The Thing About Happiness

The Thing About Happiness

by: Tony Onyenze

‘’ Sometimes I’d rather watch her than go talk to her. She’s my beautiful heartbreaker. ‘’

- Valentine.

Uno

THE THING ABOUT the Okafors was that everyone in the family was quite weird. The Okafors were like a family out of a comedy sitcom. Their life was always full of drama. There is a problem or an issue everyday. The siblings don’t have any respect for one another. And Mr. and Mrs. Valentine Okafor had five kids. I guess that’s what happens when you put five stubborn kids in one house.

Okay, just so you know, my name is Valentine Okafor. Yes, am a member of this so called family. Am actually the first born of the family. Alright that’s a lie, am almost the first-born. Just twenty more seconds earlier than my twin and I would’ve been the first-born. I have a twin sister, Valentina Okafor. I’m Valentine, she’s Valentina. Imagine! I hate that my twin sister is older than me with just twenty seconds. How I knew it was twenty seconds? Because it’s the story my Mom told us. I guess she was counting how long it took for me to pop out after Valentina slid out. But sometimes am angry with my parents for making Valentina rub it in my face everyday about how she’s the older twin. Because trust me she did. Always making sure to point out that she’s the older twin. When the eldest is to pick meat, she’d go first. She has her own room. I don’t. And other scenarios.

I always wondered; what if my parents had lied and said I was the first one out. Everything would’ve been much better. Besides the birth certificate showed we were born within the same minute. That aside, they also had to name her almost my name. Valentine and Valentina.

If you’re thinking we look alike; no… we do not. She’s female, am male. And besides she’s the uglier of the both of us.

Over to my other siblings. There’s Kenechi. The third born of the family. He’s fifteen, which makes him four years younger than me and Valentina.

At this point I’d like to tell you I refer to my twin sister as Tina. So from here onwards lets call her Tina.

Back to Kenechi. Let me tell you something about Kenechi. He’s in the NFA league. Not the Nigerian Football Association. He just doesn’t seem to have any plans for his future. Not that I’ve got my future all figured out but at least I have prospects. Kenechi is my brother but sometimes I just fear for him. He’s not exactly a bright student… Okay maybe am just putting it mildly. Kenechi is a dullard!

At the end of the term Kenechi will take the thirty-ninth position out of the forty students in his class. His best friend takes the fortieth position. And now he’s in the science class. He’s in his penultimate year in secondary school. SS2. Next year he would be taking his WAEC exams. I remember seeing Kenechi’s chemistry homework once in his SS1 class. He was asked to name the first twenty elements of the periodic table. And he wrote: Hydrogen, Helen, Lithum, Bacterium… That was the first time I knew Helen was an element. And bacterium was now a chemical term. And Lithium is now Lithum.

There was every probability he was joking considering he never took anything seriously. He probably didn’t know the elements, instead of him to find out or ask me. He’d crack a joke in his notebook. I heard he’s the funny guy in the class. Sometimes my parents wondered where he came from, considering they were both intelligent. So how did they give birth to this dullard?

I think the real problem Kenechi has is the fact he really hates education. Not that he won’t be able to take the twentieth position if he wanted. Forget about the first position, that’s over-shooting it.

Kenechi was a rebel. He rebelled against everything. He rebelled against the government, he rebelled against the school teachers. He rebelled against school assignments that exceeded ten questions. He rebelled against eating pounded yam in our house.

But besides the entire anti-education and rebellious streak. Kenechi is actually really talented. You should see him draw or paint. He was like a young Picasso. Or see him dance. He knew how to do those robot movements. If anything would save him in life, it’s painting or dancing. Even if he’s going to make in science or through education, it’s either by divine intervention or total resolution on his part. But he definitely won’t be poor in the future cause it so happens that our father is quite rich.

My Dad is a business mogul. I guess that’s what they call it. Am not gonna lie, I don’t really know what exactly it is that my Dad trades. I know it involved clothing and… okay that’s all I know. But he probably deals in a lot of things. Mainly outside the country. In London. That’s all I needed to know. If I had asked he’d tell me. But I hadn’t. Since as a kid, when writing a composition about my Dad. I’d just point out he’s a trader. That’s all.

