What is your opinion?
Great idea, great pacing, not-so-great technical
"I am not the most sugary reviewer in the world (I have done this before on another writing website, so that's how I know :P ), so I apologize in advance. I have read this story several times and I must say that I really enjoy the story. The characters are realistic, the pacing is good, and I believe that this has potential to be a bestseller, if you work on your technical skills. It's not like I dislike your style - in fact, I love it a lot. It's not too unique, but it's unique enough that it's not like reading yet another Veronica Roth copycat - it's that there are a few things technique and style-wise that you could work on. I will use the first chapter as an example. I won't do two of the same example to save time. "The mother sighed and told her son no. That she only had time to get coffee." - this is one of many examples of two sentences that should be joined together with either a semicolon or a dash to prevent fragments. https://sentencechecker.com/ <- this is a website that I use whenever I want to check for fragments and such. It's not the best, but I haven't found any better. You could probably find someone to get all of the fragments for you though :) "It was obvious she had the money..." - How was it obvious? Did she have a Prada, or the "Let-Me-See-The-Manager" haircut? Show, don't tell. That is probably the weakest part in your writing style; that you don't show. Sometimes, you do, but not much. "'That's five-fifty, ma'am.'" - YES YES YES. Never use the dollar sign unless it's on a sign or something. You did great with that! So many professional writers don't do this, and you did! YES. "Gram came storming through at this time..." - you have a tendency to have unneeded words in your sentences (so do I. I'm quite the hypocrite, I know). "At this time" isn't needed. "Shaking her head she set the cake down on a counter behind me..." - you need a comma after "head". Maybe get a teacher or a friend to look over your draft for misused or missing commas, since you have quite a few of them. "Borderlands 2 like..." - first off, you need a dash between "2" and "like". Don't ask me why; English grammar is weird. But what is Borderlands 2??? I don't know what that is, so some of your readers might not either. What I would do is describe what it would look like. Are there gears and cool rust paint, or is it full of lace and sugar flowers? DESCRIPTION is key. Not just allusions to video games (which is what I'm assuming it is. It sounds like one, anyway). "... the boy was politer" - politer is not a word (well, it might be, but it's used awkward here). I think you mean "more polite". You do this very little, but it does happen. Then again, this is dialogue, so you could put something after like "Gram shook her head at the bad grammar" to make the MC more realistic. Not every person uses perfect grammar! A side note: your dialogue punctuation isn't great. I recommend going to the website that I'm linking for help on it. http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/ Along with fragments, you have a few run-on sentences. For example: "Gram only chuckled and came over to help me work on the cake after grabbing icing as the bell above the bakery door rang." Instead, it should go something like this: "Gram chuckled and came over to help me work on the cake. She was grabbing some icing as the bell above the bakery door rang." (I'm assuming that you're a fan of P!ATD. So am I ;) ) Yes, you can put sprinkles on cake. Put sprinkles on everything. It gives it BLING. One last thing - as an Easter Egg, it's possible to give the boy a sweet tart instead of a croissant (AHHHHHHH I COULDA DROPPED MA CROISSANT) to help with the title and the flow or whatever. Ah, well. You don't have to take my advice. You do you. :) raginglesbo out! ~~~"
Tarts
"The start of this book is brilliant, it really draws your attention and takes you into the flow of this story, it is one of the most well written books i have ever read the describing words fit perfectly, cant wait to read more! xxx"
Good start, has potential
"There is an interesting plot hidden within this read. Grammar is okay, though I myself am no expert. I think there can be some improvements there, mainly with the tense. It seemed to change at times. Example - She wanted me to icing it and noticed the little boy munching on the croissant. Shaking her head down she set the cake down on a counter behind me and I got to work. I would try something like this. She sat the cake down on the counter behind me, where it would wait for me to place the icing on it. She glanced over her shoulder at me, then her gaze caught the boy munching on the pastry. Looks like I’ve been caught again, I thought to myself as she shook her head disapprovingly at me. Overall there isn’t too much to go on for plot at this time, as this is the first chapter. I do think there is a lot of potential here because the author has clearly put a lot of effort into the piece. The author is also great at descriptions and giving backstory. I am interested in reading the next chapter to see what happened to the protagonist. Keep it up, I think as you write you will improve. You can always edit later once you get a chunk of your story written. "
