not so typical

MAY BE TRIGGER WARNING FOR SOME PEOPLE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ANYTHING RELATED TO DEPRESSION, EMOTIONAL ABUSE, PREGNANCIES OR MISCARRIAGES.

“One. Two. Three.”

Positive.

“No it can’t be. This has to be a mistake. Maybe if I take another one it would be different.” I thought to myself.

I waited for another five minutes but the results were no different.

“Fuck. Fuck. What am I going to do? What am I going to tell him?” I paced around the restroom.

I take a deep breath. “Okay I’ll just tell Jaxon it’s negative then I’ll figure the rest out when I get home.” I said while walking out of the restroom.

I make my way into the classroom he’s waiting in. He looks up at me with a curious expression.

“It’s negative.” He lets out a sign and comes up to hug me.

“Good. I’m not ready to have kids anytime soon.”

“Yeah I know.”

He walked back to the desk and sat down.

“Are you sure it was negative? You look so disappointed.”

“No I’m sure it’s negative, I’m just tired that’s all, You have nothing to worry about.”

I hated lying to him but I had to keep doing it until i figured stuff out.

“Well I just want you to know I love you.” He said while hugging me.

“I love you too.” He kissed me.

Later that day.

“What am I going to do?” I paced around my room for the past twenty minutes asking myself the same question over and over.

“Ugh why did you have to be so irresponsible?” I yelled into my pillow.

Biiing.

I checked my phone to see who texted me. It was Jaxon.

Hey baby. - him

Hey babe what’s up? -me

Nothing just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out this week? -him

I rolled my eyes. I knew what “hang out” meant to him. He wanted to hook up again. I was getting tired of always hooking up when we would try to meet up.

But I loved him, I don’t think I could ever stop. If this makes him happy I’ll do it.

Sure text me whenever you’re free. -me

Alright. I love you. -him

I love you too. -me

I chuck my phone onto my bed and walk towards my mirror. Seeing myself the mirror feels weird now that I know I’m pregnant. I turn to the side and slightly lift my shirt. My belly looks so normal, it’s too trippy.

I chuckle at the thought of me actually growing something inside of me. I don’t know what I’m going to do once this baby is born but all I know is I’m going to love this baby more than I’ve loved anything before.

I rub my stomach like if there’s a huge bump going to magically appear on me. I just can’t wait to see this baby in front of me. Hugging it, kissing it, teaching it how to take their first steps or saying their first words. No matter what I’m going to raise this baby, even if it’s the last thing I do.

Later on that week

“Hey.” He said while pulling me into a hug.

“Hey.” I said while giving him a soft kiss.

The kiss gets heated really fast which isn’t what I expected. He pulls me closer to him to make the kiss deeper but I feel his lower region harden. I pull back to breathe.

“Well that was unexpected.” I pull away.

“Yeah uh I guess.” He said while sounding kinda mad that I pulled away.

“So what do you wanna do?” I ask him trying to change the subject.

“I thought maybe we could spend some alone time together.” He said while a knowing smile.

I forced a smile. “Sure.”

“Come on no one is at my house. We can hang out there.”

We drive down to his house and park. We get off and walk inside.

He walks over to the couch while I awkwardly stand by the door.

“Come here.”

I start to walk over to sit next to him but he has other ideas. He sits me onto his lap and starts to kiss me roughly. He grabs my butt and starts to squeeze it. He slowly starts to make his way towards the front of my pants and slides his hand down to my entrance.

“Slow down. I don’t wanna rush things.”

He groaned but proceeded to listen. It didn’t take us more than ten minutes before he had came.

Even though we didn’t do much I was exhausted. He got dressed and walked towards his video games. He turned the tv on and started playing a game. After I was dressed I went to wrap my arms around him.

“Ugh not now. I’m playing a game.” He says while shrugging me off.

After everything we just did he just brushed me off like it was nothing. I felt like I was just bothering him so i just left him alone.

“Can you take me home?”

“Fine. Grab your stuff.” He muttered.

Once we reached my house I reached over to give him a kiss goodbye he turned the other way.

“Uh I’ll see you later.” I quickly got out of the car and heard him drive off.

“So much for hanging out.” I muttered.

