Prologue
1989
Valeria
I am bored. Mummy and Daddy are making funny noises in the bedroom.
My toys are in there.
I have nothing to play with and Mummy and Daddy locked their door. I want to play with them. I’m bored.
I sigh and shuffle towards the TV. A weird show is on. There’s a person on the floor with red stuff all over them. It looks like the blood that leaves my leg when I cut it. Is the person bleeding?
I huff and plop down onto the floor. The floor is soft but itchy. I think Daddy calls it car-pet. I like that word. It has a car and a pet in it. Car-pet. Why is this soft but itchy floor called a car-pet? It’s not a car, it’s not a pet, and it’s not a pet in a car.
I look towards Mummy and Daddy’s door; still locked and still has funny noises coming out of it. I frown; I really want to ask my question. I bite my lip as I think. Would I get in trouble for knocking? It’s a really important question.
Getting up, I walk to the pale door. It’s a boring door. It’s white. My door is bright bright bright bright pink. Mummy and Daddy are boring. But then they can be fun. They’re boringly fun.
I raise my tiny hand and go to knock but suddenly I hurt. My back burns, is it on fire? I cry out softly and back away from the pale boring door, breathing heavily. Why does my back hurt so much? Tears roll down my cheeks and I sob loudly.
The pain grows and grows until it gets too much and I scream, falling to the cold hard floor and curling into a little ball. It hurts so much and I feel like my skin is tearing apart.
I look down at myself and notice blood dripping onto the tiled floor. I scream - loudly.
I clutch my head and pull at my black hair, screaming and crying. I hear the lock on the door twist and Mummy and Daddy come rushing out. Mummy gasps and cries out, reaching for me. She looks scared, but Daddy just looks frozen.
I bury my head into my Mummy’s neck, curling into her as I cry and scream with the burning pain spreading through my entire body, centred at my back. I clutch on to Mummy; Mummy always makes things better. She stops everything from hurting with her Mummy touch and makes everything bearable again.
But not this time.
Her touch and her hugs and kisses and soothing words aren’t helping at all. The pain won’t go away.
“It hurts so much Mummy,” I sob. “Make it go away, please Mummy you have to make it go away.”
Suddenly Mummy is crying too. Sometimes her eyes will leak a drop of tears or two whenever I get hurt in any shape or form but this time is different. Mummy is sobbing too. She clutches at me and holds me tight, crying and balling her eyes out as she holds me close. She looks scared and confused; frightened. It makes me cry even more, because I realise that Mummy doesn’t know how to fix me. Whenever I’m broken she somehow put me back together again, she makes everything better. She helps me, she solves my problems, holds my hand and never lets go. When I’m hurt she patches me back up again and kisses me on the head, telling me she loves me and will always be there for me when I can’t fix something; she’ll always be there to fix it for me. But she can’t fix this. She doesn’t know what’s wrong, when she always has. Mummy can’t fix me.
I sob louder, for the first time in my life feeling alone and truly terrified. I don’t have Mummy to hold to this time. She can’t help me.
I look up at Daddy and see him on the phone, crying and yelling at someone for help.
But if Mummy can’t help me, then no one can. For the first time in my life, I think I am going to die.
And so I clutch onto Mummy tighter than ever and cry, thinking that if I am going to die, then all I want is my Mummy there to hold me close and never let go.
“Everything will be okay sweetheart, I promise,” Mummy sobs in my ear.
Feeling pain like no other soar through my body, I cry and close my eyes.
“Please, don’t ever leave me,” I whisper.
“I won’t baby. I promise you, I will always be here for you. I won’t leave your side once,” she cries in my ear, squeezing me slightly and kissing me on the forehead. “I love you, Valeria.”
“I love you Mummy.”
