Unofficially Yours

"What are you doing here? " Jelou ask while sitting down next to me.

"Just." I answered. I look at Jelou, my gay bestfriend. Who is more girlish and prettiest compared to me but never resorted to any use of medical plastic surgery. He has natural beauty that is the envy of everyone. High define cheekbones, long prominent nose, long eyelashes and perfectly shaped eyebrows. If he decided to become a straight man he'd leave many hearts broken but sadly he has a heart of gold and a heart towards the same sex.

I sigh and turn my attention back to where I was looking before Jelou appeared. I am really not looking at anything in particular; I didn't even notice that I am in front of a huge garbage bin and was sitting at a jagged rock the size of my head near the septic tank of our church's public toilet. I am lost in my thoughts and didn't know that my feet lead me here in search for a quieter place. It is a quiet place alright but not perfectly acceptable in aligning my disarray of thoughts.

I sigh again and put my chin at my propped knees. My hiding place is busted so I have to leave but I don't even have the energy to get up and find a new place to skulk. I release a very long sigh and rest my left cheek at my knees and look at Jelou sideways. Both of my arms are on my side criss-crossing my thighs underneath and clutching the side of my jeans holding my knees in place.

Jelou was looking at me like I have something to say, something aside from 'just' that I utter. And that's the problem, I can't say something, my mind isn't even properly working let alone my mouth that is quite dependable on my thoughts. I was the type of person that have to think twice before speaking, to arrange and practice saying my thoughts in my head before I have the courage to talk.

Oftentimes I wonder why did I pursue being a nurse when it requires talking to patients or why did I accept being a youth adviser in our Church's Youth Ministry when I hate being in the limelight. It was Jelou's fault and maybe mine when I was swayed by his sweet-talking, saying I was perfect for the task because I have a lot of fresh ideas that will help improved the Ministry as well as the youth. Maybe if I hadn't accepted... I guess it really is my fault after all. I was just blaming Jelou to keep my heart at ease, to keep me at ease.

It's no use blaming now, nothing can change something that happens in the past, actually I can change it if I quit now but I am in too deep, I am quite fond of the ministry now. I grew to like this family. It changed me, change me a lot.

"What?" I finally ask after a long silence when no one of us spoke. He was just looking at me and it is grating my nerves that his eyes had a glint in them that tells me that he knows something and is just waiting for me to ask for it.

"Is this about that school reunion that you once talk about two months ago?" I grimaced. It's unfortunate that I have a bestfriend that knows me like I know every korean actor and actresses in Korea, and I almost knew every one of them. I have a checklist of korean dramas and movies per year it was released and I keep track of it everyday.

And for the nth time today I sigh, and this time it wasn't involuntary. I'm weary and in need of sleep, I haven't slept a wink since yesterday. I barely got out of the house with my mom prodding about my unusual eyebags, she knows about my korean dramas addiction and that I usually sleep after midnight but I still never ever have bags under my eyes, until now. Thoughts won't leave my mind, thoughts about the upcoming school reunion, and thoughts about my college friends requesting or better yet demanded that I really have to go and thoughts about a certain black-eyed man that keeps popping up my mind. I have a very hard time sleeping and before I know it, dawn breaks. I can't even sleep in the morning seeing as I work as a public nurse in our Town's health center.

Today is the day that I'm supposed to relax but I can't find peace in my room where I usually go if I needed my alone time. So I decided to get my pretty lazy ass out of my bed and just camp over here in the church to hopefully find solace and find my answers. But I didn't wish my answer to be in a form of my bestfriend, he is brutally honest and knows me a lot. I'd rather like my answers in a form of enlightenment.

"You can't keep running away, you know? He said after I decided to remain silent. "How many school reunions did you pass? Three? Four? "

I turn my head in the right direction and replied in a very small voice. "Two. It will be three if I decided to ditch this one too."

"And you wouldn't." He said with clear indignation that makes me whip my head in his direction at his sudden outburst. His eyebrows furrowed with his lips formed in a straight line, his eyes are slanted in a fierce way daring me to contradict his statement.

And like the idiot that I am ask him why.

"Why?

"Why why?"

"Why why what?" I ask and got confused.

