Prologue
There is a time in every girl’s where she realizes that people suck. Now, I know what you are thinking. People do not suck, there is good people in the world! I understand that, I do. But, most people in the world are shitholes. Yes, there are the occasional good apple, but you know when you go to an apple tree, and there are a ton of gross, rotting apples at the base of the tree and all of the nice apples are at the top, so you have to actually climb the tree to get to them? That’s what humanity is. To find the good people, you actually have to look, and that just takes too much effort. So, back to my original statement. People suck. People suck ass. Major ass.
When was the time in my life when I realize people suck you may ask? I’ve known it all my life, because of my parents. My parent’s suck. My biological parents I mean, my adoptive dad’s are my best friends, but my biological parents suck. Not just because they abandoned me, didn’t want me, blah, blah, blah. But because they named me Edna. Fucking Edna, like I’m some sort of bitchy, old receptionist at a dentist office. So, my name is Ed, or Eddie, or Edeoxyribonucleic acid.
Another reason my parent’s suck is because of the genetic baggage they threw at me. Now I don’t mean asthma or hypothyroidism, though I do have that, fuck you mom, It’s something else. I’m a witch.
Woah, Woah, wait. Did she just say she’s a witch? Yes, I did, now shut up and let me explain. I was just as surprised as you are when my powers decided to crash my life when I started accidentally making thing explode when I got angry, and with a name like Edna, that happened a lot. That’s when two women arrived at my house, told me I was a witch and inducted me into their coven. Back then I thought that being a member of a coven would be awesome. I could learn spells and shit, make friends, conjure demons, shit like that. But, no! It’s nothing like that at all. Dreams officially crushed. A coven is more like a fucking bible camp where you sing Kumbaya and learn that witchcraft is bad. I was taught to hide my abilities. So I didn’t last long in the coven. Big surprise there.
I am what they would call a Black Witch, or a Dark Witch, which means that I practice black magic. The term black magic is a dumb one because that implies that the magic is bad, it is not bad, just powerful and has the potential to do harm. The coven members are called White Witches, witches who practice magic that has no potential to do harm, which means that the only magic they do is changing their hair colour and shit. I hated that. I like my appearance, I think I am hotter than a cast Iron fresh out of the oven, full of cheese and pasta and every good thing one could put in their body. That’s me, carbohydrates.
My magic runs more along the lines of truth potions, unlocking doors and defensive and offensive spells. The only catch is that those spells are powerful, and powerful spells require a familiar. That’s where Hank the Tank come in. Hank is my King Shepard and my baby. Nobody fucks with Hank, I mean, he would let them, but I wouldn’t. One time, a member of my old coven tried to dog-nap Hank to get me to rejoin the coven, and when I got my hands on her, well, let’s just say she is lucky I only paralysed her. Unfortunately, the coven didn’t take that well. So that’s why I’ve been living in Peru for the past year. Well, it isn’t the entire reason, I am actually on an excavation site, trying to learn about the Inca civilization and what brought about their extinction. Hank is having the time of his life. He doesn’t give a shit about the Incas, but he goes on a new adventure on Machu Pichu every day, so he is a happy dog. Me? I’m loving every second as well. This is my element. Touching, seeing, feeling. I hate being stuck in the back of a museum. Artefacts behind glass or under a microscope lose all their life, in my opinion. There is nothing more enchanting that walking through the ruins of once great civilizations. This feeling is why I became an archaeologist, and why I specialize in lost civilizations. Before I came to Peru, I was in Newfoundland, studying the Beothuk. Next? I’m heading to Mexico, to the Mayans.
That is enough background for one day, I think. Hello, My name is Ed Morgan, and I am a Black Witch, currently on a helicopter with my team and my dog. On our way to visit the Incas for the first time.
“Need some new panties, Ed? Or have you not orgasmed from excitement yet?”
“Fuck off Jason,” what a dick, I fucking hate Jason. There he is, being an ass, knowing I can’t do anything to him with our team leader, Mr Khan, right next to me. Well, nothing physical. This is why I study real magic, petty revenge like now, or in 5 minutes when we land.
Jason exited the chopper before me. It only took a single second before the whole team was laughing. Hank glared up at me. That wasn’t very nice. Damnit, I hate when he does this. You heard what he said to me, right? I was met with a snort. Shit. I was being scolded by my dog. I knew what I did was childish, but it was just so fun, I couldn’t help brushing past Jason.
“Nice panties, Jason, I never would have pegged you as a thong guy, I would have guessed briefs.” I can’t contain my smile as I walk to the huddle of tents, my duffel slung over my shoulder. Because Machu Pichu is so high up, and the Inca ruins are right at the top, Mr Khan thought it would be best if we tented up there, which would help us adjust to the air pressure too, we would go back down to the village occasionally, but I won’t, Hank doesn’t enjoy dealing with the change in air pressure constantly, so for the next three weeks, I am staying on this mountain. This is going to be great.
intrestung