FINDING HER

Tick tock tick tock tick tock, 11:42 am we are at Saint Richards’s hospital. It has been now seven months and four days that my husband has been in one of these beds. He is surrounded in a room with four white walls. A television that he has no use for food that not evens a cat would eat. My husband has stage four leukemia cancers. We found out the news about one year ago, I remember the day we found out he thought he was going to die at that very moment. My husband a strong individual a confident man the man that never got scared of a single thing was crying into my shoulders afraid of the idea of death. Me and my husband are a small family just us and our son. Unfortunally my son can’t be with us at these moments because and I quote “I have better things to do, and it’s not like he really needs us both their mom”.

“Mona your day dreaming again. What’s on your mind my sweet Mona?”

“Honestly Bekim I don’t even know what I’m thinking about. There are so many thoughts that are going through my head that no words can describe them. He is not here and I know that you would really want to see your son especially as your condition is getting worse. And only god knows how much it pains me to see you like this. It should have been me here and not you. The good guy never dies remember.”

“You know my beautiful wife that in the beginning I was very scared. I could not even coop with the idea of me having cancer let alone being able to fight it for as long as I have. I have lived an adventures life and there is no doubt of that. I had an amazing wife to share my best times with. And a son that I am so proud of.”

“He does take after his mother.”

“She was an amazing woman, now she deserved to live a long and wonderful life. But god had other plans for us my dear. With her passing two knew hearts had connected. And my son was not left without a mother. You know how grateful I am that you became his mother right?”

“It never has to be said between us love. I am the one that will forever be in depth to you and to Maria. I went from a hospital patient to a home worker, and then into your wife.”

“I hope you didn’t forget how you went into a jail mate a traveler and an owner of an amazing bakery.”

“You will never let me live down that will you. Lord how I wish I could of changed my past.”

“Without your past you wouldn’t be the strong and smart women in front of me.”

“Its nice reminiscing with you Bekim, you are the only of that understands me.”

“That’s because I lived with you, I saw what was happening and I could not allow you to go through more pain then the pain that was caused upon you.”

“Please don’t make me think of the past, its pain that I wish to forget about.”

“She will never go away you know that right?”

“Bekim my loving husband of many years now I swear to you if you don’t stop now I will personally come over there and stuff that pillow in your face.”

“Ha ha okay truce donk kill me.”

“Now then how are you feeling love, what can I get you?”

“Do you really want to know what I want?”

“Yes of course.”

“I want you to go home take a shower get changed. Go down to the bakery work a bit make yourself busy. And then later on come by here give me a kiss tell me how much you love me.”

“I don’t want to leave just yet.”

“You need to live your life. I don’t want any excuses, when Maria had past I thought that the world it’s self-had stopped roaming. Later I figured that it was me that had stopped living and that was not fare to my son or you. I know that she is waiting for me. But you need to promise me that even after I pass you will not stop living. You will live your life to the fullest because I promise you that if you don’t I will haunt that beautiful little body of yours.”

“Only you could make that speech funny at the end ha-ha. I promise that I will try my best. I love you Bekim.”

With that I walked over to my husbands bed looked at him and I mean really looked at him and took in each line on his face every grey hair that was growing on his head. His beautiful smile the way his eyes would bright up every time he smiles. I kissed my husband and headed out the door. Every time I leave this hospital I feel like I am leaving for the last time. I knew what Bekim was saying was correct but honestly I would not know how to coop with his loss. Beside every strong woman there is a strong man. Me and Bekim we are the best team there can ever be. As I’m riding down the fourth floor on the elevator to head out of the hospital my phone rings.

“Hey mom where are you?”

“Just heading out from your dads, what about you.”

“Sounds good, I’m here with”

“Don’t even finish that sentence, if you are going to tell me that the reason you did not come to visit your father was because you were out with another girl. I will probably scream my head off.”

“Well would you rather I lie to you?”

“Listen I am going home and will back at the hospital in a few hours. I expect you to be there before I do. Because if you’re not I will come and find you and I promise to drag your body to that hospital. You and I both know that any day could be his last day. Don’t miss out being with your father for some random girl.”

“Mom she’s not random why won’t you let me explain.”

“Melos do I make myself clear.”

“Yes mam I’ll be there. Bye I love you.”

“I love you sweet boy.”

With that conversation being over I turn on my engine and start driving home. I hate daytime traffic even though the route from my house to the hospital is less than half an hour when traffic appears it feels like eternity. I should just go home relax a bit makes something to eat for all three of us and head back to the hospital. I turn on my radio and nothing seems to really set me in a good mood. So then I put one of my own cds from back home. A good Albanian folk song always got my spirits up. Living almost twenty years in America sometimes I forget that my origin is Albanian. I came from one of the poorest villages and grew up in what people now days like to call orphanages. But back in my day there was no such thing you either lived alone or with people that took pity upon you. I had the pleasure of living both those lives. But everything had changed when I had met Maria and Bekim. Those two were sent from god himself. A good forty minutes later I am barked outside my luxury’s apartment building. Getting my things and heading out of the car and into the building I bump into one of my neighbors. A sweet old lady that has lived in this area more than many others. She looks like one of those elderly dolls that look absolute beautiful.

