Lose Yourself

The first time that Lucas Todd saw Henry Sweet, the chocolate curled, forest green eyed boy was playing the youngest son on the United Kingdom’s favorite 90′s family show, Heart and Home. Lucas was only eight then, had wanted to have the life Sweet lived or at least was shown living with the loving two parent family, and the all around warmth that the boy appeared to be showered with.

For the next four years of his life, he watched Sweet grow up through the television, his admiration slowly turning to envy, and bitterness. He shifted to watching over his two little sisters, Celeste and Fallon, giving them the love and adoration that he wished his mum would have offered him, but he always knew he wasn’t as important as whatever made her feel best at the passing moment. He spent his youth doting on children that weren’t his, preparing meals for his siblings when his mum was passed out in the den, and following morals he learned from a tv show that taught him how to take care of others. Maybe if he had watched Sweet’s program a little longer, he would have learned how to take care of himself.

When he turned sixteen, he stopped seeing the point of searching for affection from his mum; realized she had never been able to offer him anything other than a way out. His desire for love from her turned to desperation for acknowledgement, for any recognition that she knew he existed. His television show morals slipped into guidelines into faint whispers in the back of his mind. His birthday gift that year was in the form of a needle, brown liquid, and a brittle, warm hand on his wrist. He had thought his mum had loved him then.

Now, he doesn’t like to think about that first time or about the years lost between then and his mum’s death. He likes to remember his sobriety in the weeks after her passing, his sisters’ loving, forgiving faces when he moved them into his new home, and his success in rebuilding his life. Yeah, at twenty-five, those are the things he likes to remember.

The next time that he sees Henry Sweet, the boy is no longer the comedic, and adorable child that he once wanted to be. Sweet is now, being featured on the cover of his eldest sister’s magazine with the headline: ‘Lilac Gents: Henry Sweet is all grown up!’ From the looks of the photograph, the 90′s family star certainly is all… well, he’s certainly something else. Sweet has a stronger jaw now, and his hair is more artful that cute, laced with a union jack bandana to hold most of his curls back from his eyes. He’s still got the wide smile though, the one that Lucas often would try to imitate in the mirror as a child.

“Why’s he on the cover?” Lucas asks as he finishes cutting off the crusts of one of his sisters’ school lunches. “Are they reviving the show?” He hopes that’s not the case, doesn’t remember ever seeing a revival series that lived up to the original.

“He’s in a band,” Celeste rolls her blue eyes like Lucas should know that. She tucks a strand of her long, blonde hair behind her ear, and flips over a few pages in the magazine before holding it up for Lucas to see. The page spread is mostly covered in a photo of five young men sitting around in a garage with their instruments, and in the middle of it all is Henry Sweet with his long legs stretched out from where he’s laying on a worn carpet. “Henry’s the lead singer. Haven’t you heard their music? It’s on the radio a lot,” she goes on to name each of the other band members, and a few of their songs.

Listening with mild interest, Lucas finishes packing his sisters’ lunches, and wipes his hands on a spare napkin. “Don’t think I have, Celeste. You can play some in the car, if you want, but we need to get going,” he passes out the sack lunches, and ushers his two sisters toward the door before grabbing his messenger bag.

The drive to the girls’ school is filled with loud pop music that has a little indie flavor, and a lot of Celeste’s chatter that Lucas never quite manages to focus on. “Have a good day!” he smiles when he drops his sisters off, and heads to work with a little heavier heart. The feeling isn’t new, his job tends to remind him of where he was only a few years before, and it still hurts a little every time he walks through the doors labeled Four Seasons Rehabilitation and Recovery Group. He’s worked here for two years now as an interventionist and addiction counselor, but he still has to steel himself every time he walks inside. He doesn’t want to, but he can remember what it feels like to be on the other side of this; the pains of someone needing to escape, but not knowing if it would ever be possible.

“Good morning, Mr. Todd,” the receptionist, Eloise smiles kindly at him. Her short brown hair is wavy today reminding him of the beach that he’s only ever been to once.

“Morning El,” Lucas smiles tiredly in return. “What have you got in store for me today?”

Shuffling around a stack of folders, Eloise sets a few on the counter for him to see, “An appointment with Ellis Ramsay at nine, and another with the Miller family at eleven. Then, it looks like Mr. Grimm has you down for a meeting with him after lunch. After that, you have a new client at four, and Landry Davis at five.”

“What’s the meeting about?” Lucas’ confused merely because his boss generally only meets with him when he’s been accused of not doing what he’s supposed to, and he’s relatively certain that he’s been keeping with policy.

“He hasn’t said anything to me,” Eloise shrugs daintily, and offers Lucas a pitying smile. “There was just a note about it on my calendar when I got here.”

Odd, Lucas thinks, but he gathers the folders she set out for him anyway. “Thanks,” he smiles before heading to his office space.

