Her.

The cafe is completely empty, and the near-silence is buffered by the low music buzzing over the loudspeakers, giving the space a laidback ambiance. I can hear the bustling street outside, making my vivid loneliness ever so apparent. The walls of the cafe are layered in gray and obscure paintings while reds, oranges, and violets splash into the cafe through the window. I’m propped up against the cool stone of the back counter, using my thumb to scroll through my phone. Seconds after liking a girl’s picture a white banner comes down with the name: Nathan.

Amelia, why are you liking girls’ pics again??? I thought you were gonna work past this

lol so I’m not allowed to like pictures now??

You know I’m just trying to help...

maybe it was a cosplayer but it’s not like I was hitting on her

that still encourages it!! don’t forget it was you who came to me about this..

no I just came out to you, it was YOU who set up this plan to “cure me” or some shit

your lucky im being so nice about this

you’re**

... you’re on thin ice

I was about to respond when the door of the cafe opens, initiating the bell from the door. I prepare myself for a simple for the usual greetings until I glance up. I feel blood rush to my face and my eyes widen. A girl around my age is standing at the counter. The sunset that poured in through the windows glistens off of her blue hair like mirrors. Minuscule strands of blue frame her heart-shaped face and her warm, clouded brown eyes glaze over me. Her lips curl into a sweet smile as she walks to the register.

I could only stutter, “I, uh, hi, how are you?”

She chuckles softly, “I’m good, you?”

“Uh, fine, I’m fine,” I immediately blush at how monotonous my voice sounds. “What would like to get?”

She grins at me, “A hot chocolate with extra whip.”

My stomach does aerial flips at her smile, “Uh, that’ll be three dollars and eighty-seven cents.” I give her a lop-sided smile as she nods. “Uh, name?”

“Rain”.

What a beautiful name. The smell of water and forest. Shimmering puddles on the street. Small dots splattering against the windows. I glance up and watch her hair swing across her back as she walks to the corner of the cafe. She sits down and pulls out a sketch pad and pencil. Her left hand begins to scurry away across the paper. As I finish up her hot chocolate, I grab the leather journal that sits next to my phone, allowing a soft residue to sit on my fingers.

“One hot chocolate for Rain,” I half-shout. Her head jerks up at the sound of her name and she pushes herself out of the wooden chair. Her boots click against the tiled floor as she makes her way to the counter. She nearly turned around and left but her eyes dart over the counter just in time to see my journal.

“Do you write?”

“Yes. No. Kind of, “ I stutter. She chuckles to herself as I raise my eyebrow.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that you’re so adorable.” She gives me one last smile before going back to her corner. I feel my face heat up into a deep, flushed, red and I cover my face with my hands. I grasp for journal, feeling at ease as I slip it into my hands. I flip through the rough pages until I find a blank one. Before I put graphite on paper, my eyes dart up at her. The red, orange, and violet of the sunset have painted themselves across her face and reflected off of the blue of her hair. Her melted chocolate eyes are illuminated by the sun, and my hand begins scurrying away.

Vivid colors spill across her face

And her head is submerged in an ocean of blue,

Fire races through my veins when I look at her

And my stomach is like a den of butterflies

I am told how I feel is wrong

But I can’t help the emotions that sprint around my head

I am told I should deny it

But she shines brighter than gold

Like a guilty pleasure she will be gone soon

So I flourish in her presence

Her eyes are like melting gold in the sunlight

And they comfort me

The gray layers around me

Encourage my loneliness

The molds they give me to fit into

And ultimately lock me in

Cannot hold me when I’m with her

- Amelia

I exhale, relieved to let the tension out of my hands and onto paper. I glance up, hoping to fill my eyes with her presence once more, but she's gone. I lean back against the cold of the counter, relaxing. I’ll probably never see her again, but girls are my outlet from the stuffy closet I live in.

I turn towards the sink and pull the handle for the cold water and liquid began spilling out. I cupped my hands beneath it and splashed water on face, clearing my head. Drying my hands with a towel, I fish my phone out of my pocket to check if Nathan had anymore hideous things to say.

Remember that I can always tell your parents

I feel a lump grow in my throat. Waves of anxiety seem to pass through me. I try to forget that he could easily ruin my life, but attempting to keep those thoughts in the back of my head proves harder than one would think. Letting the water droplets dry on my face, I pick up my backpack and head towards the entrance. I push the glass door open, feeling the wind rush into me. I took one last look as I let the door close so I could lock up. Just as I turned around, I swore I saw her, but it was just a trick of the light.

I began walking home, tugging my sweatshirt around my chilled bones. I fish earbuds out of my pocket, along with my phone, and plug them into my ears, listening to the music empty itself into my brain. I zone out on the walk home, and soon enough, I arrive at my front door. The bleeding white steps that lead to the porch creak beneath me and the dark maroon door aches as I push it ajar. The scene of my father sleeping on the couch and my mother heading upstairs slams into my vision.