“Ah dear you finally came back how is he?”

“He’s fine Mrs. Baily thank you, how are you this fine day?”

“I’m fine dear, you know Mona for as long as I have known you I have never seen this face upon you. Please come sit with me by these chairs tell me what bothers you.”

I don’t know what it is about this lady but anytime she speaks to me it is like there is a pull that brings me closer to her and I can never deny myself to opening up to her. So I take my seat across from Mrs. Baily and start saying everything that has been bottled up inside me.

“I don’t know where to even start.”

“Start where it hurts most.”

“I’m not ready to let him go Mrs. Baily; Bekim is my everything he is my rock. And without him I don’t know if I can manage to maintain the life style that we have.”

“That is not what you are most afraid of my dear.”

“I guess you’re right, what I really am scared of is that I am going to be losing my friend. He is more to me then a husband you know. He was my best friend, my brother, my father her is my everything. And I am afraid that without him here who will be there for me.”

“You have Melos.”

“That boy has forgotten about me Mrs. Baily, I can guarantee you that. He now only thinks about which girl he will have next or how fast he can get out of the house so he won’t have to spend any time with me or his father.”

“He is very young Mona what do you really expect of him.”

“At his age I was fighting for my life, his father and mother had already had a child. I don’t think he will ever really understand what Bekim had to go through to bring this boy into this country so he could have a better life.”

“Oh Mona our children will only understand us when we have passed away you remember these words of this old lady.”

“I just want time to go see his father to let them have these last few moments alone.”

“What if he can’t handle the pain of seeing his dad die right in front of his eyes and he knows he can’t do anything about it.”

“If I could get my parents one more time honest to god I wouldn’t lose the chance.”

“Not everyone is the same my love. Now is that all on your mind.”

“For now yes thank you Mrs. Baily you always make me feel better after we talk. I must go now though.”

I get up and head for the elevator when I hear Mrs. Baily say

“Wait there was a girl earlier on today Mona, she was looking for you.”

“A girl sounds interesting; did she by any chance happen to leave her name?”

“Yes my dear but honestly I do not remember it I am sorry.”

“No worries if it was important then she shall come again, good bye Mrs. Baily.”

Finally reaching the 15 floor I head out and go straight into my apartment. I love my home not only because it is mine but because it had that wonderful home smell and feel every time you step into it. A lovely three bedroom with a den and two bathrooms, I would have to say that our apartment is to die for. Just two years ago we had gotten marble flooring and a new coat of paint on the walls a lovely rose color. Melos had said that this had become more like a spa then a home. I laughed and said “when did you ever go into a spa?’. Heading into my own suit bathroom I decide to take a long bath and clear my thoughts out. It’s funny thinking how Mona from the country came to be Mona living in one of the largest cities in the US. After my bath and preparing our dinner for later on I headed down once again to my bakery. I never thought I could become a business owner but Bekim had pushed me to get my license and pursue my dreams. The area where my store is located is right outside our apartment. When the owner of the building had told us all that there would be renovations done around our lovely building and that if we had any suggestions we should not be shy to speak out or forever hold our peace. All I knew was a week later I am in front of the bakery and Bekim hands me plans of construction on how my new bakery will look like. And now for seven years running I own one of the sweetest bakery’s in town. As I step in I look around florescent lighting all around chairs made of crystal surrounded the place. Tables that looked impossibly not stable but could hold any drink or plate put on top of it. And on my other side the smell of bread and pies, cakes and many more filled your lungs. I had decided to not make prices to high because I wanted my place to be a friendly and warm place. Where you did not have to worry if you had enough change for a coffee and to take the subway. My workers on the other hand are some very loyal people. They have stood by me for the good and the worst of this bakery’s life. And I am grateful to have met such amazing people. I do my thing around the bakery, check supplies talk to my workers talk to the costumers. This make me feel so involved without me actually doing a lot of the work. Looking at my watch and it has already become 5:45 pm. I gather all the food that I had packed and head back to the hospital. Lucky me this was a quick drive and after parking I head on in go to the fourth floor. As I turn to my right I see nurses walking out of my husband’s room tears running from their eyes. I walk a bit faster as I am about to step in a cold wind passes by me. I look around but the bed where my Bekim lays only a few hours ago was now an empty new white bed. My mind knew what was happening but my heart would not take it. I turn to the doctor that has been speaking to me this whole time and has noticed that I had zoned out.

“Mrs. Berisha I am so sorry for your loss.”

