How does he know?

*Unedited*

She hated days like this. Days where everything just seemed to blend together into some kind of grey nothingness. Life seemed to be in the same endless loop that lead to what would probably be her demise.

Yes, that is most likely a rather dramatic inclination but with the cards she'd been dealt so far it didn't seem to far off. Depression, consistent internal conflicts, highly addictive tendencies deeply disturbing want for... Well, best that's left unspoken. If it's stays hidden it's not there right? Right? Well that's what she'll keep telling herself, that is the only way to stay sane. At least relatively sane.

"Alone." She thought, "always alone."

But it has to be this way, it must. They-they can't know, they couldn't handle it. How could anyone? For God's sake she hardly could handle the day to day! No they can't be close, this is the only way.

Her head space was, as she so affectionately liked to call it, "a place of no refuge, but instead a place of torment." So dark and forsaken, just a shadow of what once was a- perhaps it's best to not go there either. She shook head, "just don't think about, you know where you end up..." What once was can never be again and yesterday can only be changed by knowledge of past ignorance. But even then what really changes, that past, our roles, or you?

"Hard to say in the long term but the short term I'd sa-"

Her train or thought was suddenly halted by the sounds of a very tangible train coming itself to a very loud and annoying halt as well. "Stupid train." She thought to herself redundantly, of course she knew the subway wasn't stupid. She was only upset that the obvious and highly predictable 00:15 managed to startle her for the umpteenth time.

Taking things out in inanimate objects has become the new normal for her. Anger seemed to brude inside her like a second soul these days, and an emphasis on the inside. On the outside she presumed she looked like the typical slightly perturbed young twenty-something year old female living in any metropolitan area. The beast was to remain inside. Always.

Slowly rubbing her hands down her face she was, in this rare moment, conscience and greatful that she forgot to wear makeup again. "Sometimes being eternally forgetful and unconscientious was a good thing," she smiled to herself.

She wasn't one to care about what anyone thought, like seriously. Politeness was a hard learned skill, deception on the contrary, came as natural as speaking. Despite her ability to read people she hated how she was able to take advantage of them and often with no reservations in the moment. She knew how people worked, after years of studying the strange creatures you hope she learned at least something!

She knew better then anything else what people wanted to hear and as consequence, when they were lying. The hard part was figuring out if people were lying to her or themselves and perhaps even harder was divining if they knew what they really wanted or needed to hear. "People hardly know what they want in general," she scoffed and rolled her eyes at herself as watch and listen to the people exit he train.

"Can you believe Candace actually agreed to go to the wedding? I mean if I was her I definitely wouldn't go. I would have sent a 'fuck you' back as my RSVP! To hell with them, and a good thing they didn't invite me they would've hell to pay for sure!... What? No!... That's crazy I hate Jessie, I'm not jealous how can you...." The brunette with the pink iPhone case stomped off with the notorious clicking of angry heels and a slowly quieting stream of whiny banter was left in her wake. She had a permanent pout that swayed to disgust, envy and nervousness within that the short bit Amara got to witness. Clearly this young women was not happy with the conversation.

She laugh a little to herself, she has seen the same brunette before, only mostly accompanied by the furious clicking of her manicured nails on her phone instead. The brunette rides the 23:45 on Wednesdays, she always assumed her voice would be whiny, it was kind of thrilling to see she was right. Amara has watched her for months and has determined that the poor girl has an exceptionally small factual understanding that the the world does not indeed revolve around her-

"-Hey! Watch where your going dude! Can't you see that I am standing here? What are you stupid? Go waste someone else's fucking time moron!" Amara turn back to toward the west exit were pink phone case girl head to and found her scowling at the hooded skater kid who may have almost run her over. Even though she didn't see, she's confident he didn't mess up. She's seen him before, he's crazy but very talented. She had to hold back audible laughter when she saw his hand twitch for his backpack, poor brunette has no idea he is one of the signature graffiti artists around here, and she may have just marked herself.

