Message
“DEAR BELOVED XUEMEI,
The emperor has gotten much better at managing our nation. I believe it is all thanks to your guidance and support. Thank you for being a beacon of light during this dark time for our country and for our emperor. The advisers can only do so much. The results are showing through the children and the elderly the most. Many more of the people now wear clothes, instead of the rags showing their rough backs and knees.
I hear things are getting better in the imperial palace, not just in the countryside and the cities. I pray for your safety. The emperor is a father to his country, but he is also a tiger in his den in the palace. Take care as the only concubine in the inner palace.
In regards to your previous letter, my uncle has... gotten better at handling his temper along with his drinking and gambling problems. I must say, though he has not been exactly treating me well, I am happy for him and wish him the best of luck. He is my guardian and the man who adopted me, after all. I apologize on his behalf if he ever causes a fright from you.
Sincerities and love,
Erxia.”
Completing the final stroke in the character of summer, the xia, Erxia slipped the brush into the small worn-down wooden clip upon her desk. Then, she raised the thin sheet of paper towards the glowing light of the candle, examining her penmanship.
As she brushed her finger against the paper, ink trailed behind in a gentle smudge and stained her thumb.
Outside her door, footsteps wandered around as hands searched through the darkness for the walls. “Erxia, are you done?” a drowsy voice slurred, her door opening with a slam against the wall, ripping her out of her concentration upon the letter. The familiar fermented aroma of rice wine diffused quickly throughout the room. A single hand gripped a small, thin bottle as eyes swiveled around vying for a target to focus on. The intruder’s head tilted back, body sliding down a cracked wall as a long, gulping swig of clear, white substance was sloppily taken. A struggle to clear his throat ensued as he stood up, only to fall onto a small, wooden step stool at the edge of the threshold. He stands again and leans against the thin frame of the door, creaks resounding as the wood bent underneath his weight. “It’s time for you to go to sleep. You have your chores in the morning, remember?”
“Don’t worry, I just finished,” she answered, rising from her chair before continuing to run her gaze from the top to the bottom of the page. After folding the paper in thirds and running her nail against the edge, she quickly cleaned her brush, not wanting to damage yet another one so soon. She learned her lesson the first time she went to the bookstore. When she had attempted to purchase another brush, the owner nearly hit her with his book, chasing her out of his store all while yelling that “little” girls weren’t allowed. Erxia did not want to think too highly of herself; however, she believed that turning 19 was no longer a “little” one.
Her uncle sighed loudly and snorted as Erxia finally slipped her way into bed, lifting the candle to blow the steady stream of fire out. “Erxia,” he mumbled to himself, preventing her from the blowing out the flame. “I’m going to tell you once more; get... get y-your head out of those books and don’t study. You’re a sad excuse for a woman.”
“Uncle, why shouldn’t I?” she asked, setting the candle stand once again onto the nearby table. She knew very well he told her, but she had to defend her reasons. “All the boys are always told to study more so they can score highly in the national entrance exam!” she said, her voice coated with whines. “I think that I can get somewhere with knowledge, too. That I can be successful by myself regardless of class like the exam promotes.”
“The difference is that... that you’re not a man,” he pointed out, hiccuping loudly as he pointed a grimy finger towards her. “You’re not going to get anywhere in life with books. Work on your looks. Marry into a good family. That’s the only way you’ll gain anything in this life. As Confucius said, these are roles in society and breaking them would mean havoc.”
Her lip quivered slightly, her gaze slipping to the floor. “Well, what about those stories where the women disguise themselves as men?” she pointed out, referencing the many famous tales that she had heard from women growing up. “They did things all while dressed as men. So I’ll do that.”
The man snickered, the wine sloshing out of his bottle as his thin chest heaved with laughter. “You really think men are dumb enough to fall for that?” he asked, slipping from the beam of wood that served as his support. “I’ll tell you what; those are wives’ tales for a reason. They’re great to tell, gives hope to women. But for women to sneak through the annual exam as a man? Not a chance! The security there is tighter than around the inner palace! Women have this... this natural charm and air that men just don’t have.”
“Uncle... What should I do then?”
His red face grew even brighter with frustration and anger. She knew what to do! She’s been told so many times! “Just do what your grandmother, your mother, and every other girl out there does,” he huffed, wiping his nose on his sleeves and wringing his empty hand wildly. His voice began to escalate, proportionate to his intent and feelings within his slurred mind. “Work on your looks and find a wealthy man! Maybe woo him with your books smarts or something; I dunno. At least you can use them for that.”
Her uncle removed himself from his place against her wall, straightening his back with snapping and cracking. “There’s goodnight, Erxia,” he said, swirling the last bit of his alcohol in his mouth. “I don’t think you need a kiss goodnight anymore.”
His footsteps echoed throughout the corridor and her room as he stumbled into his own room, his feet heavily crashing against the weakened floorboards and occasionally slamming against the walls. Each tap, each crash, each bump was a reminder of his words, of the reality that lay before her. Erxia understood his intentions, but she could not help but want more. A wife’s duty in a household, cleaning, cooking, and sewing was not what she wanted. She wanted to leave a true mark on the world while she could, to leave it a better place for all than when she entered it. “I only wish for equality,” she whispered, her head falling against her soft pillow. “As long as men work hard and study, they can achieve anything in China. Why not women?”
“Or rather, why couldn’t I have been born male instead?”
The darkness of the midnight skies was the only response to her question. Even the moon has waned to a bare sliver of light against the smattering of luminous stars that scatter across the heavenly sky. When her uncle extinguished the nightly flame, Erxia could not even see the dried ink-stain marking her fingers as she slid it underneath her cheek, her body sinking into peaceful, mindless voids.
