Hang On
The crickets chirp and dance lively in the calm night. The gentle winds rustle the trees creating a soothing lullaby. I walk down a wide dirt path following the low glow from the park lamps. The cool air blows against my cold face sending small shivers down my body. It’s beautiful here at night. I am glad it stopped raining. I listen to the loose dirt crunch underneath my shoes as I take in the fresh smell of water from the pond. I haven’t been here in so long. This place makes me miss my dad so much. I shove my hands into the warm pockets of my hoodie.
I wonder if the old wooden bench is still here. I look around as I walk off the dirt path. The wet grass sinks beneath my shoes as I continue to look around. Is that my favorite bench? I can’t believe it’s still in one piece. I walk faster towards the dully lit bench. I swing around the tall park lamp as I smile for just a moment. My fingers tips run along the damp bench as I smell the musk of wet wood. I have so many great memories here. I sit down slowly hearing the bench creak and crackle from my weight. Taking a deep breath I look out at the pond. The calm dark water shimmers reflecting the beauty of the moon. Do the ducks still swim and play in the pond? I loved coming here with my dad, we would feed the ducks with stale bread from our pantry. Whenever we would visit all the ducks would come to us before we even pulled out the bread. It was like they knew us, that always made me feel special. The wind blows hard pulling my hair into my face as I look around. I remember how the park would be filled with kids screaming, laughing, and playing. We were all so free during the summer time. Our dreams were big and so were our hearts. I hate that I have grown up and left my dreams behind. It seems like the more I learned about this awful world we live in, my heart started to shrink and eventually harden. I brush a few strands of my hair out of my face as I take a deep breath.
I have lost everything, I’ve lost control of my life. My head is only filled with what if’s and self-hate. How could I let things get so bad? I thought I was in control. I guess this is life’s way of telling me that I’m only a passenger along for the ride. Why do I have to follow the road? What if I just took the wheel and made an unauthorized turn? Who knows, it may lead me to happiness.
I reach into my left pocket of my hoodie and pull out a small napkin. I slowly unfold the napkin as tiny pieces fall away from my hand and snow down onto my lap. I’ve been saving this for a while now. I can’t believe I didn’t have the courage before, but now, I do. I remove the medium size razor blade from the falling apart napkin. Slowly I run my index finger along the sharp edges and corners. I lick my lips as I salivate at the thought of being no more.
My father would always tell me to find hope and mold dreams in the night sky where the stars live. That if I ever forgot about those hopes and dreams, all I would have to do is just look up. The stars will twinkle and shine to remind me of what I crave in life. I look up at the black sky decorated with people’s hopes and dreams. They twinkle and shine effortlessly, but all I feel is emptiness. They can shine as bright as the sun but they can’t remind me of what I once chased and hoped for when I was younger.
The blade greets me with my reflection as I tilt it back in forth. I grip the blade firmly between my thumb and index finger as I press it against my wrist. Come on, don’t be a coward, you can do this.
Footsteps crunch along the dirt path at a steady pace. I look around cautiously feeling anxiety run its creepy fingers up my back. Is someone watching me? Maybe it was just a cat or something. I need to do this now while I still have it in me. I grip the blade again and press it on my wrist.
Footsteps squish against the wet grass at a quicker pace. I whip my head around looking behind me. Someone is here, I turn my head to the left slowly.
A tall man about 6′2 dressed in a suit and tie stands at the end of the bench. What the--, I thought no one would be here around this time of night. I slide the blade back into my pocket and pull my hood over my head. Maybe he is here to enjoy the fresh air; he will probably leave in a few minutes.
He takes a seat next to me making the bench groan and creak from his weight. I peek at him from the side my hood. He reaches inside of his suit jacket and pulls out a cigarette and a neon green lighter.
“Lovely night,” he says hitting the end of his cigarette in the palm of his hand.
Is he talking to me? I nervously nod at him. He lights his cigarette up and takes a long drag from it. Hopefully he will leave after he finishes smoking. I cover my nose and mouth with the sleeve of my hoodie. I watch as the smoke flows from his mouth and nostrils. The smoke swirls around in the air and disappears. I turn my head slowly trying to see his face. He flicks his lit cigarette into the moist grass and grinds it in with the heel of his shoe. Good, he is done, now I get to die in peace.