And because he’s a businessman outside of the country, he often stays in London. He spends about seven months in a year with us in Nigeria. I’ve been to London many times. That’s where we celebrated most of our Christmas holidays.

Another thing was our Dad wasn’t really hard on us. By that I meant he pampered us. Mom was the scary one. We are more terrified of her than we are of Dad. She’s the one that’d flog us when Dad wouldn’t. I guess Dad’s refusal to give corporal punishment was the fact he grew up in London. So the whole white mentality of not hitting your child physically was in him. That’s how he was raised. If he grew up in Nigeria like Mom that was born in a village, he’d probably be whooping our asses.

And besides that, Dad is just a cool person. He’d let some things slide with you. Mom is not hundred percent cool. She won’t mind whooping your ass to correct you. Dad would just ground you. Which sometimes were scarier than ass whooping though. Seizing your phone; what could be worse than that for a teenager in this twenty-first century?

Tomorrow am starting school. Am getting into college. Yes! Am excited because I can’t wait to get the hell out of this house and be alone. I can’t wait to live alone and have my freedom.

I got admitted into St. Lawrence College, just two-hour drive from where we live in Ikeja, Lagos. Tina was already a student in the school. Which was kind of a bad thing. Now I have to be in the same place with my ‘elder’ twin for the most part of the year. I don’t hate spending time with Tina. But there are just some times when a man needs his privacy and liberty. Not having his sister around… you know what I mean? Am talking about girls! I’m already picturing frolicking with girls as much as I can when I get into college. And posing about as a cool bad guy. Now I have Tina in that same school with me, she might be a hindrance. She’ll definitely be a hindrance. I know Tina, she’d never introduce me to any of her friends. She’d rather spoil my game. She’s getting into her sophomore year, am just a year one student.

Don’t ask me how my twin sister passed me with a class. Fine, I’ll tell you. I went to a seminary. Tina went to a different all-girls school. After the seminary I served the church for a year ’cause I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a priest or not. So during that period, Tina was busy taking admission exams while I served the church. When I eventually figured out my great love for women, I left the church and decided to leave the seminary. That was it. I was spending a year serving the church while Tina entered into college.

So now that I figured I’d rather get married and have kids, I’ve decided to enter into college. But of course like I always said… Tina loved to rub everything in my face. She was rubbing the fact that she’s now a class higher than me in my face. Reminding me to keep my distance when I enter the school. Since she was a popular and hot girl, she’d rather not have me smear her popularity with mud.

I don’t blame her. I have never been popular anywhere. I was always considered weird. But I don’t blame them either. I’m pretty weird. I was kind of a loner back then before now. Even now people think am quiet. If only they knew me well to realize am a noise machine.

Lying in my bed in my bedroom listening to music. I love guitar songs. Folk. I was listening to Passenger’s ‘riding to New York.’ The bedroom wasn’t exactly just mine though. The bed belonged to me and my younger brother. Say hello to Okey, the weirdest member of the family.

Okey was the most quiet amongst us. But boy, was he weird?

I remember two years ago when he was ten. He brushed his teeth with chewing stick for five days. He even had toothpaste applied to the end. Not just that he was going traditional with brushing, but he only used one chewing stick throughout. He’d brush (chew) then put it back into his luggage and use the next day.

For some reason Okey’s toothbrush kept falling into the toilet. I don’t blame him for keeping quiet and resorting to chewing stick. Mom would’ve probably whooped his ass, considering it was the third time within a week his toothbrush drowned in the toilet.

Just like you, it doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t know why it kept falling into the toilet. Was he using his toothbrush to wash the toilet and it fell in? I don’t know. Was he rinsing his mouth over the toilet? No lo se. Excuse my Spanish. But since I began learning Spanish with an app from my phone, I’ve been showing off once in a while. More like exhibiting stupidity, since no one in the house knew what I was saying.

So like I was saying, I shared the bed with Okey. Right now, I think he’s probably in the sitting room downstairs watching the television.

I smelled the stew coming from the kitchen downstairs. That was another thing. It always smelled nice in the house. There was cooking going on almost every time of the day. It’s either cooking or baking. Courtesy of Ma Ifunanya.

