It was summer time. The sun was a glowing neon light, the warmth radiating of it was even more powerful. The soft feel of the green grass, which tangled around my skin, felt amazing as my body lay there. No experience had ever felt like this, it was liberty, the kind I've always ever wanted and now it was true. I took myself elsewhere. The place I've always wanted to go. The sea. No happiness like this have i ever had. Gazing out to the crystal blue waves crashing and sliding into one another, returning its path back to my feet, to get that fresh tingly feeling was my therapy. no one knew it, but this was the only way to make me feel alive. I noticed how the waves were being pulled out again, i took a step forwards and watched how they headed back to me, i was in deeper this time, i waited for the hit, i waited, only centimeters away, i was about feel, what i had always wanted, it seemed so real. Mumbles of my name were taking my attention away, even if i was trying everything to ignore it. It was as if time stopped, i couldn't see anyone, yet voices were manically bouncing around in my mind. The water was at the end of my finger tips but yet so far away, i couldn't move, i was frozen. The voices were louder now, sending everything i had wanted into a big black, non-existent hole.
"Emily ! can you hear me? Emily, honey !" my mum had one arm gently clasped around my shoulder, giving it small nudges. she had bent down, now giving a close proximity between our faces. concern was written all over her face, with her eyebrows furrowed. now taking in the scenery, it displeases me, what i had just imagined was everything but reality, it was a dream at best. the smell of disinfectant and the number of wires hooking be up to multiple machines was just a reminder of how that could never happen in real life.
"Emily honey, do you want something to eat? are you hungry? are you cold? i can get you a bl-"
"mum" i try mumble over her manic behavior. Nothing could change the way my mum was, i wasn't planning to either, i had to adapt to it just like i did to my life, but i'm not agreeing that its not tiring, it is. my lifeless body doesn't need anymore damage. But she will never stop worring, caring, protecting, after everything shes gone through i don't blame her, i know she doesn't want to make the same mistake with me, that she did with dad. but the world isn't up to her, not up to me or my dad, what ever will happen and has happened is because it was meant too.
"ah Emily your awake! how are we feeling today ?" walking in, doctor Wilson asks as if we were in this together, 'we' ?, he doesnt know what my life is like, he may know what my disease is, but he sure doesnt know how its effecting peoples life. He will never understand me, no one can.
i'm hopeless ...