She loved watching people, "for the sake of data," she would say but it was probably more curiosity than anything. She would quietly observe the way people interacted with the world around them. It was so fascinating how predictably completely different people would behave, no matter special everyone thinks they are, a human is first and foremost a human. The best part about analyzing people was when she turns out to be wrong in her assessment.

Nothing was more exhilarating than for a human to be more then what is predictable. To go beyond the boundaries for unconscious following and become their own leader. She loved being proven wrong. On deeper assessments, she doesn't get around to those to much now days for the obvious reasons that will not be discussed, she dreaded the truth. Her mind never held back imagining the worst in people, on the bright side she was never surprised by their transgressions, anymore.

She lived by five maxims;

1. You cannot demand or expect anymore out of anyone than you do of yourself.

2. People are painfully human, if they can hurt you they will, it's only the matter of time and motivation that will determine the amount of pain. So assume everyone will let you down so if they do they don't catch you off guard and if they don't you get get to be pleasantly surprised.

3. You are just as awful as everyone else, probably worse, so don't think your a victim cause your also a villain in either some else's story or your own.

4. Always ask questions.

5. Try to tell the truth, if you can't do that you can have relationships.

This is all she lived by, every other thing she once leaned upon has crumbled under the weight of life. She hates life it was the pot if gold under a rainbow, nothing but an empty life believed in by the naive and protected. She has no real relationship anymore because it's just not worth the cost. She was the worst person she knew, why would she put anyone through knowing her? That, and well, EVERYONE SUCKS. So really no point in trying anymore. If she can't live up to her own standards why have any yeah?

"Uhh" she groaned, "why am I so damned cynical?" she through head back and in agitation. "Just calm down, don't give up just yet. I mean some people clearly found some kind of contentment or meaning, maybe u can find it too. So what if I'm a screwup? There are loads of happy screw ups! Maybe the new meds Dr Grey is prescribing will work this time! Yeah and maybe life will be better once I finish school and get that psychiatry job!" For a moment she felt herself, smile, and in some "haha your in pain" smile or a "wow this is such serious shit I will either laugh or cry" smile but a genuinely joyful smile. The first is a, really, long time.

"Maybe today might end better then normal, maybe there is some good left for me." She cautiously fed her weak dying optimism hoping it wouldn't end up completely rejected from her system. She yawned wanting to go home, wrap herself in her blankets and drift into a dreamless sleep. Her muscles and joints ached and her eyes were straining under the flickering lights of the subway bench.

A shiver ran through her as a chilly eastern draft echoed through the now vacant tunnel. It was getting late, even for her, but the frigded October air filling her lung eased her mind. She drew in a deep breath and watched the heat escape her body with the exhale. Despite the lower temperatures she unzipped her jacket. The cold was an invitation to a challenge, and a challenge she would never refuse. It almost felt like the cold east air was calling to her, drawing her in.

After sitting in the quiet a familiar voice bounced off the walls call her attention westward. She found the voice bubbling out of a heavily clothed, warn looking old man. He was wobbling in her direction with a slight limp. His voice, thick and accented, was muffed by the probably very high level of alcohol in his blood. He sang a song that she couldn't decipher as he drunkenly maneuvered his way onto his favorite bench a few yards away from her.

"How are you doing this fine evening Mr. Boehm? It's pretty late, are you headed home tonight?" Amara asked with a smirk, but she was worried she already knew the answer.

"Oh I'm fine as ever fraulein Emma! Fine as ever my dear! Oh and you know how beautiful this night is, my Lizzie loved nights like this you know," he said with a smile that was etched deep into his old wrinkled face it was one of those smiles you couldn't deny.

"I must be out tonight so she can hear, you know she listens in the wind fraulein, oh she does, she does." His voice slurred and thick with many emotions, his smile dims as his eyes glass over in tender remembrance. He looks towards the east with a sad smile, "Oh she loved nights like this, meine liebe Frau, she did. She is out tonight, I can feel her in the air. So I must, I-I must play for her Emma." His grand smile returned as he look over at Amara.