We had a help in the house. Ma Ifunanya as we referred to her. My mother cooked once in a while but mainly it was Ma Ifunanya that did. She was a woman in her late thirties. Looking much older than that. She had loose skin and fat folds all around her girth. I still don’t understand how she wasn’t so thin and bony after all the work she was doing around the house. She practically did everything.

I pity her sometimes but am not going to tell you I go about giving her a helping hand. I actually don’t. As you would’ve figured by now, am a spoilt brat.

Ma Ifunanya had been living with us for almost ten years. I’ve known her since I was a kid. Other than her cooking I enjoyed her baking. She can bake a mean cake. And muffins. Pancakes. She even baked potatoes. And don’t forget the frying too. She basically fried everything.

I was lost in thought on my bed as I stared absentmindedly at the mute television. I had muted it to listen to the songs playing from my phone. All I could think of was school. I was getting into college tomorrow. What would it be like?

I was excited and nervous at same time. Excited to meet new people; girls in particular. And nervous to meet new people; girls in particular too. I was not exactly a ladies man, as you would’ve figured by now. Am not always okay walking up to a girl to start up a conversation.

But on the other hand I plan to use my sister as my wingman. Whether she liked it or not, she’s going to introduce me to her female friends.

Fifteen minutes later I headed downstairs to have dinner with the rest of the family. My Mom had called my phone. I knew it was a summon to come down to the dining table.

I joined downstairs at the dining table. Sat on the seat adjacent to Dad and opposite Okey and Tina. Mom and Dad sat at the both ends of the table. Kenechi sat beside me. And beside him was Junior. Junior was the last born of the family. He’s three years old. He’s quite cantankerous. Always wailing at the slightest thing. He once finished using the potty, turned, looked at his poop and started crying.

Ma Ifunanya had served us with basmati rice and tomato stew. It smelled really nice. The whole dining was filled with dishes. A big ceramic bowl of rice, a bowl of stew. A small tray filled with different parts of fried chicken. And then… wait. Is that goat meat?

There was goat meat in the stew. That was probably the first time I’ve had goat meat in stew. I served myself with more stew. I really love stew. I would always bury my rice in stew such that you won’t see the rice in the plate. Everyone ate in silence. I wanted to suggest the grace, but obviously they already said grace before I showed up.

My Mom looked at me. ‘’ So Valentine, ‘’ I looked up at her. ‘’ Have you packed all your stuff for school tomorrow? ‘’ She asked.

‘’ Yes, ‘’ I nodded. Junior spoke up. ‘’ Mummy, I’ve done my homework. ‘’

No one asked him. Mom smiled at him, ‘’ good boy. ‘’ And frisked his hair. Junior smiled and continued eating.

‘’ Kene, ‘’ Mom called him. ‘’ What of you? Have you done your homework? ‘’

He hummed and pretended he was chewing food. Mom asked again. ‘’ Eh? Have you done your homework? ‘’

‘’ I don’t have any homework. ‘’

‘’ How will he know if he was given homework? ‘’ Tina spoke up. ‘’ He doesn’t write anything in class. ‘’

Kenechi gave her a sidelong glance. ‘’ Who told you?! ‘’

‘’ Kenechi, ‘’ Mom called him. ‘’ After this dinner, go to your room and get me your school bag. I want to see your notes. ‘’

‘’ Mom, ‘’ Kenechi frowned. ‘’ I didn’t come home with any of my books. ‘’

‘’ Why? ‘’ She asked confused. ‘’ So you came home with an empty backpack? ‘’

‘’ I usually leave my books inside my locker in school. ‘’ He muttered. Mom sighed and shook her head. ‘’ So what do plan to read when you get home? ‘’

‘’ Home? ‘’ He asked puckering his face. As if he had no idea students come home with books to study at home.

‘’ Kenechi, am coming to your school within the week to see your principal. ‘’

Tina and I laughed.

Kenechi hummed in disagreement. ‘’ No mummy. You don’t have to come to the school. I will bring my books tomorrow. ‘’

Then Dad entered the conversation. ‘’ Kenechi. ‘’ He turned and faced Dad.

