Chapter 1
So as I am sitting here drinking hot cocoa with marshmallows and trying to lick chocolatey foam from my upper lip and am coming up with questions.
Let me start with some basic info about me. Holo! I am a 15 year old little. My term of little is for little regressor or age regressor. Look up cglre and get a basic definition in the urban dictionary. Anyway, I have a platonic caregiver and I have been best friends with her for 9 years. I have another friend I have know for 9 years and she is what helped me figure out I was a little. Let me explain.
So, I one day found the BDSM world. Now, since I am underage I have in no way indulged in any of these activities, or in any sextual activity consensualy before, so I am definitely no considered part of the community, but I do take an interest and once I am legally of age do plan on trying things out.
Anyway, since I am into BDSM in a research way I would always talk to my two closest friends, the ones I mentioned earlier, about it.
So, one night around a month or two ago I was on the couch in the living room with my friend who is a little, we are gonna call her birdie since she reminds me of a bird. So we were chilling and I was in the mood to just search up a list of kinks you have never heard of post. I was reading them and somewhere in there was cgl, or caregiver/little. I read the description and birdie said it sounded a lot like her, but that she thought that it wasn't a kink. I agreed since she did regress but it was never sexually.
So, I decided to do a LOT of research and was really confused on what to think. In some places I would see that being a little is not a kink while in other placed it said it definitely was. I was starting to get overwhelmed before I saw a comment in one of the pages I was looking on commenting that being in the cgl community was a kink, but being in the cglre community was not.
I was confused again since I had never known they were separate. I looked up definitions and watched videos explaining the differences and I finally understood that birdie was a little in the cglre community. I literally did all that research to understand her and what was going on. I didn't think that I was part of it before birdie and my other friend of nine years, we are gonna call her bubbles, stated that I definitely was a little regressor. I was in major denial saying I wasn't, even though I 100% was and am a little, I have been for two years before finding out the name!
I guess you could say I was just afraid of people finding out and judging me for it, like I had control over the matter. So, I tried getting control over it for two years now. My two friends are really the only ones that know that I am a little, and they don't know about what i'm going to say.
I, over these two years, have learned to hold back from going into little space. I sometimes go into middle space, what I like to call it, when I am about to slip which makes me hold back. Now, even when I have my caregiver bubbles and my little friend birdie I still hold back a lot. When I hold back I get headaches, I get tired, I get moody, and I am just irritated with everybody and everything.
Of course they see me acting this way since I am usually really hyper, talkative, and bright all together as they like to say. I just tell them, or they assume, that I am tired. Which isn't a 100% lie since I do get tired when I hold back. It just takes a toll on me mentally.
Now, I like to ump randomly when talking and writing so if you are gonna continue reading my updates then please don't get annoyed by it.
One thing I want is to be in a romantic relationship with my caregiver. Not bubbles, but I want to start dating someone and tell them I am a little and I want them to want to be my caregiver. Now, the reason I say caregiver in general instead of mommy or daddy is because I am pan. So I don't care about what you have as long as I love you and you love me.
Anyway, I am scared to tell the one I like or am dating that I am a little. I also dread having to explain everything to them. I feel like they would think I am disgusting and then they would leave me and tell everyone and everyone will think of me as disgusting. I know I am looking at it in the worst way, but it really horrifies me.
Soooooo.... my parents don't know...... anything. They don't know I am pan, they don't know that my girlfriend for 3 months just broke up with me but we are still kinda in a relationship? Idk. They don't know i'm little, and they definitely don't know that I am interested in the BDSM community. So, that makes it easy to live at home.....yeaaaaaaa.
I basically got everything out for now. If you have any questions please ask me in the comments. I am thinking of making my next chapter me asking questions that I am still confused about and maybe if I get enough questions from people I will make a chapter dedicated to answering to as many as I can.
I doubt anyone will be reading this but if you are then thanks so much! Just the fact that someone has read it makes me happy!
Thanks again to everyone for reading and helping if you do!
-kitten