My mother's normally bunned up hair is loose and sits tousled against her shoulders, her crisp suit is ruffled and the bags beneath her eyes jut out. I give her a meek smile as I slide past her and up the stairs. The hallway is dark and envelops any light that passes through. I slip into the last door on the right, and let my backpack loosen from my shoulders and drop to the floor. Posters are nailed to the wall and an acoustic guitar sits in the corner. The walls are layered in a vivid blue, almost exactly like the girl’s hair.

I plop down onto my bed, letting the mattress cushion my fall, and lay there. My anxieties from earlier disperse from my body temporarily as music still spills faintly through my ears. As I sit there listening, I can hear my father rustle awake, and my mother racing down the stairs at the sound of his grunting. I close my eyes, building internal walls to block out the sound, but it only continued.

Red brick bleeds off the walls of the school. Masses of bodies shuffle amongst each other and meaningless conversations ensue. Anxieties take the form of vibrant colors and threaten to burst me. I stand in the center and I’ve never felt so alone, only for a flash of bright blue to enclose around my vision.

I wake with a thick sweat enveloping my body. I glance at the solid black alarm clock that sits on my nightstand. It illuminates a lime green, reading 3:24 AM. I sigh and throw my hand over my eyes. I grab my journal off of my nightstand and flip open to the last entry. My eyes glaze over the words, back and forth like a clock. Cannot hold me when I am with her. I continue reading the words, wishing they were true.

01-09-XX

Pools of anxieties sit in me when I’m around any girl. In a way it’s like I’m tiptoeing on eggshells. Everything is so loud and in my face and when I try to push the boundaries everything starts hurtling back at me. I try to expand my comfort zone and someone, anyone, is standing in front of the door, blocking my way. Every time I think I can trust someone, they screw me over, and I can’t bear to stand up again.

- Amelia

I return to staring at the ceiling when the pen leaves the now-inked paper.

I whisper the words under my breath, “Every time I think I can trust someone, they screw me over.”

My mind drifts back to when I first came out to Nathan. He was my best friend at the time, and he’d bought a massive bouquet of bright flowers and asked me to be his girlfriend.

I remember pulling his sweaty hand aside and saying, “Nathan, I’m gay.” I had felt like hurling as the words came out of my mouth for, most likely, the first time ever. At first, he supported me, which was a blessing in our small, conservative town.

However, nothing around here seems to truly last, and soon enough, he was sent off to Jesus camp by his mother. In her words it was to “reignite him”. But he came back a different person. He stopped calling me “Ames” and only by my full name. He immediately set up a plan to cure me. I initially rejected him, but he threatened my parents, and that was the last thing I needed.

I blink rapidly, bringing my mind back to the present. I set the journal back on my nightstand. I think about changing, but I stare at the ceiling, waiting for the overbearing silence of the room to be lessened and knock over dreamless sleep to come.

I wake up to the high pitched chirping of birds and the faint blaring of my alarm clock. My eyesight is glazed over from having just woken up, and I can barely make out my mother’s shape.

“Amelia, did you sleep in your clothes again?”

I raise a hand to protect my eyes from the light and reply rather monotonously, “Really? I didn’t notice.”

She sighs, “Amelia you know it’s not good for you.”

I roll my eyes, “I'll be fine. “

She eyes me.

I pull a hand over my face, “I’ll remember to put my pajamas on tonight.” She sighs in defeat and tiptoes out of the room. I sit up and glance at my alarm clock, which reads 6:45. I will my body to get out of bed and I trudge to the bathroom. Once I comb my thick, brown hair out and brush my teeth I head back to my room and shut the door. I throw on black sweatpants, a flannel, and combat boots.

The mirror that stands in the corner of my bedroom grips my reflection and I stare at it. Would today be the day that Nathan decides I am too masculine? That I dress for girls and not guys? Or will he give me another warning? My hands reach for my arms and rake at the cloth. Waves of anxiety hit me like a million knives all sinking into my skin at once. I feel sweat multiply and take over my forehead. I grip my arms and sink into the wall. I probably would’ve began screaming if I hadn’t seen my alarm clock, reading 7:18.

I tear off my clothes and put on skinny jeans and a sweater paired with ankle boots. I stare at my reflection and feel my body tense up. The jeans hug my curves in all the right places, and I hate it. I stand there and choked on my own sob, only moving to pick up my backpack. 7:25. Nathan would approve. I shake my head in disgust and leave. I jog down the stairs and into the kitchen. I grab a banana from the basket at the center of the stone island and turn on my heel, headed for the door.

“Honey, aren’t you going to have something else?” I turn around to see my mom walking into the kitchen.

“No, it’s the first day and I’m gonna be late.”

“Hon, you should wear a coat, it’s cold this time of year.” She walks past me and to the front door, retrieving a winter coat from the adjacent hanger. She placed it in my arms and gave me a smile like honey.