Dad gestured with his fork while he spoke. ‘’ When I was young like Okey, I was kind of the last student in the class. ‘’

Dad continued. ‘’ I kept coming last position in the class up until senior class. One day I told myself I’d rather not. ‘’ Tina, Kenechi and I glanced at each other. Dad continued. ‘’ But then do you know what kept me standing tall after all these years? ‘’

‘’ Your legs. ‘’ Tina muttered inaudibly. I suppressed a laugh. Dad heard it, he just paused and continued. Mom threw a sidelong glance at Tina.

‘’ No, ‘’ Dad answered Tina. ‘’ It’s perseverance. ‘’

‘’ Is that what you call your legs? ‘’ Kenechi deadpanned. Tina and I burst into laughter.

Dad frowned. ‘’ Kenechi, give me that your stupid phone! ‘’

‘’ Huh? ‘’

‘’ I said give me your phone now! ‘’ Dad glared at him.

Kenechi produced his phone from his pocket and handed it to Dad. He dropped it on the table in front of him. ‘’ You’re grounded. ‘’ Dad didn’t talk further. He was done. Kenechi’s case was hopeless. Kenechi might not have even said that as a joke. That was one thing about him. You never know if he was trying to crack a joke or was being serious. But he sure as hell knew how to annoy people taking everything un-seriously.

‘’ Tina, you’re not eating the goat meat. ‘’ Mom asked when she noticed she wasn’t eating it.

‘’ Thanks Mom, ‘’ Tina replied. ‘’ I don’t want Ebola. ‘’

I raised my head in shock. Mom frowned and asked. ‘’ What? ‘’ Kenechi’s meat paused halfway to his mouth.

‘’ Mummy, ‘’ Junior cried. ‘’ I want ebona! ‘’

‘’ No you don’t. ‘’ Mom shushed him. She turned to Tina. ‘’ What do you mean? ‘’

By the way Junior was already wailing because he wasn’t being given his ebona. He was referring to Ebola as ebona. Mom served a goat meat into his plate and he immediately stopped crying. ‘’ It’s goat meat. ‘’ She told him. ‘’ Not Ebola. ‘’

‘’ There’s no Ebola in goat meat, ‘’ Dad told Tina. ‘’ There’s not even Ebola in the country. ‘’

‘’ That’s what the government wants you to believe. ‘’ She murmured. Mom sighed. Kenechi threw his whole meat into his mouth. ‘’ Mom, don’t mind her. She’s vegetarian. ‘’

Tina rolled her eyes on him. ‘’ No am not. ‘’

‘’ Okay prove it. ‘’ Kenechi pointed at the goat meat in the bowl. Tina looked at it then looked back at him. ‘’ Nice try. ‘’

Kenechi giggled. I snickered. Okey was busy eating his meat. Saying absolutely nothing. Sometimes we just forget he’s sitting at the table with us. That’s what happens when you have five kids.

Mom looked at him. ‘’ Okey, do you like it? ‘’

He nodded. ‘’ Yes. ‘’

Mom looked at us. ‘’ Let me not hear that word on this table again. After eating you thank Ma Ifunanya for the wonderful food she made. ‘’

Then Mom advised Tina to look out for me when we enter school. Tina nodded. ‘’ You know you’re his big sister… ‘’ Mom was saying.

‘’ Mom… we’re twins! ‘’ I blurted. Tina blew me a raspberry and winked at me. I was now pissed. Why will Mom keep calling her my big sister? She’s literally twenty seconds older than me.

That why I keep refusing to go to an occasion with Tina. People will ask who is older. Then I’d say ‘we’re twins.’

They’ll say ‘wow,’ then still ask which of you is older? Or who came out first?

After the dinner, I entered my room and landed in bed. Lost in thought once more. With one thing running through my mind. College.

I wasn’t that elated like I was before dinner. But it still kept me up all night wondering what it’d be like. New friends. New environment. New class.

Eventually I went to bed telling myself it was just school. Stop being stupid. You’ll soon go there and start being weird once more.

If only I knew that it was in that school that I’d meet the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. If only I knew I was going to fall in love.

If only I knew… I’d find Happiness.