Chapter 1
November 10th, 2006. Winter Hollow, British Columbia.
I have always been alone. I had no family to cherish or to hug. I would wander the streets of every city or town I was placed in and would watch as the happy families would embrace one another, and smile and be with one another when they needed each other. But that was not meant to be for me I suppose. I always wanted that. Deep down, I so wished that I would be on the receiving end of that hope, however, no matter how hard I prayed or wished, It never happened. The families that I was placed in seemed to begin in sort of a happy light, but all too soon, that light would diminish and totally disappear and I would be instead on the receiving end of a hellish nightmare.
No matter how many times, I tried to escape..., those thoughts though, they all came running back to me. I would escape sometimes from those homes. However, as I was still underage, I could not hide as much as I wanted too, for I was hauled away from any place that I found that I thought I would be safe. Unfortunately, my hiding places were always discovered by the police and I would be dragged back once again against my will! That is when the trouble would begin. The beatings and the threats never ended. I was reminded repeatedly that my fate of being an unwanted child was something I would never be able to escape. How even the thought of receiving any form of love would backfire and I would land once again in self-pity and despair.
But no matter my circumstances I vowed to myself that I would never allow those feelings of rejection to beat out my hopes of finding some form of hope..., and maybe love.
After I turned fourteen, however, my life changed. I was placed in the home of an elderly woman, who wanted a companion rather than a daughter. I was grateful for the generosity she shared with me regardless of our situation, and I came to care for her, and secretly I called her Nana. She couldn’t hear me most of the time, so the secret of my love that I had for her, became my secret to keep. After four years living with her, I went out one morning and went to the municipal office and registered myself to carry her last name... I chose a home for myself, and no one was going to take that away from me.
However, I wasn’t counting on illness to take her away. It came out of the blue and knocked me out figuratively. I was so happy to share the news with her, about my personal decision. I wanted her to become my legal parent. I wanted her love. That I rushed home with the certificate in my hand determined to show her. I walked through the front door and I called out her name. I knew she couldn’t hear me, but it felt safe and nice to call her Mama. When I got no answer, I was filled with a relentless urge to search..., to find her.
“Mama!” I called. I was just walking towards the stairs that led to the second floor when I heard a moan. I turned the corner and looked into her craft room, that is when I saw her. She collapsed, and could not move. I bent down to the floor and very carefully turned her over.
“Mama?” I whispered to her lovingly as tears ran down my face.
She moaned again and opened her eyes with difficulty. She tried to speak, but I silenced her. She brushed my hand aside, and pointed to a small wooden box, that she kept with her at all times. I looked towards it and silently asked if she wanted me to get it. She nodded her head and sighed heavily. I left her momentarily to get it, then I returned to her side. I lifted the lid, and what I saw brought more tears to my eyes, for within was the deed of the house and all of her possessions, and she put them all in my name. There was also the few pictures that she had taken that I was unaware of, as well as some art pieces that I had given her throughout the years, I was stunned that she kept them all.
But what really made me realize was that she loved me, was a letter that was addressed to me. I unfolded the paper carefully and began reading the letter out loud.
“My Darling Sarah .
Know that I have always loved you, no matter how much you tried to keep to yourself. It broke my heart, when I saw you for the first time, as the social worker placed you into my care. But what the social worker told you of my circumstances in taking you in were a lie..., I didn’t need a companion. I needed and wanted a daughter, someone to love. It had been too lonely living by myself, seeing my girlfriends and their grandchildren, and how happy they were. So when I got the call that you were arriving here in Winter Hollow, I was overjoyed that I too would be able to join in with them and share with them, that I would have a grandchild to love as well. I know that it was a little rocky at first, as we had to develop a relationship, a sort of bond. I knew that it would happen, I just had to have faith. What I haven’t told you all these years was that I was slowly dying. My Heart had been failing me for that last few years, I hid this fact from the social worker, as I did not want to lose the chance to have someone I could care about. I didn’t want to hurt you, child. I didn’t want to bring up all those painful memories of abandonment again, so I hid my illness from you as well. You have brought me an endless amount of joy and happiness into my life and I am so glad that you made the decision to adopt me. You are probably thinking how I knew that before you even made that decision; But know that I embrace it. It may have seemed that I was senile and partially deaf, but that was a deception on my part, I could hear you fine, my love.
I was over-joyed when I heard you call me Mama for the first time. You are nearing your nineteenth birthday and I am so proud of you and your career choice, I always knew that you could accomplish anything you put your heart to. Becoming a Doctor and treating children who need love, has made me the happiest woman alive. Before I go and allow my body to rest from this endless amount of pain, I want to give you a small amount of advice...,
Never be afraid of love. Embrace it. And allow it to enter your life and your heart. Only when you part the drapes of uncertainty, will you ever see what you’re made of. My darling, you have a heart of gold. Cherish it forever.
Love, Irene Croften.
Ps. Please know that you will always be in my heart, and I will always be in yours.
When I finished reading it, I looked down and sighed, She had a smile on her face and no more breath came out of her, My beloved Mama, had passed away in peace. I leaned down and brushed a soft kiss to her cheek and forehead as I whispered..., ” I Love You. Mama.”