I throw it over my shoulders, “Thanks mom.” And with that I leave through the front door and head towards the sidewalk.

I sigh in disappointment as the high school crawls into my field of vision. School means people, and people means Nathan, and Nathan means him breathing down my neck. I walk across the bustling parking lot and onto the sidewalk. Masses of bodies rush in front, behind, and past me. I slip through the massive glass doors and into the main hall, whilst getting shoved at least three times.

I spot the back of a familiar head of dark, curly hair and rush over to them. Just as I come to a stop they turn around and grin in a way that makes my heart skip a beat. Her hazel eyes sparkle as they glide over me, causing me to return her smile.

She wraps me into a hug, “Ames! I haven’t seen you in forever!”

I give her a sheepish smile, “It’s been two weeks Eris.” My arms jitter back as I feel them grasp for longevity in the embrace. I want to keep smiling, and I want to keep feeling safe, but just as I relax I see a familiar set of piercing blue eyes that make me shudder.

Nathan struts over, a smirk climbing its way onto his mouth as he slips his arm around Eris and pulls her close. He glares at me as he tickles her and a pang of immense guilt finds its way onto my shoulders.

“Nate, stop,” Eris chokes out between giggles. I turn my head away from his gaze, and I focus on opening my locker. Nate. I used to call him that, before I came out and before he decided he was Jesus on earth, coming to cleanse the wicked and help the sick. The thought of calling him that now fills me with disgust.

I fling my backpack into the cold metal space and pick out a few items for class. I slam my locker shut and turn towards Eris, who is leafing through papers, hoping she’ll glance up at me with her beautiful hazel eyes. I shake my head, and Nathan’s eyes dart to me, and his glare only intensifies.

Eris glances up at me from her class schedule, “Ames, you okay?”

“Oh yeah, no, I’m fine.” What a lie. “School hasn’t even started and I already hate it.”

She laughs, “It really do be like that sometimes.” Her laugh sounded like bells and I smile in return. “What do you have first period?”

“Maybe American Lit.? I can’t remember.”

She laughs a second time as she begins to walk away, “Good, hopefully, I’ll see you there.” She and Nathan are suddenly gone and have merged with the mass of students and I’m alone again. I sigh and sift out my class schedule from the binder in my arms. The slot for first period read American Literature, and I exhale in relief.

The thing is, Eris and I aren’t even technically friends, we just know each other through Nathan. I used to have a group that I hung out with, but Nathan was intent that I didn’t hang with “those kinds of people” and I could either stop hanging out with them or be outed to everyone. And in my small, conservative town, being gay isn’t a good thing. Eris is like my small rebellion, along with girls that walk through the coffee shop, against Nathan and all the forces driving against me. I figure that if I’m still checking out girls than nothing they do is really working.

Soon, if enough, I’m standing in front of my classroom door, and part of me wants to bash my head in, but a more immense part wants to glare at Nathan while I sit down. I choose the latter.

The second I walk in the door, my heart skips a beat and all the air in my lungs is suddenly gone. A mop of blue sits in the corner, staring out of the stained window. Melting chocolate eyes flicker to me and smile, and suddenly I feel all the blood in my body sprint to my cheeks.

I feel as though thousands of arms have grabbed and rooted me where I stand. I don’t move until I feel someone come up behind me. There were two empty seats in the room, one at the front next to Eris and one next to her.

I immediately begin walking towards Eris and slide into the seat next to her. I glance back at her, only to find pools of dark brown watching my every move. In desperation to ignore her, I open my textbook and begin skimming through the pages.

Eris’ eyes flicker towards me, “Ames class hasn’t even started and you’re already reading? Jesus.”

I scoff, “I’ll have you know it makes it easier to not pay attention in class later, you need to think long-term.”

She shrugs in return, “Fair enough.” She raises her eyebrows, “However, we won’t be paying attention whether we read ahead or not.”

“Fair enough,” I say, attempting to mimic her voice. She chuckles in return, and I feel tiny weights fall off of my shoulders.

But they crawl right back up when I see Nathan get up and go to the back of the room, only to slide into the seat next to her. I watch his face morph into flirt mode, and he start talking her ear off from the looks of it. He makes large gestures and even tries to reach his arm around her waist, which she rejects. I quickly glance at Eris, who’s thankfully scrolling through her phone. Anger begins brewing in my stomach because one, he’s ‘supposedly’ dating Eris, and two, she’s- I don’t know what she is.

I feel a sense of ease as I see her visibly ignore his efforts, which, to my amusement, puts a massive scowl on his face. I even see her flip him off to continue staring out the window, which fills my chest with pride.

Class goes on like normal, and in a way, I’m glad Eris didn’t notice, because deep down, I know that Nathan will break her heart, and I won’t be able to hold myself back when that happens.