The room is more of a comfortable sitting area than it is an office, but it does have a little wooden desk for him by the back window so he calls it his office anyway. He tucks his legs up underneath him as he sits in his leather swivel chair, and begins going through his folders for the day.

Ellis Ramsay is one of his few returning clients, a nineteen year old methamphetamine addict who had relapsed the last time Lucas spoke with her. She reminds him quite a lot of himself, of his mother, but she hasn’t given up yet so he focuses on that. When she shows up shaking from withdrawals and apologetic for being a few minutes late, he just smiles before telling her that he’s happy she’s there.

The Miller family is a whole different mess. A few weeks ago, Lucas aided in the intervention of George Miller, a fifty-five year old father of six, and an alcoholic thirty-two years in the making. After the intervention, Mr. Miller skipped town, and as the appointment progresses, Lucas is sad to hear that his family still hasn’t seen him. So, he focuses on the Miller family members that are there, talks them through what to do when they hear from their father, and how important it is to stand their ground in cutting him off. He tells them what he wishes someone would have told him, tries not to wonder how different things would have been if someone had.

After Lucas finishes his peanut butter and honey sandwich, he heads to Mr. Grimm’s office with his mug of tea in hand. He knocks politely before going inside, “You wanted to see me?”

“Ah, Lucas, have a seat,” Nate Grimm looks up from where he’s seated behind his desk, and his dark hair flops over his forehead a little. “Alright?” he asks with a grin.

Nodding, Lucas takes the seat closest to Nate’s desk, “Yeah. How are you?”

“Famished,” Nate leans back in his chair with a burdened sigh. “Also, fairly intrigued. I received a very interesting phone call this morning from one Nicholas Hale.”

The name sounds familiar, and Lucas remembers hearing it recently. Yet, he’s not sure where or how he knows the name. “Okay?” he replies slowly.

Rolling his hazel eyes, Nate leans forward with his elbows on the desk, “He’s the guitarist for Lilac Gents.”

Oh, Lucas thinks back to the photo spread Celeste showed him a few hours ago. He’s not sure which guy Nicholas was, but at least he has some frame of reference. “Why did he call?”

“It’s all very hush-hush, but from what he told me it sounds like the band is looking for someone to come out and do a consult,” Nate waves his hand vaguely, and pulls a paper from the stack on his desk. “Mr. Hale wants to meet with someone beforehand to decide whether or not to proceed. He wouldn’t really give me any other details.”

“Does he have a drug problem?” Lucas scratches at the scruff on his chin, and wonders why Nate is telling him this.

Turning the paper in his hands so Lucas can see just how little information he wrote down about the call, Nate shrugs, “I don’t believe so. It must be someone else in the band or their crew. If possible, I would like to schedule for you to meet with him.”

“I could do that,” Lucas nods with a little uncertainty. He dislikes the vagueness of the whole situation, but he’s not sure that anything to do with his work is ever completely clear.

Seemingly pleased, Nate picks up his phone, and dials out. It takes a moment before whoever he’s called picks up, “Hello, Mr. Hale, this is Nate Grimm from Four Seasons...” He nods to whatever Hale says before continuing, “Yes, and I have a consultant who is able to come meet with you when you’re available.”

As Lucas waits, he fidgets with the white cuffs of his blue button up to keep his thoughts confined to a task. He twists the little black moon crescent cuff links that Fallon bought him for his birthday the previous year, and lets his shoulders relax.

“Wonderful, I will have Lucas Todd meet you there tomorrow,” Nate scribbles something on his paper before bidding Mr. Hale goodbye. “Alright, he’s got a two hour window at one tomorrow afternoon to meet with you. If we land him or whomever as a client... That would be really great. Here’s the address,” he passes the paper over to Lucas, and leans back in his chair.

“London?” Lucas sighs, and thinks of who he can ask to take the girls to school so he can make the drive from Manchester to London. “Bit far for us, isn’t it?”

Grimacing a little, Nate splays his hands with a shrug, “It is, but he was insistent on it being our company. He didn’t want anyone from the city, something about the people there not being able to keep their mouths shut.”

“Bit paranoid,” Lucas laughs dryly. “What will happen if he does hire us? I’ve got other clients, and my sisters. I can’t be in the city constantly.”

“We’ll figure it out when the time comes,” Nate pushes his hair back from his face. “Now get out so I can order a pizza for myself.”

With a small smile, Lucas returns to his office. He busies himself with dictating notes from his tape recorder from his last two appointments before his new client appears.

Emily Parks, his new client, is a twenty-seven year old mother of three boys. She’s also, a former cocaine addict. At least, she tells Lucas that she’s quit, but he doubts it if the dilation of her pupils and the fidgety manner of her hands are any indication. He counts her being there as a victory though because if she hasn’t quit, some part of her does want to.

