Complicated

w i n n

He spun me around and around and around. The people around us blurred into a whirlpool of color and faded sound. There was one face that I could focus on; the only one I wanted to focus on.

His smile set off fireworks within my chest and sparks in my head. A laugh so contagious, it was sickening. But it was the kind of sick I did not mind. Floppy, curly brown hair flew in the wind he created. Lean muscle earned from years of soccer. A dimple in his right cheek.

All these physical attributes coming together to make my best friend: Aiden Inez.

We’ve been friends since third grade. We both were searching the library in the non-fiction section, for we grew bored of the Magic Tree House and Diary of a Wimpy Kid. We yearned for truth and knowledge only found in the yellowing pages of the untouched books.

At the time I had a fascination for past presidents and their history. There was always more to the person than school texts let on. Heading my own search would reward me with the answers I was seeking. Every story had two sides, like how every page has a front and back. Most disregard the back and only look at the front whereas the depth of a person is exploited on the back.

Aiden and I were in the line of shelves and I didn’t bother to notice the boy with the missing tooth and big glasses perched on his nose. I did, however, notice the thick spine of George Washington: Founder in a Different Light sitting proudly on the shelf. I reached for it and in that instant my life changed.

The boy with the glasses must have saw it too for we reached for it at the same time. Our hands overlapped but mine touched the rough spine of the aging book. I yanked it off the shelf and safely to my chest to where the boy looked longingly.

With a bratty, upturned nose, I went and checked the book out a smug grin plastered to my lips. For the next week I carried that book with me as if it was my mother’s Bible. I feared to lose the founder of our nation to some slimy six-year-old. Instead a slimy seven-year-old snagged it from the desk slot in the classroom.

I nearly burst into tears but when I saw his grimy hands latched on to the sacred cover, I marched over to him. With smoke coming from my ears and strawberry red painting my puffy cheeks, I was ready to go off. Then I saw the smile he gave the pages as he carefully scanned each line as if he could miss a detail so tiny, it would forever taint his vision.

I sat down next to him, my face much paler and ears much more tamed. He glanced at me and slid the book over so I could read along with him. My bookmark sat waiting twenty pages ahead but my heart could not handle breaking an innocent smile.

So we sat and read.

The remaining years until this moment flew as fast as a humming bird going from flower to flower. Each flower holding a sweet memory. Each memory being sweeter than nectar the humming bird would thirst for.

When my feet touched the floor, his hands remained on my waist. Laughter was still spewing from my lips and I didn’t notice his lingering stare until I moved my hair away from my face.

“What?” I asked as chuckles escaped.

He didn’t say anything. Instead a smile grew on her face.

“Aiden?”

He blinked a couple of times, seemingly breaking free from a gripping trance. “Winn...”

“Yeah?” I cocked my head to the side and shifting from foot to foot.

“Can I try something?”

“You can’t have another weird mix of alcohol. You’re drunk enough.”

He shook his head. “Another thing.”

I nodded my head. “As long as it’s not another drink, I approve.”

He nodded and from our close proximity, I could hear him take a deep breath. His tongue darted out before retreating. He mumbled something to himself before he maneuvered his lips down to mine.

The long-lasting fuze Aiden lit all those years ago finally reached the fireworks. Gone were the sparks and replaced with an explosion of passion within me. Every brush of his lips left me wanting more. I pressed myself closer to him, feeling everything possibly without taking our clothes off.

I would be a liar if I denied the obvious crush I have on Aiden.

The kiss was tender yet ruthless. He was taking his time before his tongue pushed past my lips and entered my mouth. I nearly melted and if it weren’t for the iron grip I had on his arm, I would have definitely fallen to the floor.

What felt like two minutes - but probably ten in reality - Aiden pulled away. Our chest moving faster and pulling in deeper lungful of air. We shared smiles as we gazed at each other like we were the most beautiful art ever.

“You two need a room!” Some random kid yelled as he handed Aiden a pair of keys. “Give those to Paul when you leave. If you leave.” He winked and grabbed a random red cup before leaving.

Aiden grabbed my hand and started pulling me upstairs. I stumbled over myself as I worked to keep up with his long legs as he took to stairs at a time. I tugged on his hand to make him stop at the top of the stairs.

“What do you think you’re doing? All we did was kiss,” I pointed out. “Then some dude thinks we’re gonna...”

“Its a key, into a room, where no one is going to bother us,” he reasoned. “My head is starting to hurt with all this noise. We can go back downstairs if you want.”

I stared at him, mulling it over for a minute. “If there are any rumors that we...” I motioned between the two of us. “You say it’s not true. They’ll believe you.”

He held up his right hand. “Scout’s honor.”

I caved in with a nod.

“Besides,” he commented, “how could we have sex if you can’t even say the word? You’re just too innocent.”

I rolled my eyes waited for him to figure out what room the key went with. He finally got to the last door and the satisfying click made me sigh with relief. He pushed open the door and flicked on the lights.

“Well the room looks clean,” he commented.

He pulled me in with him and shut the door. As I kicked off my heels, he locked the door and kicked off his own shoes.

“Who has separate locks on all the doors?” I asked, throwing myself down on the bed.

“A sexual active teen,” he commented, laying down next to me.

“How can you say those things to easily?” I questioned. “Like you say it like it’s nothing.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I just don’t think much of it.”

“But don’t you want talk like that to be more intimate?”

“I guess, but people’s first times and talk like that don’t mean anything. Like Reese, she was drunk at a party. It didn’t mean anything to her and so many other teens. Probably me too.”