“No doctor no this can’t be true, doctor please I beg of you tell me this is a trick. That my husband is playing on me doctor please.”

As I beg this doctor the tears from my eyes are not coming any slower. I now am on my knees crying but I don’t even hear my own voice. I look around but see nothing. I can’t feel anything I can’t understand on how this happened; I don’t want to understand on how this happened. I turn my head up and ask the doctor.

“When did he leave us and how?”

“Over twenty minutes ago, I truly am sorry for your loss Mrs. Berisha.”

“Did you know he was going to pass so quickly?”

“I don’t want to say this but Mr. Berisha had told me earlier on today that he was not feeling himself. He had made one last wish upon me and I had to follow it.”

“And that was?”

“To not tell you of his passing until you came and found out for yourself. He did not want to ruin your last day together.”

As I stand up from the hospital floor I look the doctor in the eye and have so much to say to him but nothing is coming out of my mouth. I leaned in to him instead and he confronted me with a hug. I don’t know how long I stay in that position but after words the doctor helped me out of the room and sat me down in one of the waiting chairs.

“Mrs.Berisha we need to discuss what you would like to do with the body. If you like we can go to the morgue now and see your husband.”

“Doctor if it’s okay I would like to wait until Melos joins me. I don’t think I can go in there alone.”

“As you wish, but I suggest you call your son now rather than later.”

With that our doctor started walking away and again I do not know what to do. How do I tell our son that his father had just passed away? How do I make that phone call? Do I go and get him do I wait for him to come. I’m looking left to right but the answer is not coming from nowhere.

“Why did you go without saying goodbye? You knew that today would be your last ay but you didn’t tell me. That is not fair to me Bekim why didn’t you tell me that today would be the last time I got to see my best friend.”

I took my phone out of my purse and started dialing Melos number and after a few rings he decides to pick up.

“Hey mom I should be there real soon, I’m sorry I know I’m late I just caught up in something real important.”

“Melos unless you were dying my dear son there was nothing more important then you coming here.”

“Mom calm down I told you I will be there soon I’m just with”

“MELOS no I will not raise my voice. I’m sorry son but we lost your father today. So if you can see it in your busy plans with whatever girl you are with at the very moment and come here so we may see your father for the last time, well that would mean a lot to me.”

I hung up my phone I could not wait for his response maybe that was not the way to handle telling him the news but I was mad. That our son decided that some girl was more important than his own family. As I sat and waited I start to remember our earlier days before coming to America. Bekim was a police officer in Albania and one of the best if I may add. When we had moved here he worked on the force for eleven years and after a tragic accident my husband had to leave the force. That really had put him in a bad depression because for his whole life the only thing he knew to do was police work. After a year of therapy my husband decided to in roll in opening a shelter for abused women. He told me that he still wanted to help women even if he could not do it in uniform. It started with one shelter to many across the world. My husband knew many people and had great connections. I can’t believe that he has passed at such a young age he was only forty five. As for me I am forty three years old, but I don’t feel this age. If someone asked me I would tell them that I feel like I’m twenty again. Twenty-four years I spent with my husband but it feels so much shorter. I look at my watch and some time has passed, I’m just worried that Melos won’t show up. As I stretch my neck I can hear his voice down the hall. I see him running and as he is about to pass me he hauls to a stop, right in front of me. His face so broken that I wish I would have never had to of seen it. He looked so much like his father tall fit young man. Beautiful hazel eyes and curly black hair. For each curl on his head I would give my life. He is not the same little boy that I met twenty four years ago; I had first met Melos when he was two years old. And started being known as his mother after a few years. He always knew I was not his biological mother but never did he treat me any less. He has shown me love like I for him. We both have this bond that no one could ever break. But now I am afraid that I am losing my baby boy. Some might say it is weird for a twenty six year old to still live at home, but I say the longer I can have my son around the better. He is neither a lazy man nor a man that cannot live on his own. My son owns a pet shop near by our home and is very successful. A mother and father could not be more proud then to have a son as great as my own.

“Mom did we really lose him?”

I am looking at him but I don’t see my grown up son, I see my little baby. And it kills me to confront him on his father’s passing. How does a mother take away the pain of her child, I never really knew the answer to that question.

“Take my hand my sweet boy.”

“Mom how can I see him, mom I’m not ready, mom please tell me he didn’t leave us.”

I take my sons arms and wrap them around me and hug him tight. As tight as humanly possible, I want him to know that I am here for him. I stroke his head and feel his tears run down my shirt. Melos never truly cried but when he did his tears were silent. He did not want to worry people. I picked up my purse and hand in hand me and Melos walked down the hall and got to the elevator. We went on the floor where the morgue was and waited for a nurse to let us in. the nurse asked for Bekims name then helped us inside, when my husband’s body was being open from what I call them “drawers” I saw his body. A white pale man was in front of me. I did not know this man, he was not my Bekim. All life was vanished from his skin. I stood near him and cried I touched his face and said my prayers. After I decided to step back and let Melos have a moment with his father, seeing my son look at his dececed father was not a pretty picture. I could hear my son whimper asking him why he had left us, asking if he had forgiven Melos for not being there. I know that from this day on my son will always feel guilt upon himself. He will feel guilt for choosing a female instead of his family and I cannot do anything to take that guilt away.