He leans back against the bench and reaches into the band of his pants. Gross, maybe I should leave. What if he is some kind of pervert. I’ll just go find another spot to do this. I push the hood back from off of my head and stand up, brushing the pieces of napkin from off my lap.
“Let’s just get this over with,” he says softly.
“What?” I ask turning around.
I look him straight in the eyes as he holds a small handgun up to the side of his head. My heart skips a beat as everything around me goes black. My lips quiver with fear as my tongue searches my mouth for the right word to scream out.
“Stop!” I scream as loud as I can. The gun starts to shake as he licks his lips nervously.
“What the hell are you doing?!” I snap at him.
His mouth opens slightly as he presses the gun harder against the side of his head. Oh god, oh god, what do I do!?
“There is nothing that you can do,” he says dryly.
Did he just--, no he can’t hear my thoughts. I guess I look like a deer in headlights right now.
“This is how things must go,” he says cocking the gun with his thumb.
Silence surrounds us as I listen to the bullet enter the chamber of the gun.
“Stop dammit!?” I scream and lunge at him grabbing his wrist. I pull his arm away from his head facing the loaded gun towards me.
“Let go of the gun!” I yell trying to face the gun upwards. “Please, let go for me!” I yell once more as tears stream down my face.
His face softens as he slowly lets go of the gun. I back away from him and place the gun on the ground. I breathe heavily as I stare at him. He slowly bends over and reaches for the gun on the ground.
“No, stop it!” I snap as I kick the gun under the bench. “What is your problem?! Do you know that kids play at this park every day? That the kids feed the ducks right here? Do you not care if they see your dead body here with half your head missing? Do you even care that the kids will be traumatized and will have nightmares? Don’t you care that you have family and friends out there who will be crushed once you take your life?” I ask strongly, looking him dead in the eyes.
“Do you?” he asks as his voice changes to woman’s tone.
The park light flickers as his pupils dilate and the green of his eyes melt away becoming a soft brown. His nose shifts into a button nose as his cheeks become fuller. The light flickers faster as his hair grows out and becomes light brown and curly. His thin lips become plump and full. What is going on? My body starts to shake uncontrollably.
“Who are you?!” I shout feeling my heart trying to break out of my rib cage “Wait, it’s me. How are you me when I’m standing right here?” I ask staring into my own eyes.
“Do you know that kids play at this park every day, that they feed the ducks right here? Do you not care if they see your dead body here surrounded by a pool of blood? Do you even care that the kids will be traumatized and will have nightmares? Don’t you care that you have family and friends out there who will be crushed once you take your life!?” he shouts in my voice.
I breathe faster and heavier as a cool chill crawls up my spine. My mom would fall apart without me. Why didn’t I think about that earlier? Why is this happening? The park lamp stops flickering as the man stands up. His face completely normal and gone of my appearance.
“Please stay here, and help me pick up those who are broken,” the man says softly as his green eyes sparkle like the stars in the sky. I step closer to him.
“What do you mean? How can I help?” I ask nervously.
“Soon you will know. Hang in there, a little girl needs you,” he says turning away from me.
“What little girl?” I ask desperately.
“Hang on, hang on, hang on,” he says over and over as he walks down the dirt path.
“What are you?!” I scream out as I watch him disappear into the distance.
This is so strange, did that just happen? Am I losing it? I look down at my hands and gently touch my face. I quickly look under the bench for the gun. It’s not here, I swear I slid it under here.
A small calming voice lingers around my ear, “Check your pocket,” it says fading in and out. I cautiously reach into my pocket. Where is my razor blade? It should be here, did I drop it? I look around my feet and on the bench. I dig deeper into my pocket and slowly pull out a small paper heart. I squint my eyes at the small handwriting sitting in the middle of the heart. I care for you, hang on. I stare at the words as I rub the thin paper in between my fingers. I place the small paper heart back into my pocket feeling confused. Suddenly a calm feeling washes over me as I look up at the sky. I guess I should be heading home now. I walk down the dirt path slowly and look behind me as a small star twinkles and dances in the distance.
The End
