How Could You?

Alec couldn’t breathe as he made his way into where he knew Sebastian had been staying. How could he do this to him? How could anyone do that? You had to be a monster. That’s what Sebastian was, though. Somehow Alec hadn’t seen it. The other man had seemed so genuine and caring toward Alec. He’d been there for him when it seemed no one else had been. Alec didn’t know what he’d felt for the other man.

Now all he felt was disgust at himself. How hadn’t he seen it before? He’d let Sebastian kill his brother and injure his sister and all because he’d trusted him to take care of them. He’d really thought he could trust him with that. No one knew about whatever it was the two of them had been doing. They’d started out talking late at night and then they’d kissed and fell asleep together. They’d somehow ended up naked in bed more than once. The truth was Alec may or may not have cared about the other up until that point. Now what?

“Sebastian! Where the hell are you?” he called out vehemently. As if on call, the other man appeared in the doorway, looking at the floor with emotions Alec couldn’t grasp. Alec stared at him before asking the inevitable. “How could you?”

“I didn’t intend to kill him, Alec,” Sebastian mumbled, barely looking up at him with his dark eyes. He looked broken. Probably because he was broken. Not that that helped at all. A flash of rage came over Alec as he heard the other’s feeble excuse.

“How the hell do you accidentally do that?” he demanded. “How do you accidentally kill someone? How do you accidentally kill my baby brother?” By now, he was shouting and crying as he watched the other for any kind of reaction. Alec hated feeling this way. He wanted to go back before Magnus broke up with him and before his brother was killed. This war was one he wouldn’t survive.

“I only meant to knock them out, not kill either of them,” Sebastian tried to explain, but wasn’t helping his case. This man in front of him had killed his baby brother after they’d had some sort of fucked up relationship.

“You killed my brother!” Alec sobbed as he grabbed Sebastian roughly by the shirt and pushed him against the wall with all of his weight. He leaned down to connect their lips violently, gripping the other and pulling him against himself. After a second, Sebastian kissed him back just as visciously, switching their positions so Alec was the one pushed against the wall.

“I know, Alec. I’m sorry,” he mumbled into Alec’s lips.

“This is not something you can just apologize for, Sebastian. It’s not just going to be okay because you apologize,” Alec pulled back with a sob into Sebastian’s chest. Fuck, he was so broken. He was standing there kissing the murderer of his brother. “You killed my brother. He’s dead and you killed him and-” He broke off, unable to say anything coherent as he bawled into the chest conveniently in front of him. He suddenly couldn’t breathe.

His brother was dead and he was with his murderer and his body wanted to be with Sebastian even if his mind told him otherwise.wlec cried for all the reasons Max would be the one alive. He cried for all the things Alec should’ve done better in being a better brother. He cried for all the things Max Lightwood could’ve and should’ve been.

“Alec, I- I’m so sorry- I love you, Alec, you know that,” Sebastian tried to tell him. Alec wasn’t sure what emotions- if any- he sensed in Sebastian when he said that. The brunette made a face of horror and disgust as he pushed the blond off of him.

“You don’t love me. Don’t-” Alec yelled at him as he pressed him roughly to the ground and punched his face. A moment, Sebastian pushed at him and hit him just as hard, successfully pushing Alec to the ground now. “Don’t say that. You’re a monster.”

“Of course I am! You’ve known that this entire time, Alec,” he said.

“Get off of me, you fucking m-” the brunette started before hitting Sebastian again, able to hear the crack of bone. Once he straddled the other, the blond pulled him down and they were kissing painfully again, gripping roughly at each other. Their lips and teeth crashing and biting and bruising. Soon, Alec’s shirt was lost and he had more painful bite marks all over his torso and up his neck. Sebastian was suddenly nipping and licking at Alec’s neck. “I hate you.”

“No, you don’t. Don’t say that,” Sebastian said.

“It- mmph- it is true. I can’t even stand to look at you right now, Seb, you killed my brother! You killed-” Alec said.

Before he could start yelling more at Sebastian, the blond groaned and leaned back down to press their lips together again, running a hand down with his nails leaving bleeding marks up and down his body to slip into Alec’s pants, immediately wrapping his warm hand around the brunette’s cock. Alec’s hips thrusted up into Sebastian unintentionally, hating that it felt as good as ever. How could he still want what this monster had to give? What was wrong with Alec? He wondered if that made him the real monster.

“You don’t need to look at me for me to know you don’t hate me. You don’t need to look at me for me to know you love me, even if you know well enough how truly vicious I am,” Sebastian said. Alec moaned loudly and shook his head. His eyes opened slowly and his hands went down to pull Sebastian’s out of his pants.

“I do not love you, Sebastian. If anything, I used you-” Alec said. The sobs still wracked his body.

“Don’t lie to me,” he said. Sebastian knew Alec hadn’t used him. Maybe he didn’t love him the way Sebastian thought, but he didn’t hate him. If that were the case, Alec wouldn’t be here like this. Alec was far too good to ever do this with anyone he didn’t have feelings for in that way. Sebastian did let his hand be pulled off, though. He looked at Alec when the brunette pushed him off and went to throw his shirt at him. “I- I should-”

“You should what?” Alec said. He looked at the other man with so many mixed emotions. His pale face had bruises and fingerprints. The pink lips Alec couldn’t seem to get enough of were dripping blood. His torso was bloody and scratched up, with bruises to match. By the angel, did he really do that? “Was it really an accident?”

“I may be a monster, but I wouldn’t ever lie to you, Alec. I’m sorry. I’m going to leave now. I’ll leave you be. Just forget about me like you should have a long time ago,” Sebastian said. Then, he turned to leave without another word. Alec watched him leave before he had a chance to come up with anything coherent to say.