Was It Just a Dream?

September 5, 2018: Wednesday

5:42 PM

Fear is inescapable

Maybe you should jump off the window.

Yeah! That would be fun. You'll feel like a bird for the first few seconds, then you'll feel nothing at all.

It would be great.

They’re my friends. My guidance. My family. They're not the best at giving advice, but they're always there when I'm alone. They're my everything.

Thanks bud.

That's real sweet. But don't forget to jump.

You should jump.

They're not here all the time, but they can get really loud when they are.

Was that an insult, Stu?

He's getting sassy!

I like it! Keep it up!

They're voices that trekked the back of my mind. Whispers and mumbles that followed me everywhere since I was twelve.

They're really something.

We haven't talked in a while. They've been dormant for the past few weeks.

I missed them.

You should look at yourself

You probably look like shit

Wow! You smell great!

But they did get annoying at times.

The whistling of the kettle kept me away from my thoughts. I didn't feel it as I took it off the stove and the burn of the handle was more calming than painful.

I was merely going through the motions again.

My fingers glided across the counter, through the cupboards and into drawers. I opened a sachet and poured it into my mug. Steam puffed out from the kettle. The instant coffee tasted horrible.

I added two spoonfuls of sugar.

You'll get type 2 diabetes at this rate.

Do you want to die early?

That's not a bad idea actually.

I added another scoop and some cream.

I sat back by my desk and opened my laptop. Editing took a few hours. Updating my blog took another thirty minutes. The sun was starting to set when I started. The stars were shining high now.

My mind grew foggy, but it was still too early. By a quarter past ten, I was halfway through my book report.

And then I heard the ringing.

It was soft, scarily so. It was barely a whisper against the affable quiet surrounding me, but its repetitive tune brought something new. Things weren't as bland with it playing.

Maybe I should have listened to music when things got monotone. I've heard it makes life more colorful.

I answered the call.

“I just got a date, dude! Can ya believe it? And she's hot too!”

I fiddled with the hem of my shirt. I forced myself to smile, though it didn’t matter.

“Hello to you too, mate,”

He chuckled.

“Sorry. It's just- this is the best thing that happened to me all month,”

“And why are you telling me this?"

“Cuz I know you're nocturnal! Everyone else is probs asleep,”

“Not true. It's still pretty early,”

“Okay, you got me there. I just wanted to tell you. You're my best bro after all!”

“Then, couldn't it have waited ‘till tomorrow morning? We'll meet up for coffee anyway,”

He chuckled again.

“C’mon, dude! I'm finally not one of the single guys in the gang anymore!”

“But, there were only two to begin with, just you and me remember? Weren't we gonna curse all the taken people together?”

I laughed. I hoped it didn't sound too loud. It was just a joke. I had no reason to be worked up.

“You've got nothing to worry about though. You've got, like, the best grades, you're really fucking good looking, and, you have an actual fan base. So, there's obviously no problem,”

He's funny.

Is he like this all the time?

You think he's gay?

“Stop that, dude. Any more flattering and I'll be falling for you,”

Pushing the voices aside, I tried my best to sound as lighthearted as possible. No malice, no anger, no sadness.

Nothing but calm.

That's what I needed to be right? Calm. Chill. Relaxed. There was nothing to worry over. Nothing at all.

“Sorry,” He was wheezing, “I’m just saying, if you actually wanted a date, then you won't have a problem finding one. I mean, you can't seriously be satisfied with just one night stands, can you?”

Nobody would ever like him.

Why would they even think about liking him?

He's lucky he gets to sleep with people. It's a miracle, really.

“I’m just not interested in serious stuff right now. I wanna spend my college days free and I don’t want to be held back,”

“Relationships don't hold you back, dude! They're really cool!”

“I'm not sure I should take your word for it. Have you ever popped your cherry?”

“Low blow, bro. And for the record, I'm waiting for the right one. I want it to be memorable, ya know?”

“You're gonna die a virgin,”

“I won't. You'll see, I'm gonna tell you everything. Every detail, how she moaned, how long we lasted. EVERYTHING,”

He was seriously laughing now. His laugh was really cute. He was adorable.

“I gotta go. I haven't finished reflecting on A Separate Peace. Bye, Jacob,”

I wasn't lying, but I honestly just didn't want to listen to him ramble about how straight he was.

“I need to sleep too. Don't stay up too late. I know it's still ten, but remember you need to rest too, okay?”

“Of course, buddy. See you tomorrow, ”

“Love ya, Stuart,”

Don't you just wish he loved you like how you love him?

Oh, sweet unrequited attraction. How pitiful.

HAHAHAHAHA! Pathetic.

He ended the call.

“I love you too.”