A couple weeks later

I told Jaxon that I was getting tired of only hooking up so Jaxon and I decided to hang out at the mall for once. We weren’t planning on buying anything we just wanted to look around.

We went into about five different stores from looking at shoes, clothes, electronics, books, and eating at the foodcourt, but we found nothing we liked.

After a couple of hours of walking some more we decided to leave the mall but right before we could leave I stopped at build a bear.

It was pretty empty when I walked in with Jaxon right behind me.

“What are we doing here?” He asked.

“Honestly I don’t know. I thought maybe we could make one together?” I shrugged.

He gave me a sheep smile. “You want to build a bear together?”

I could feel a slight blush creeping up my cheeks. “Is it a bad idea?”

“Come on let’s go build our bear.” He chuckled while taking my hand, dragging me towards the bears.

He picked up a light brown bear. “This is the one we’re picking.” I laughed at the way he was holding the bear.

We grab the little zipper on back and begin to unzip it. I stick the pipe inside of it and started stuffing it. Once it was full we zip it up and make our way to the clothes.

“Wait so is it a boy or girl?” I ask him while holding a shirt of each gender.

He looks at the bear and slightly smiles. “It’s a girl.”

“Nooo don’t grab the pink shirt she’s not a girly girly.” Jaxon said while giving me a light yellow shirt that had Spider-Man’s face in the shape of a heart.

“Fine but she’s getting this pink skirt.” I said while dressing the bear in the clothes we picked out.

Once we were finally finished we headed towards the little voice machine to record something which is probably going to be lame but I’m having too much fun to care.

“What do you wanna say?” Jaxon asks while cuddling the bear like it was a baby.

If only he knew then I wouldn’t feel this pain in my chest knowing I’m lying to him.

“Honestly I don’t know.” I give him a sad smile.

“I got an idea.” He said while lowering his head to speak to the recorder.

“Think of a girl name.” Jaxon chuckles.

“Like what?” I laughed at his sudden goofiness.

“I don’t know what would you name your future daughter?” He laughs.

I felt a sharp ping in my chest when he said “your daughter” instead of our daughter.

I smile anyway and say “How about Amelia Rose?”

He stops to think about it before the says it out loud. He seemed to like the way the name rolled right out of his mouth. He gives me a bright smile and kisses my cheek. “That sounds perfect.”

He lowers himself back to the mic. “My name is Amelia rose” he says is a stupid high pitched voice as if he was mocking mine. “I love my mommy and daddy.” He said while pulling me closer towards him.

I laugh at how his voice keeps getting higher and higher. “We love you Amelia Rose.” I said while looking at Jaxon.

He smiles at me. “I love you.” Jaxon says while pulling me into a long kiss. This one isn’t heated though, this one feels like I’m floating, like nothing else matters except for us.

We pay for the bear and decide to finally leave the mall. I cuddle the bear all the way home. We get off of his car and decide to hang out in my room for a bit.

“Hey so” He said while pulling me closer to him.

“Like all this fake baby making.” He whispers into my ear.

“Has made me wanna make some babies.” He said while kissing my neck.

I roll my eyes and push his shoulder slightly. “Don’t ruin the moment.”

He laughs and pulls back . “The only way the moment would be ruined is if you didn’t let me make this day perfect for you.” He said while leaning in to kiss me.

Jaxon left an hour after we hooked up so I decided to take a quick shower and change into some sleeping shorts and a big t-shirt.

I grab my teddy bear and press its hand. “My name is Amelia Rose, I love my mommy and daddy.” I can hear Jaxon and I laughing in the background.

“We love you Amelia Rose.” I set my teddy bear down and walk towards my mirror.

I lift my shirt up and turn to my side. My stomach feels a bit bigger but it’s not noticeable to anyone who doesn’t know.

I feel horrible for not telling him but I’ll just have to tell him when the time is right. I go back to my bed and snuggle my new teddy bear. I press the button a couple more times before falling asleep.

Two months later

It was the middle of the night, I started getting horrible cramps. “Agh what the fuck?”

There was blood on my sheets. I run to bathroom and get inside the tub. I know something is going horribly wrong because this can’t be normal.

I start crying because the pain is so unbearable. The bleeding has slowed down a bit. I end up calling my closest friend Andrew telling him everything that just happened.

