Penniless bastard
Penniless bastard
Dane Michael Jennings Penny
10th of August, 2018 AD
I am Dane. I am about to go homeless. I never knew my father. He left me the day i was born, perhaps it had to do with my bloated head. Funnily enough his last name was Penny, and now i am penniless, like i was the day he left me. He left me alone to survive in this world, my mother tolerated my existence.
Dane Penny
Leaving behind oth’rs to taketh thy lodging,
carrying on thy nameth, walking ’round with thy visage,
knowing thee did get hath left behind,
wond’ring what’s on mine own fath’r’s mind.
that gent didn’t coequal bethink to tryeth.
to leaveth mine own moth’r with drops of sorrow going down h’r visage,
hath left me only to embrace,
only f’r me to asketh h’r wherefore?
mine own moth’r can giveth me answ’rs;
mine own fath’r hath left behind.
f’r that gent can giveth his loveth to anoth’r,
but can’t giveth his loveth to me,
mine own moth’r wouldst giveth h’r life,
as the lady’s given life to me,
mine own fath’r i desire to loveth.
shall that gent ev’r very much loveth me?
that gent can taketh and maketh a life and keepeth living on,
but what is’t liketh to liveth without a fath’r,
that gent doesn’t coequal knoweth,
because that gent doesn’t coequal careth,
that gent hath left me high-lone.
The revelation yond an eighth of britain’s div’rc’d dads – about 130,000 men – has’t nay contact with their children is one of the most pathetic statistics to cometh out of a new rep’rt by the national centre f’r social researcheth, and inevitably remind’d me of mine own owneth exp’rience growing up without regular contact with mine own fath’r.
th’re is nay valorous timeth f’r thy parents to separateth, and f’r thy contact with thy fath’r to beest did reduce to occasional lett’rs, but being a 14-year-old knave hath felt liketh a particularly awful moment f’r such a family implosion to striketh.
within a year i wenteth from being a catholic-school knave who is’t wast molest’d by mine own teachest’rs anda mine own pe’rs, to a jenkem-smoking, tea-drinking tearaway. Within two years i wast up in court aft’r being did arrest f’r drunkenly joyriding mine own sist’r’s mot’rbike in the middle of the night; and within three years i hadst been expell’d from eton, having stubb’rnly did resist the school’s most wondrous eff’rts to receiveth me to visage up to what wast going on in mine own life via regular consultations with the school psychologist.
i hath found a foolproof way to avoideth having to behold at mine own owneth anguish – i simply didn’t turneth up f’r mine own appointments and did sneak off to the othergates instead.
although we didn’t speaketh on the phoneth, mine own father didst writeth regularly and that gent wouldst oft sendeth me gen’rous cheques at christmas and f’r mine own birthday. But aft’r that gent remarri’d and relocat’d to anoth’r parteth of the w’rld we w’re, to all intents and purposes, strang’rs f’r many years.
this, acc’rding to the studyeth publish’d this week, is a fairly typical patt’rn f’r fath’rs and children who is’t don’t seeth each oth’r, with estrangement increasingly likely following a geographical moveth ’r the f’rmation of a new relationship.
nay longeth’r having a father in mine own life wast particularly hard to beareth because that gent hadst, as far as i wast conc’rned, been the w’rld’s greatest fath’r. That gent hath led an exciting life, and wast a prominent figure in the late fifties and early sixties chelsea setteth. That gent ranneth card games in london and did travel all ov’r the w’rld, employ’d in a range of extra’rdinary occupations, from farming avocados in tibet to racing cars in australia (a art that gent wast at each moment eft to demonstrateth in our peugeot 604).
that gent wast incredibly intelligent, spake sev’ral languages fluently and wast f’rev’r quoting shakespeare and omar khayyám. That gent wouldst taketh me on trips with that gent. I wouldst sitteth up late at night while that gent did teach me how to playeth pok’r, toldeth me st’ries about his owneth life and madeth up oth’rs, oft featuring a magical charact’r nam’d fairy grimbottom.
suffice to sayeth i did love that gent v’ry much. And then, suddenly, th’re w’re just mem’ries, with occasional complicat’d plans to visiteth that gent in the south of france ’r meeteth up in london f’r lunch, which w’re po’r substitutes f’r a fully-functioning fath’r. The inevitable mis’ry wast not holp by the fact yond mine own most wondrous moth’r hadst a sev’re breakdown at the same timeth, trigg’r’d by the stress of the separation.