"Yes, your right Tobias, she would have loved this night I believe." She looked east as well and sighed, "If I could, would you let me listen with her tonight sir?"

"Why of course Mäuschen! The more the merrier, you remember how my schatz loved the parties!" He beamed at her with a hazing smile and slurred words but still she couldn't help but feel the genuineness of her heart.

She looked east again as if it had some kind if answer for her. Life was unfair to the kind Tobias Boehm. She didn't know what happened but assumed he had some kind of dementia or Alzheimer's and the alcoholism didn't help. Sighing again she just wished she could find wholeness somewhere, "why do we yearn for it so if it were unattainable?"

She looked back at him to find he was complete lost in the preparation of his violin. Tobias was one of the only people she spoke with outside of work or school and he didn't even call her by her name. She laughed a little at that, it was stuck somewhere between ironically funny and depressing.

Of course, months ago, when they first started running into each other on her late trips back from work she would correct him on her name. She learned that it was best to let it go, his old mind was wearing down and all that was left of him was the past. Emma, as he would call her, she presumed was his secretary at some point long ago. Unfortunately for Amara, Emma apparently refused to marry.

Most of the time she see him we would share his war stories, she liked those because even though they were always the same story they were different every time! Sometimes she would hear him speak of his old life and all the things he's live though and sometimes he'd rant on about how "no one know how to make a good hot dog anymore ." And on rare nights like this he would speak but mostly play for, "his Lizzy." It was his Lizzy that she loves to hear about the most.

The way he looked just thinking about her made Amara, the girl who cringes at the thought of even a friendship, grow into the most hopeless of romantics. And on these night he wouldn't even go home, he would just play and play until he fell sleep or the sun rose, he would play and play for his love just because she loves to hear him, he would play and play for "his Lizzy."

It was almost 01:00 in the morning but she didn't even mind anymore as Mr Boehm made the strings and bow sing their melodic song. Amara quickly but quietly got her sketch book and pen from her backpack and started capturing this moment before it was to late. Her eyes strained to hold back her tears, she didn't know why we are alive but it was moment like this that made her believe it had to be for a reason. It was moments like this that gave the life she's living meaning, even if it was just a little. It was moment like this she had to capture to remember for the, uh days, the days... sh-she uh well.. forgets. She needed this.

So she drew furiously, damn at this point she'd even settle for a pictu-

*Snap*

Just as she was wishing for a photo of this moment she heard the notorious sound if a camera, coming from the east. When she look she found a man kneeling down several yards away with a camera held to his face. Only now the lens stared her down.

*Snap*

Her lips parted and eyebrows knit together in confusion. Her head tilted to the side and the man took another couple of shots both of her and Tobias. If there was one thing that she could never control it was her curiosity. Like a shark locked on to the scent of blood her curiosity has been awakened. Only, she never knew who was to be the prey until it was too late.

Glancing back at Tobias she found he was still in his element. Oblivious to fact that he had admirers, or uh, stalkers depending on how one would see it. Pulling her eyes eastward again she found the mysterious photographer disappeared. "I must be seeing things now," she mumbled to herself.

"Mind if I sit here?"

She jumped at the deep low voice coming from behind her. She turned her head on a dime to find a man's face unnervingly too close to her face. She blinked a few times before. Before opening her month. Only to have silence to be her measly answer. It was to late for this.

She watched the man stare straight into her eyes for a little to long to then slowly stand up right from the slight crouched position her was in when he whispered in her ear. He walked around and sat himself down next to her.

"What the hell is happening tonight?" She asked herself as Mr Boehm continued to play and this strange stranger stared intensely at her. "I don't know but this won't end well I'm sure of it." Her cynical side responded to herself.

The strange man leaned in and said "You never answered my question and I hope you don't mind but I have another as well love." He smirked at her in a challenging manner.

"oh, well there went the good night I hoped for."