“I know you’re not gonna wanna hear this but...” my Andrew sighs over the phone.

“what is it?” I asked worriedly.

“From what you’re telling me it sounds like you had a miscarriage....”

“No it can’t be. Don’t joke around with me right now please.” my voice cracked.

“Oh trust me I wish I was...” he sighed.

“No no this can’t be happening.” I start crying over the phone.

“I’ll be over as fast as I can.” He hang up.

But it’s too late I’m breaking down in my own tub. Blooding flowing down the drain. My pained scream taking over my whole body. My tears rushing down my face. I feel so numb I can’t move. I don’t know how long I’ve been crying but I hear Andrew banging the front door but I don’t move.

I can hear my family rushing downstairs to open the front door while the other half rushes to get my door opened.

I can hear them gasp while they try to help out of the tub but I’m so limp they’re forced to carry me.

They start to sound like whispers to me but they don’t know I’m not paying attention. They think I can hear what they’re asking me but I just lay in Andrew’s arms not responding.

“Do you want me to call Jaxon?” He whispers in my ear. I barley move my head to make a slight nod.

He sets me down by my brother and leaves to call my boyfriend. It doesn’t take long for him to come back looking furious as ever.

“We called an ambulance.” My mom says.

When we get to the hospital they make my family wait in the waiting room while they run tests on me. The nurse that draws my blood gives me a pained smile but I look away.

It’s been hours since I’ve last since my best friend, my family but I haven’t heard once from Jaxon. Maybe he didn’t answer, maybe that’s why Andrew was furious.

After what seemed like forever my family came into my room finally able to see me. I knew I screwed things up but I hoped this was just some horrible dream that I would wake up from. Sadly it’s not, the doctor comes in with a serious face.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. Your daughter has had a miscarriage. I’m sorry but your body wasn’t reacting well to new adjustment. You were only a couple weeks pregnant but it’ll take a couple days to the blood to fully come out. I’m very sorry dear.” I let out a loud shriek while tears starting streaming down my face. Andrew pulled me into a long hug.

I freeze not because of how far along I was but because I’ve lost the only thing that made me feel some type of emotion other than sadness, or frustration for the past few weeks.

My baby is gone. I didn’t even get to say hello, or even a quick goodbye. They were ripped away from me before I had a chance to see them.

I eventually fell asleep crying into Andrew’s arms. I woke up feeling so crappy that I barley noticed Jaxon was watching me. Oh boy did he look furious.

I gave him a sad smile. “Hey.”

He stormed up to me and grabbed my forearm very hard. “You told me you’re weren’t pregnant.” He sneered.

“I-I-I’m s-sorry.”

“YOU’RE SORRY?!” He yelled while shoving my forearm back towards me.

“Look I know you didn’t want a baby bu-”

“YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I DIDN’T WANT A BABY.”

“We could’ve worked something out babe. I know everything would’ve been fine.” I cried.

“You don’t get it do you? I would never have raised this stupid baby with you! You’re lucky I’m only here because my stupid parents thought I should come see you.” He growled.

“W-what do you mean you’re would never raised this baby with me...?”

“I mean I would have left you. The only reason I was with you for so long was because you were so easy to get into. I never loved you god I’m not that stupid.” He laughed.

I could literally feel my heart being broken into a million pieces. He was only using me for sex. Three years he stayed just for sex. Me and my unborn child would’ve been kicked to the curb by him.

“I’m done with you now. By the way you and that stupid baby are dead to me.” That was the last thing said to me before leaving my room.

I had silent hot tears running down my face. I was so stupid to think he could ever love me. It felt like hours have passed before the next person visited me. It was Andrew.

“How are you doing kiddo?” He says while he sits at the end of my bed.

I can’t bring myself to say anything. I sit there repeating his words in my head. He sighs and goes to hug me.

“It’ll be okay.”

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye....” I croak.

“Did you already pick names ?” He gave me a sad knowing smile.

I nodded. “Amelia Rose for a girl. David Alexander for a boy.”

“They would’ve been beautiful.” He says.

Later that night

Everyone is gone, my family had gone home, even though they’re coming in the morning. Andrew has gone home too even after he begged me to let him stay but I just wanted to be be alone now.