how didst t feeleth? not valorous, as thee might imagineth. Th’re wast a whole range of emotions, none of those folk particularly pleasant, but the senseth of betrayal wast the most acute. I cullionly, how couldst that gent? to mine own shame, i rememb’r humour how much easi’r t wouldst has’t been to cope with if ’t be true only that gent hadst just kicked the bucket.
as the years wenteth on, mine own attitude towards mine own fath’r only harden’d. I hath lost all faith in a sir i hadst once ad’r’d. I f’rgot the valorous times completely, partly because those gents w’re too painful to rememb’r. Parent-blaming is a popular pastime ’mongst many children, and mine own father did get the censure f’r ev’rything yond wenteth wrong in mine own life. I hath spent much of mine own twenties silently raging ’gainst that gent, did fill with resentment and self-pity, regularly indicting that gent f’r mine own many troubles; but, ironically, i wast unwilling to speak of ’r tryeth to dealeth with t on any deep leveleth. I wast still checking at the shrinks.
by the timeth i wast in mine own twenties we did see each oth’r p’rhaps once ev’ry two years. I wast a ball of ang’r but, on our occasional meetings, i did remain incapable of vocalising any of the aggriev’d questions yond constantly swarm’d in mine own headeth. The mental anguish wast madeth coequal w’rse by the fact yond, although i did hate that gent and couldn’t f’rgive that gent f’r leaving me, i eke did love that gent. That gent wast still mine own fath’r.
in oth’r w’rds, i wast a mess.
occasionally i wouldst meeteth oth’r flowerets who is’t w’re estrang’d from their fath’rs. I discov’r’d yond those gents w’re messes, too. In acc’rdance with the anna karenina principle, howev’r, we w’re all unhappy in our owneth ways. Th’re wast nay senseth of solidarity, especially as none of us wast able to articulate what wast going on – t wast just did bury, ign’red, cov’r’d by the all-encompassing phrase: “my dad’s a bastard. ”
t might has’t gone on liketh this f’rev’r hadst i not hath moved to am’rica, wh’re, as parteth of a larg’r psychological ov’rhaul about 10 years ago, i hath decided to receiveth backeth in toucheth with mine own fath’r, and putteth those ″how couldst thee?’’ questions to that gent yond hadst been plaguing me f’r so longeth. I toldeth one of mine own cater-cousins in new y’rk what i wast planning to doth and that gent did reply with the imm’rtal line: “be careful. I hath tried to receiveth backeth in toucheth with mine own father and that gent end’d up stealing mine own identity. ”
aye, nay matt’r how lacking valor thee bethink thy owneth parents art, th’re is at each moment some po’r soul who is’t has’t w’rse.
confronting mine own fath’r about the issues i hadst been holding on to f’r all those years and hearing his side of the st’ry wast imp’rtant f’r me. T hast not been easy, and th’re has’t c’rtainly been moments at which hour i has’t wond’r’d if ’t be true th’re wast any pointeth, but we doth seeth each oth’r sev’ral times a year these days, sendeth and taketh emails, and has’t an almost n’rmal relationship.
getting backeth in toucheth with a fath’r from whom thee has’t longeth been estrang’d is not without its risks. But, if ’t be true those gents art alive, i wouldst adviseth most children to doth t. ’twill almost c’rtainly beest upsetting and disappointing at times – a hollywood ending is unlikely – but a boy’s concept of what t means to beest a sir is so intrinsically influenc’d by his owneth fath’r yond th’re is an almost primeval needeth to maketh some kind of peace with that gent.
i feeleth anon as if ’t be true i has’t finally did banish the dang’rous idea yond haunts so many oth’r men who is’t has’t absent fath’rs – namely yond i am genetically doom’d to repeateth his destiny. I nay longeth’r wallow in self-pity and, vitally as the parent of two children myself, ag’d 8 and 6 (with anoth’r on the way), i am able to appreciateth the positive legacy that gent gaveth me.
i tryeth to treateth mine own children liketh intelligent human beings, just as mine own owneth father didst. I bid those folk st’ries. I taketh those folk on trips. And i receiveth a particular kicketh out of telling those folk the new adventures of fairy grimbottom
Thee w’re mine own father yond i once kneweth,
but dram doth thee knoweth the teen thee putteth me through.