On the other hand, his last client of the day does not give him that same hope. Landry Davis is a twenty-two year old oxycontin addict in medical school that doesn’t seem to even consider the idea of sobriety. He spends the entire session telling stories about parties he attended recently, and the girl he’s been sleeping with. Lucas doesn’t know why Landry comes to him at all, and spends the entire session fighting to get Landry to the correct topics.

As Lucas heads out of the office for the evening, he stops by Eloise’s desk. “Hey El,” he tiredly greets.

“Heading home?” Eloise smiles warmly before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Yeah, but I have a small favor to ask...” Lucas scratches at the underside of his chin. “Do you think you could take the girls to school in the morning? I’ve got to be in London in the afternoon, and I’ll have to head out before they get up...” he feels horrible for having to ask; has enjoyed being able to take care of every aspect of his life since getting his shit together.

Eloise scribbles a small note on her calendar about picking the girls up before looking up at Lucas again, “Oh! Sure, I can do that. Why are you going to London?”

“There’s a possibility of a new client,” Lucas waves his hand a little dismissively as he slings his bag over his chest. He’s not sure how much Eloise should know if privacy is Hale’s biggest concern.

A furrow settles between Eloise’s carefully crafted brows, but she doesn’t ask for more details, “Do I need to pick them up after school?”

“No, our neighbor brings them home,” Lucas taps on the counter. “Thanks Eloise. Call me if you have any problems,” he offers her a grateful smile as he heads out.

When he gets home, he beelines his way to Celeste’s room, “I need you to tell me about that band.”

Sitting on her bed with her laptop on her lap, Celeste merely narrows her eyes in suspicion, “Why?”

“They were just so... so great, and I’ve been thinking about them all day...” Lucas frowns at himself and Celeste snorts. “Okay, it’s for work. One of my clients is a huge fan, and I’m hoping I might be able to use them to get through to her,” he feigns a guilty look, and at least Celeste sort of buys that.

“Fine,” she gestures him over to the spot beside her on the bed before pulling up the Lilac Gents webpage for him to see. “Do I need to tell you their names again?” her tone is condescending just like her expression.

With a small laugh, Lucas nods, and settles in.

“Yeah, yeah,” Celeste rolls her eyes. “Henry Sweet is the frontman, but I’m pretty sure you at least know who he is. Then, there’s Zephan Mirza on the bass guitar. He’s a big partier, but they all kind of are,” she scrolls down to show Lucas a photograph of an olive skinned young man with sharp features, and raven hair that flops over his forehead.

Maybe he’s the one, Lucas nods intently.

“Graham Sempers is the keyboardist,” Celeste goes on to display a photo of a cheerful guy with curly brown hair that reminds Lucas of a younger Henry Sweet. “He joined the band like a year ago after he was scouted by Henry off one of those singing competition shows. Laine Pope is the drummer, and also handles a lot of the band’s promotional stuff,” she shows a photograph of Henry Sweet being tackled by a grinning young guy with honey colored hair styled back into a neatly shaped coif.

Probably not Pope, Lucas waits as Celeste pulls up one last photograph of a brightly smiling blonde haired guy with clear blue eyes cradling a guitar. That must be Hale.

“Lastly, Nicholas Hale. He plays the guitar,” Celeste shrugs. “They’re working on writing their next album right now and touring Europe.”

“What about relationships?” Lucas asks because he would like to know as much as he can, and heading into this situation without at least the basic details might leave him a little blindsided.

Narrowing her eyes in suspicion again, Celeste purses her lips.

“What? I’ve got to know the details... for my client,” Lucas reasons.

“Right, whatever,” Celeste shrugs. “Graham is dating some unknown guy, the situation is all very hush-hush. Nicholas, and Laine aren’t dating anyone. Then with Henry and Zephan, it’s hard to say because there’s rumors with all kinds of people. Henry and Kendall Jenner... Henry and Taylor Swift... Zephan and Perrie Edwards... Zephan and Gigi Hadid... Zephan and Nicholas... Henry and Zephan... Henry and Greg James that guy from Radio One... Zephan and Princess Beatrice... Henry and a flight attendant...” she rambles on with a bored tone.

Oh God, Lucas squints. He should have brought in a notepad or a tape recorder. “Sounds like Fleetwood...” he starts, but Celeste is rolling her eyes before he’s even finished.

“Need anything else? I’ve got homework to pretend to do,” Celeste deadpans.

“No, thanks Celeste,” Lucas flicks her forehead as he gets up. “And, do your homework, please. Eloise will be taking the lot of you to school in the morning. I am not above asking her to make sure you did your work.”

Kicking her door shut after him, Celeste calls, “Hush!”

With a tired smile, Lucas checks on his youngest sister, Fallon, before showering, and crawling into bed.