I feel so empty, so alone, I did nothing but just sit in this stupid hospital bed waiting for someone to tell me this was all a bad dream, that I’ll wake up any moment to find out none of this was true. But it doesn’t happen.

I get up and walk to the restroom. I turn the lights on and close the door. When I looked in the mirror I couldn’t recognize myself.

My eyes were puffy and bloodshot red, my lips chapped, my skin was very pale. It just wasn’t me.

I couldn’t stand it, I felt like part of me was missing. I couldn’t replace that part of me that felt so empty, so cold.

I decided to do the only thing that would make me feel whole once again.

I was getting ready to sneak out when a nurse came in.

“What are you doing?” She demanded.

“I was going to the bathroom.” I lied.

“Oh well you need to take your medicine first.” She handed me these two blue pills.

I quickly shoved them under my tongue and pretended to drink from my water bottle. Soon after that the nurse left I grabbed the pills and laid them under the pillow.

I grabbed a robe that was in the restroom and walked out the door. I started to look for a supply closet so I could change into some scrubs.

I can’t believe I was actually doing this. My heart is beating like crazy, how was I so sure that this is what I wanted. My hands were shaking, I started hyperventilating so I had to sit down for a bit. After I calmed down, I took a deep breath and soon enough I found a supply closet not to far from my room and decided to change there.

I threw my gown and robe into a trashcan and started to look for an exit. I kept my head down whenever I passed a doctor or nurse, hoping they don’t realize I’m not an actual nurse.

I’m near the exit when I pass the maternity ward. I stop to glance at the babies, there’s three boys and four girls.

There’s a girl who looks about my age wearing a robe over her gown. She’s smiling at this little baby boy.

“Which one is yours?” I ask her knowingly.

“The boy next to the two girls.” She smiled.

“He’s cute. Have you figured out a name yet?”

“Sadly not yet. There’s so many possibilities to choose from.” She said worriedly.

“Can I suggest something?” I ask cautiously.

She laughs. “Yes please anything.”

“How about David Alexander?”

She stares at her baby boy and thinks for a while. She gives him a small smile. “I like it thank you.”

I gave her a sad smile. ” No problem.”

I start to walk away but before I can get far, I stop and turn to her. “You’re going to be a great mom one day.”

“One can only hope.” She whispers loud enough for me to hear.

I make it through the exit and start making my way towards the place Jaxon first told me he loved me.

The Golden Gate Bridge, we were driving back from hanging out with some friends. He turned to me and told me to look at the view right as the sun was setting. Instead I looked at him while the last bit of sun was making his eyes shine.

He turned to me and smiled. “Thank you for this amazing day. This is the happiest I’ve been in a while.” He said.

My heart fluttered so I decided to him a quick peck on the cheek. “You make me so happy.”

“I love you and nothing is going to change that.” He smiled widely.

“I love you too.”

Later that night was the first time we ever made love. I’ve never felt so loved until him. He made my heart leap just by looking at me.

But now I’m here standing on the side of The Golden Gate Bridge, we used to stop here all the time on our trips to San Francisco. It’s strange being here alone. He isn’t here to pretend to push me off this time. Still super cold, windy, and calming how I remember it.

I can hear my heart beat so loud that it’s probably the only thing I can hear over the passing cars.

“No I shouldn’t do this. It’s not what I should want.” I pause.

“Why can’t I just feel whole again...?” I break down in the middle of the sidewalk.

Maybe this isn’t what I had planned for myself. Maybe I was supposed to finish high school, go to college, party like it’s the roaring 20′s, fall in love, have a family, grow old and retire.

But somehow I couldn’t imagine that now. This is supposed to be wrong but it feels right.

I feel scared only because I know how relieved I’ll feel once I do it.

I put one foot over the ledge and grab onto the rail. I start to put the other foot over the ledge until I’m fully standing on the other side. I look down and get goosebumps.

This is it. I’m ready to feel whole once more. I’m not afraid but it frightens me how calm am I about this.

“Okay ready. One. Two. Thr-.”

So for everyone who reads this I want you to know this IS NOT a story like a regular book. This is going to be a combination of multiple short stories. Some will be together but the majority are their own short story. I will let you know if its a continuation or a separate short story but please let me know what you think! If any part confuses you please don't be afraid to ask. :)