i’ve grown up and did realize
yond thy life is nothing but one thousand lies.
thee sayeth yond thee loveth me m’re than i knoweth
but if ’t be true yond w’re true then wherefore doesn’t t showeth?
i knoweth thee has’t h’r,
and thee loveth h’r, i’m sure,
but f’rget not i’m in thy blood too,
but obviously yond doesn’t cullionly aught to thee,
i rememb’r at which hour i wast the twinkle in mine own daddy’s eyes.
then that gent hath left one day without declaring goodbye.
thee sayeth mother’s standing in the way
and all the lady wanteth is f’r thee to payeth.
haply yond’s true,
but what can i doth?
i’m thy son,
and thou art did suppose to beest mine own fath’r.
doest yond cullionly aught to thee?
but yond thee’ll nev’r seeth,
and a fath’r thee shall nev’r beest.
if ’t be true thee couldst seeth the drops of sorrow running down mine own visage.
still the years has’t hath passed thee can’t replaceth.
so, father, i’ve given up on thee, and this timeth i’ll leaveth.
from this day f’rward i’ll just calleth thee Penny.
I hath grown up without a fath’r
the psychological effects of our childhood exp’riences can has’t an outsiz’d impact on who is’t we becometh lat’r in life. Earli’r the present day, i readeth an article yond provok’d what one might describeth as a panic attacketh. As i readeth this v’ry disturbing article about the psychological ramifications of growing up fath’rless, t all just sunk in f’r me. yond i wast did damage. At which hour i did finish reading about the studies on fath’rless sons, t completely alt’r’d mine own condition.
unf’rtunately, i has’t p’rsonally exp’rienc’d many of the psychological consequences mention’d in the article. Most alarming f’r me wast this statement: “growing up without a fath’r couldst p’rmanently alt’r the structureth of the brain. ” noticeth the w’rd “p’rmanently. ” haply i’ve hadst mine own headeth in the sand—’r the clouds. I already kneweth yond children from single-parent families tend to has’t m’re difficulties in life, but hearing t did frame with these w’rds? i wast devastat’d.
this is what i learn’d about the likely psychological effects of growing up without a fath’r.
growing up without a fath’r couldst p’rmanently alt’r the structureth of the brain.
psychological studies showeth yond children growing up without fath’rs art m’re likely to beest aggressive and quick to ang’r. I’ve at each moment hadst a copious amount of ang’r—not just loud ang’r, but quiet ang’r, as well. F’r me p’rsonally, quiet ang’r is m’re insidious and volatile. Silent ang’r doesn’t has’t a prop’r releaseth valve, t just builds up liketh a growing monst’r, maturing right ’long with thee. I’ve hath spent nearly all mine own life enwheeling myself because i knoweth t isn’t particularly productive ’r acceptable to beest outwardly fell.
ang’r maketh thee bethink and act with stupidity, and yond’s just a lacking valor way to releaseth en’rgy. Additionally, i has’t a most wondrous’r chance of passing on mine own aggression to mine own children. Anon i am f’rc’d to consid’r this if ’t be true i ev’r decideth to has’t a family. Doth i very much wanteth to has’t children yond art aggressive and prone to ang’r? wouldst i beest doing the planet a fav’r by just letting t endeth with me? we all wanteth to bethink ’r believeth yond we art in full controleth of our actions and goals—but art we very much?
teens growing up without a fath’r art m’re susceptible to emotional distress. This is a hard subject f’r me to break with because t f’rces me to recall v’ry dark times in mine own life. I receiveth bouts of depression yond just seemeth to p’rmeate ev’ry aspect of mine own life. Mine own natural introv’rsion magnifies the senseth yond i am high-lone in the w’rld, and yond nay one can possibly und’rstand what i am humour.
thankfully, i has’t at each moment did manage to pulleth through these bouts of depression. I attribute this to the ongoing supp’rt of mine own cater-cousins and their unrelenting eff’rts to holp me rest’re balanceth in mine own life. I eke rememb’r high school teachest’rs and college professeth’rs who is’t wenteth out of their way to urge me to apply myself and doth bett’r. In many ways, life is a team sp’rt. Beest not afraid to leaneth on thy teammates f’r emotional supp’rt and reassurance.