“Nurse we will be preparing the funeral arrangements, and wanted to know how long we can keep my husband here.”

“Well as soon as you have your arrangements figured out, you may send people from the funeral home to come and pick up your husband Mrs.Berisha.”

“Thank you.”

“Melos lets go dear we have a funeral to prepare for.”

With that I and my son headed out of the room to the elevator and out of the hospital. I was clutching on to the food that I had prepared for us all to eat so close to my chest that I am surprised it has not spilled out yet.

“What you got there mom?”

“This was our dinner for tonight Melos.”

“Well then we better go on home and eat our food.”

“Are you serious?”

“I have never been more serious in my life mom. Dad would have wanted us to go home and eat this wonderful food and not go home and cry our eyes out.”

I shook my head and said nothing to him comments. After getting in we drove home in silence. Finally reaching our house Melos got out and started walking inside as I stayed there still in my car. I could not bring myself to get out of this car what so ever. If only I had stayed at the hospital today then I would have been there for my husband’s last breaths. But no I came home took my sweet time talking to an old women that helped me with nothing. Took a long bath where as my husband was fighting for his life. Then I decided to visit my bakery, in those moments he must have needed me the most but no I decided to be at my bakery worrying about the supplies for our kitchen. I feel horrible and only god knows this, I know Melos feels guilt but so do I .After what felt like an hour I stepped out of my car and started heading towards the building. Reaching my floor and stepping I see Melos on the phone. Now I am not a person that likes to eavesdrop but when I heard this conversation I had no other choice.

“He didn’t look like my dad; I can’t believe that I lost him today. I’m so grateful that I have you though. I don’t think I could get over his death if I didn’t have you. I know my mom is here but she has her own grief to get over. I love you.”

My son my sweet boy saying to this random girl that he is grateful that he has her actually hurt me. I should be enough for him not a girl he met yesterday. I decided to make my presence clear and as Melos saw me he turned off his phone and started placing the food on the table.

“I’m going out soon, will you be okay?”

“Will I be okay? No I will not, do you want to know what will make me feel okay? My son staying home with me the first night after his father’s passing.”

“Mom we need to get used to his passing.”

“Listen here and listen well I have hated playing the mom card over the years that is why I have chosen to let you live a sly life. But tonight I am not asking you I am telling you as your mother that you will stay home with me. Not just tonight but for as long as we need each other you will stay in this house.”

“I know you heard my conversation mom, but you can’t force me to stay in this house.”

“I won’t speak again.”

“Stop acting like my mother, you did not give birth to me.”

“I might have not birthed you but I sure as hell have raised you. With and without the help of your mother and father. You should be ashamed of yourself of saying these words to me. Your father would not be proud of you.”

“Say what you want I am going out and that is final.”

With that he got up from the table got his car keys and started to head out the door. I don’t know what happened to me but in that split second I grabbed the table cloth and yanked everything of the table. I let a scream out of me that I have been holding inside of me for some time now. All I saw was black; every memory of my life was being played back to me. I grabbed a glass and smacked it on the table so it would break and started pushing the sharp item close to my chest. As I was doing this I could feel Melos grabbing my hand away and yelling for me to stop. But I couldn’t I was in pain, and not just tonight’s death. But pain that I have had for over thirty years. Every struggle every loss every fight that I had went through. I was screaming and crying tonight for all those memories. SLAP, I felt a hand go across my face. I opened my eyes and saw Melos he held me tight on both sides of my arms.

“Mom I’m sorry please stop what you’re doing.”

“Why do you care I am not your mother remember.”

“Mom forgive your foolish son please, I should have not said those words. I am going to take you to the bathroom now and wash your face, and then lay you down to bed. I am going to clean this mess then I am going to come in and sleep beside my mother tonight and every other night that she will need me.”

Just like he said he washed my face helped me change my clothing and put me to bed. I lay there awake as I hear Melos telling this girl that he won’t be available for some time that he needs to deal with his family first. I felt bad that I made him cancel his plans really I do. But I needed my son now more than ever. And if that meant me becoming crazy women then I was okay with that. Finally my bedroom door open and Melos stepped in; he came into the bed and gave me a hug. Kissed my cheek and told me good night. For the first time in a long time I felt secure and happy. I said my prayers and I said my thank you to god. Tomorrow awaits us, many planning to do many people to call. Ah bekim you left us but how do we leave you.