I turned my head to look at him. His eyes were trained on the ceiling with his hands clasped over his chest. Some of his hair rested on his forehead and all I wanted was to move it so I could get a clear look at his face.

I turned my head back. “Not for me. I want mine to be special. With someone I care about.”

“Me too, Winn. Life just isn’t like that. Since I’m a guy, what if people expect me to just go around with every girl? Like in those books every girl is obsessed with.”

“The bad boy stories?” I scrunched my face up in disgust. “I don’t like those stories. They’re so blan and repetitive. No one can change a person so much in a few months. Besides anger should not be romanticized. And screw what people think you should do. If you want to have your first time be with an emotional connection, then do that. It’s your life, Aiden.”

He didn’t say anything but one of his hands covered my own. I glanced at his hand before looking at him. He was staring at me like I was something special; like I was an enigma.

“You’re just so...” he trailed off, making me chuckle slightly as the silence grew awkward.

“So?” I probed. “I’m just so, what?”

He just smiled and leaned across the small space between us to connect our lips again. His hand moved up to cup the line of my jaw and everything just felt right. I just have that feeling in my gut telling me that this - what we have - is just right.

He pulled away again with a smile on his face. “Stunning. You’re just so stunning.”

I rolled my eyes as I tried to suppress my smile and sat up. I allowed my elbows to rest on my knees and ran my hands up my face and into my hair.

“Aiden,” I sighed. “What are we doing? We’re best friends. We can’t do this. We can’t start something that won’t go past tonight.”

“What are you saying, Winn?” He asked.

I felt the bed shift so I knew he was sitting next to me. I could feel his eyes scanning the side of my face. He was trying to figure me out.

“I like you, okay? But we can’t date because if we break-up, we lose everything. I don’t want that to happen.”

“So then we won’t date,” he claimed as if that simple statement could stand for everything. “Let’s just have tonight be tonight and not worry about tomorrow.”

“Aiden-”

“Winn. Please, you don’t want to pursue how we feel towards each other, that’s okay. I just want to hold you one time. We both know tomorrow everything will change.”

“Because we kissed?”

“Because we kissed.” He confirmed quietly.

“The bed is really warm,” Aiden commented as he snuggled into the covers. “Come on, Winnie.”

I stuffed my socks into my shoes and flipped off the light, letting the bedside lamp light up the room. I moved over to the bed and slipped into bed next to Aiden.

He wasn’t lying, the bed was warm.

“See? This isn’t so bad,” he said.

“Mhm,” I hummed, staring at his soft features casted in smooth shadows.

His eyes fell shut and his hair fell across his forehead again. This time, I reached forward and ran my fingers through the smooth curls. A breath passed through his lips. I retracted my hand as soon as his hair was out of his face making him groan. His arm flung out and slung against my waist, pulling me closer to him.

“Don’t stop,” he groaned.

I smiled and put my hand back. My eyes drank in his soft features noticing some acne scars on his skin and some acne appearing along his cheeks and forehead. We are only fifteen so acne is a thing we have. I just wish he wouldn’t pick at it.

My hand, on its own accord, trailed down his face with a feather-like touch. My thumb ran along his bottom lip making his eyes flutter open. My eyes were trained on his lips and it was a daunting task to pull my eyes to match his.

“I don’t wanna think about tomorrow,” I whispered.

“Are you sure?” He asked, his hand rubbing my waist where my shirt was riding up. “We can’t come back from this.”

“I want an emotional connection. Don’t you?”

“Yeah. I do.”

We met half away across the pillow. Our third time kissing and time yet again stopped. We basked in each other for a bit before he moved on top of me. The connection of our lips made me pull at his shirt. He pulled away and removed it, tossing it over the edge of the bed.

I caught a glimpse of the soccer earned muscle before he was kissing me again. Tentatively moved my hands down his chest, letting my hands run along the small valley between his abs.

His fingers fumbled for my shirt and soon enough that was across the room. He didn’t return to kissing me. Instead he took in my near-bare chest. He looked at me, for permission and with the nod of my head, his hand moved up run over my bra making me arch my back at the sensation.

“You better kiss me, Aiden,” I demanded.

He complied.

The more he touched me, the more I touched him. The longer we touched, the more I wanted him. The more time that passed, the less amount of clothing we had.

My bra was gone. Then his pants; then mine.

Every stroke of his finger made me feel more. After rummaging in the drawer next to me, Aiden found a condom. Then our underwear was gone.

There was no barrier. It was purely him and I in this moment. There wasn’t a party or a couple banging on the door for “their turn.” Just Aiden and I.

It took a while but once the condom was on, he looked back up at me. His lips cupped mine gently for a few seconds before he pulled back to look at me.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.

“Thanks?” I answered with an awkward chuckle. “You ready?”

I felt him press against me. “Yeah. You?”

I locked my arms around his neck. “Yeah.”

He nodded nervously and he started shifting on his arms. He looked down like he would miss. I cupped his chin with my hand and tilted his head to look at me.

“We’re going to be fine.” I leaned up to kiss him softly. “Don’t overthink.”

With a final kiss, he pushed in. Breaking every barrier between us. Making me clutch on to him tightly and him let out a breathy moan. With every stroke, with every movement, we maintained eye contact going for the occasional kiss. It wasn’t perfect but it was in the moment. When the final thrust came, our sounds mixed together as sweat coated our bodies.

As we made eye contact the silent truth was spoken; nothing would ever be as it once was. And a part of me was okay with that.