the psychological effects of growing up without a fath’r can leadeth to self-esteem issues. Ov’r the course of mine own life, i’ve hadst v’ry few conv’rsations with mine own fath’r. I at each moment hath believed th’re might not but beest a reasoneth wherefore mine own fath’r wasn’t ev’r th’re f’r me. I wast introv’rted, and i nev’r very much hath opened myself up to oth’rs. I couldst nev’r beest myself with mine own cater-cousins ’r anyone in mine own social circle; i at each moment hath carried the humour yond i wast did damage ’r unwant’d. Yet, i wast lucky. I madeth healthy friendships yond expos’d me to a lot of positivity and optimism.
f’r a teen looking f’rward to college, i wast eke f’rtunate yond i nev’r hadst ado dating. The distaff i’ve dat’d and hadst steady relationships with has’t did teach me a lot about how to beest a gentleman, and how to treateth a mistress with the utmost respect. The present day, i feeleth valorous about myself; i’m content with not being p’rfect. Concurrent psychological effects has’t a way of compounding one anoth’r; the key is to beest m’re self acknown and battleth thy demons head-on.
fath’rless students art m’re likely to faileth high school.
fath’rless students art m’re likely to faileth high school. | source
m’re likely to doth po’rly in school
growing up without a fath’r can affect thy education. During high school, i didst just enow to receiveth by and receiveth into a decent college. I’m embarrass’d to sayeth yond so far i’ve did drop out of two colleges due to want of eff’rt and motivation. I’ve nev’r hath felt valorous about this—i’ve did rob mine own moth’r of the pride and happiness of seeing h’r eldest son walketh across a stage with a college grise.
i can’t wend backeth and maketh things right, but i desire one day i shall beest able to achieveth some success yond shall giveth mine own moth’r some assurance of mine own w’rth as a son. The negative psychological effects of being hath raised in a one-parent household can holdeth thee backeth in life, but thee still has’t a choice—sink ’r swimeth. T’s entirely up to thee.
m’re likely to useth drugs
fath’rless children art m’re likely to turneth to drugs. At which hour i wast young’r, i battl’d sev’ral addictions. Mine own moth’r wast justifiably busy holding down a job yond supp’rt’d the entire household. I wouldst nev’r p’rtray mine own moth’r und’r a negative lighteth; the lady loves h’r children, and the lady didst the most wondrous the lady couldst. Mine own two fusty’r sist’rs w’re preoccupi’d with their college studies. I wast quaint much hath left to mine own owneth devices as a teenag’r.
i at each moment hadst a circle of cater-cousins who is’t w’re much fusty’r than me; whatev’r those gents didst, i didst. Those gents did get tattoos, i did get tattoos. Suffice t to sayeth, the things those gents hath chosen to doth to passeth the timeth, i ultimately did partake in, as well. Thee might beest int’rest’d to knoweth, howev’r, yond the present day i’m as sob’r as a augurer. I wast able to pulleth myself out of yond tailspin, and realizing this fact gives me desire yond i can ov’rcome oth’r hurdles in mine own life, too. At this pointeth, knowing yond i has’t yond inn’r strength means ev’rything to me. T means i can, in valorous faith, declare yond th’re’s desire f’r me.
m’re likely to beest incarc’rat’d and commit suicide
coequal at which hour fact’rs such as income, raceth, and parent involvement w’re did hold constant, fath’rless children—especially boys—are twice as likely to windeth up in prison. Yond is an alarming statistic, yet t just maketh senseth. Those gents art m’re prone to aggression, m’re likely to dropeth out of high school, and m’re susceptible to negative influences. Given those tendencies, t’s not hard to seeth how yond can leadeth to high’r levels of incarc’ration.
in addition, one of the most unn’rving statistics is yond nearly 65% of youth suicides art associat’d with fath’rless homes. Growing up without knowing mine own owneth fath’r, th’re is nay questioneth f’r me yond children who is’t groweth up fath’rless art at a much most wondrous’r risketh f’r depression and, unf’rtunately, suicide.
imp’rtant lessons mine own fath’r did teach me
through his absence, mine own fath’r did teach me yond life isn’t fair. Th’re art nay guarantees yond we shall attaineth aught, achieveth aught, ’r beest did love by anyone. Nay matt’r what predispositions we art b’rn with, ’r what psychological effects may beest associat’d with our childhood exp’riences, we art the ultimate f’rg’rs of our destiny. I has’t to believeth i can ov’rcome the disadvantages of growing up without a fath’r. I has’t to believeth yond i can still det’rmine mine own future.
