants to cry and that gives me a guilty pang in my chest. What did I do?
“I’m serious. Get out.”
I gather my remaining clothes and step out her her room. “Hadley, come on, we can work this out.”
She begins to walk towards me and I feel grateful she is giving me a chance after all. She reaches the doorway and I smile. Then her palm slaps my cheek so hard that I feel my jaw shift. Immediately my hands reaches to cradle my stinging cheek.
“Work this out? Work this out?” she screams and I wince, “Austin, we’ve been off and on for months. We are always fighting. Frankly, I think we were way better off as friends because this relationship isn’t working.”
“I know, I know. And I’m sorry. Honest. But even though we fight a lot we somehow come back, right? Please give this another try. I’ll try harder this time, promise,” I say convincingly, “Please Hadley.”
Her eyes soften and she looks like she’s on the brink of tears. She can’t do this. I can make this work.
“Look. It’d be just like the beginning. It’d be perfect. Just give me one last chance. Please.”
“I love you. I really do. You were my first love. My first time. And I’m glad it was you. But... I don’t think we can ever go back to the way we were. Our relationship isn’t healthy and you know that. We can’t keep making empty promises.”
“I can’t loose you,”
“I’m sorry,” is all she says.
She can’t be serious. Hadley and I’s relationship was always toxic. We were always fighting and taking ‘breaks’. Truthfully, I don’t put how we lasted an entire year. She puts both her hands on my shoulders, tiptoes and kisses my cheek lightly. I don’t know if it’s for my sake or hers
“So this is the end, huh,” I say and she nods. “Are we still friends?”
“You should go before my dad comes home,” she says avoiding my eyes and I am crestfallen.
She sighs and closes the door so I do what she says and pull on my pants and get in my car. I hit the wheel in frustration. Everything was going so well. Why do I screw everything up?
I sigh and turn on the ignition and my car roars with life. I drive off.
