Flashbacks

I had a happy life.

My parents were around, hardworking and always made sure I was fed and cared for. Nothing bad really happened, except that time some kid put gum in my hair. Other than that, I’ve lived a happy life.

Growing up my parents always kept a close eye on me. Many arguments were had over the over protectiveness, tears were shed.

Always from my parents.

When I was 14 I asked my family why my parents were so strict.

Their answers were distant and short.

“Because they care for you”

“They just want to keep you safe”

Always the same. As if it were scripted.

The real nightmare started when I was 17. Social media was something every teen had, and so did I.

Stalking through Instagram and finding TV show suggestions. That’s where I came across Law&Order.

Special Victims Unit.

The first episode was little more than a blur. I can’t recall anything from that episode. The only thing I remember is my vision blacking out now and again.

Snippets of a memory I can’t quite place.

Voices I can't grab onto.

And a face that sends shivers down my spine.

I stopped watching for a while, but then the holiday came and I had nothing much to do. So I watched it again.

Episode after episode painted a picture that I would rather have left buried in the back of my mind.

That face and the voices and the roaming hands. The tears and the blood.

The pain.

Every court scene brought me back to my own.

A memory of when I was no more than 3 rushed back to me in waves.

A memory that I shouldn’t even remember. A memory that no one acknowledged and thus was left to fade.

Now.

Now it was all clear. Every night, every day.

Every time i shut my eyes, I remember.

I grew cold and distant not daring to make my parents relive the nightmare that they went through.

I kept my mouth shut.

“Keep your mouth open darling”

Attacked by visions of a man whose face just won’t stick but maybe its better that way.

I can still pretend it’s just a never-ending nightmare.

I stay in bed more now. I have no other place to be for the next 5 weeks.

My friends want me to go out but I every man I pass gives me a cold chill.

My family, they noticed. I hear them talking, contemplating whether or not I remember.

“She can’t have, she was so young”

My tears have taken all my oxygen. My heart is so tired from beating so hard and so fast.

My ears are constantly assaulted by the thick sound of that mans voice.

I’m stuck and I can’t get out.

I need help but every time i want to reach out his voice is in my head

“Our little secret”

My life could have been great.

Had I not ended it.