What are we talking about again? I got confused with question being answered by the same question.

When Jelou saw my confusion he just sighs and picks a random pebble and throws it at the garbage bin. He missed throwing it at the center, he picks another pebble and this time it was a clean shot.

"Why are you so skeptical in leaving? And just for once enjoy that school reunion with your college friends. "

I don't have the answer to that. Even if I did, he wouldn't understand. No one did.

"Afraid? Scared? Why?" He answered all the reasons why I am so adamant with my decision. If my college friends didn't contacted and demanded that I go, I wouldn't be in this predicament right now. It was fine the first and second time when I made excuses but they wouldn't give a shit now saying it was bullshit. And if I indeed decided not to attend, they threaten me to come here in Bukidnon haul my ass out of my place, kidnapped me, gag me and fly me to Cebu to be ship out of Cebu to a small island with the man I am afraid to meet, Daniel. They're pretty scary and their threats are not to be taken lightly and to shut them off, I'd taken a week worth of leave to satisfy them.

"Yes!" I say exasperated. I grab my head in frustration and scratch it unknowingly letting my waist length hair fall in its messy bun. "I'm afraid to meet Daniel! I'm scared that my old feelings will resurface that I've kept lock up for years!" I say with tears slowly forming in my eyes. That's why I hate confrontation, it makes me cry even if it wasn't my fault, I don't like feeling weak."I hate getting hurt again when I don't have the right. " I whisper in a broken voice when my tears fall down.

Jelou didn't say anything and just hold my shoulder and place my head in the crook of his neck. When I calmed down a bit, I slowly break from his grasp and wipe my tears away. I don't even know why I am crying when I was just telling the truth. Sometimes I hate my personality.

Jelou grab the band of my hair in the ground and without saying a word braid my hair in a fancy fishtail.

Daniel and I have a certain history. I wouldn't call it a history we're just acquaintances. We meet during my third year at college, he was the school owners grandson and he was studying medicine. I already had a crush on him when I first laid my eyes when he was just passing by. I didn't know then that he was the grandson until I got to know him when he congratulated me in winning the poetry contest at the school. I planned to stay away and just watch him from afar, we're worlds apart, he was obviously rich and I was just studying at their school under scholarship program with our local government. But he didn't let me; he befriended me and my friends. Fine by me, atleast then I wouldn't sneak glances at him; I have the opportunity to stare at him when he talks and laugh. However, he started flirting, showering me with praises that no one did and making promises. I got afraid and started to stay away, I have the risk of falling in love. But he was consistent, saying I am beautiful when no one dared say it to me. I have the lowest self-esteem. I find myself at the lowest rank in terms of beauty in our department, so him saying that I am beautiful makes my heart flutter thinking that maybe I have the chance to be inlove.

It's uncontrollable, I did indeed fall but he wasn't there to catch me. It left me battered, bruised and hurt but I still love him despite that. We were never in a relationship, never a couple but I spent my years trying to move on.

So I stayed away, work my ass off and cut all of my connection to him. It works, I'd forgotten my feelings for him but sometimes I'd imagine what it's like to be his. I don't have any residual feelings for him but I can't control when my mind wanders around that's why I'm afraid.

"I've moved on and I don't want to do it over again. " I say after I've completely calm down.

"Did you, Really?

I got taken aback by his question. He never asks me that when I confessed to him years ago. He believed me when I said I'm over him, my other friends believed me too.

"Yes. " I said with determination. I'm over him, completely over him. I can now even accept suitors that are trying to court me.

"Then prove it. Go to that school reunion and make him regret that he left you! " He strongly said to me while holding my eyes in a stare off. I look away first, I got intimidated by his stare that its making me nervous.

Jelou suddenly stand up. I look at him while he was dusting his pants with dirt, when he was done he walk away with his hands in his pockets.

Before he take his turn to take the stairs that led upstairs in our youth lounge he look at me again. "I already booked you a ticket. I'll send it to your email, pay me later. If you didn't ride that plane, you'll pay me ten times the amount. It's up to you." He said with a smirk and flips his hair before walking away.

I stare at him in disbelief and release a long breath.

Damn fucking honest bestfriends!!!

I hit my head and send a silent apology to the people above.