I Miss You

I miss you.

I never thought I would hear myself say that, but I do.

Growing up I had never allowed myself to care. That had been my mantra. Do not care, do not hope, and never trust.

You broke that.

You taught me it was alright to care, that it was safe to trust, within limits. You taught me that I was not just a throw away child destined for the scrap heap. You taught me that I had potential, that I could be more than what I was.

You taught me to hope.

Then you took it away.

You fed me small pieces of my past, dribs and drabs you said you had gathered over the years, but you knew more than you were telling, you even showed me the envelope you had that held the answers I had been searching for my whole life.

Yet still you kept them out of my reach.

But I let it go, after all you saved me from going back to Juvenile hall, a place that I still feel, was worse than hell.

I owed you.

That was the problem though. I owed you.

I know now, I owe you NOTHING.

You lied to me.

You failed me, my sister and my mother.

You were supposed to save us.

You failed.

Then I try to help the one man who knew where I could find answers, the one man who had knowledge of my father and you stop me.

'He has an encrypted Chinese computer and satellite uplink.'

Well of course I do. You gave it to me, to 'protect' me from being found by my family's enemies.

You gave me the up-link as having no furniture and a high speed internet connection might have caused suspicion in the neighbors.

You turned it on me, because I needed time. Time to find some answers on my own, time to see if I could find them.

What are you trying to hide?

Why didn't you tell me about my father being in Russia when I was there? I don't for one moment think you didn't know…. Did you?

I did what I needed to for my own peace of mind. I kept it out of the agency, I had no idea what I was going to find, however, you had to know, I would never sell out my team or my country.

Or is than your problem. My country?

I am loyal to this country, the one I live in. I may be Romanian, I may be a Russian... I may be neither, who knows. But I am loyal to my agency and my team, my actions in the past must have proved that.

You turned my team on me.

You had to know that would hurt.

Sam grabbed me and in a heartbeat, I nearly lost the person I was closest too, the only person I trusted more than you.

I am lucky that he trusts me too.

I escaped, heading towards my answers, then you broke me.

You broke any trust we had left, you broke your word. You hurt me intentionally.

You could have asked me, pleaded with me yelled at me even. How could you have done that to me. I looked at you, like a mother. You were the matriarchal figure in my life. I would have gladly died to keep you safe and you tasered me.

You hurt me, not just physically, but deep down in my soul. The one person I put above everyone in my life, the one person I looked up to as a paragon of good, the sort of parent I would want to be if I ever had children and you betrayed that.

Your fall from my grace was not dramatic, it was spectacular.

Like a chastised child, I gave ground, I came to apologize and explain, only to be told I was too late?

Too late for what?

Too late to be forgiven? Too late to return to what we had? Too late for me to be your son?

I know my place now, and I know yours.

You will never again be the woman who loved an unloved child. The woman who saved me from my enemies, the woman who, when no one else could hear I would call mother.

You are my boss and I am your tool to use. You may cut my hair, style my clothes, control every facet of my life, but you will never again hurt me.

I will continue to back up my team. I will give them my trust and I will never betray them.

But I will never trust you again. I will follow your orders so you don't hurt them in your quest to control me.

But... Mother... I will miss you.