it's called a new beginning
1
my feet dance on the edge of the roof, the wind bellowing in my hair, strands are getting everywhere. my outstretched arms are helping with my balance. like a bird that wants to be set free, only wingless.
my arms don’t count for wings.
i am calm, taking deep breaths, satisfied with just standing there, playing with my fate.
there are strands in my eyes now. i move to push my hair out of my face, an arm now occupied.
i am still balanced.
i am still calm.
i take a deep breath and feel my heart soar in my throat. freedom seems so close.
events run through my head giving me a whiplash. if anything is going push me to my final destination, it will be my mind.
it always is with the likes of us.
the weak ones.
we commit in the most disgusting ways, at least it seems like that in the eyes of others.
only then do they know our names and find morsels of caring cells in their bodies.
i take another deep breath and open my eyes, of course i had them closed, the world seems better that way. when it’s dark and empty and you’re alone. it’s the most peaceful.
the most safe.
i am broken. but everyone knows that, right?
i blink my eyes as they get tear-y from the wind blowing in them. the wind is picking up, and i can feel my gown stretch around my ankles, only to completely leave their embrace and come back again.
i am feeling hurt.
so hurt.
why does feeling hurt so much, i wonder.
my mind doesn’t give me an answer.
it never does unless it wants to give what i don’t want to hear.
that mind is the same mind that watched me toss in bed, clutching the sides of my head as i screamed for it to stop.
it never did.
maybe it will.
when i leave, maybe it will.
i take one step forwards, my toes now curling on the edge. the rubble beneath my feet is digging persistently. the pain is nice.
i plant my feet more firmly and feel the rocks cut into my feet. it feels good.
i press harder and don’t scream when something sharp gets lodged into the soles of one of my feet.
it won’t hurt for long. besides, it feels good.
i take a shuddering breath and pick one foot up, not the one that’s wounded. the other one.
i let out a small whimper when all my weight shifts to my injured foot.
it feels good.
my arms are still outstretched.
i take one last deep breath and jump, my two feet not feeling anything beneath them for a second, and then it’s all a whir of whites and blacks.
bye, world, you were horrible to me.
