Lukewarm Dreams

There were few days when Lily's disappearance wasn't the first thought to greet me in the mornings, fewer still in which I am not reminded then immediately of why I am here in the first place. But this morning was the exception. I had, just for a moment, found something to look forward to in this new place I almost called home.

I don't feel as I have betrayed her, though. I would never. It had been two and a half years since I arrived on this island, and I know I had done all I could and still was doing all I could to find her. The more I learn about this place the more I am convinced I will see her one day casually walk up to me as if no time has passed. I am not sure if it is the calm of this island talking, or the wine I had the night before, but somehow on this day I felt like everything was going to work out.

The first few months I was here were tense and frustrating for my hysterical self, terrorizing all the locals and law enforcement. Since then I have learned that things do not work that way in this country. The first year I was restless and determined, and I got nowhere. I learned since then to play along and start a life here if I am ever going to have a chance at finding her again. Play the long game, I would convince myself, and I become just a bit more hopeful.

Today, however, was the Dawn of the Pool, first event in the series of activities which lead up to the ceremonious gathering at the harbor. I have no interest in the ceremony itself, it is not a tradition that I am loyal to, yet the Pool is something else.

Mila was already waiting outside my building when I texted her on my way out the door.

“We did say 9, didn’t we?” she murmured.

“Yeah, I texted you”, I replied, hoping she would accept that as an apology rather than an excuse.

“Just get in the car”, she said, unamused.

The drive to the stadium was quiet, as expected. The relationship between Mila and me is hard to put into words. The only thing we have in common is our love for Lily. Mila is, I realized, what I was to Lily back in the States. I was more than Lily’s best friend, more family than anyone else was for her. In her emails during the first year, Lily had mentioned Mila, and I was relieved that she found family in this foreign country. The fact that Mila is so different from Lily and me contributed to my feeling that Lily had changed from the girl I knew and understood so well. I am still trying to decide whether or not I am happy about that.

The stadium was already packed when we arrived, which allowed Mila to conveniently sit in the row behind me. She did not try to hide the fact that she didn’t want to be near me. I tried not to think about it as I sat by myself in my seat with Mila at my rear left side.

Daphne saw me right away and ran over to me.

“I was looking for you!” Daphne said breathlessly.

“What’s up? Your mother knows you’re here, right?”

“Umm...”

“Daph?”

“Well, kinda.”

“Alright, just stay close, okay?”

This was the way it usually was with Daphne. Her mother Margaret never seemed to be concerned with where Daphne was at any time. The ceremony was about to begin and the crowd grew a little more quiet. Daphne was small for her age, and I let her sit on my lap for the show. She said something to me and at the same time there appeared to be some commotion of people arguing a few seats to my right. Her words were drowned out.

“Sorry, Daph, what was that?”

“I’m thirsty,” She said while pointing to a juice box I had in my bag, which I actually had packed for her. I didn’t let her know that.

“You know I am not allowed to give you anything to drink without your Mom’s permission. Could you call her to check with her first?”

I thought myself quite clever to use this as a way to make sure she tells her mother that she is with me and that she is safe. It didn’t surprise me that her mother didn’t keep an eye out for where her daughter was, but I hoped for Daphne’s sake that someday these small gestures could make a difference. Daphne picked up her phone and speed-dialed Margaret’s number.

“Hey! I’m talking to you!” Someone called out one aisle away. He was a tall man with wide shoulders and muscular arms, and a serious face that shows he is not fooling around.

“Me?” I said while holding Daphne a bit closer.

“The kid. Who the hell is she calling? Give me the phone!”

“No one! I mean, she is just calling her mother! What’s going on?”

“Now!” He was walking over to us now, just two strides and he would be within reach of us. “Do I look like I’m joking? Give me the fucking phone! Think you’re so clever, huh? Calling the police ain’t gonna do you any good now.”

He was hovering over us now.

“What are you talking about?”

I held Daphne tighter, taking the phone from her ear and glanced at the screen. Margaret hadn’t picked up yet. The man yanked the phone away from my hand and threw it past the rows of seats to the ground of the stadium. The cheap phone shattered and the pieces flew in all directions. It was only then did I have a look around me and notice the chaos that broke out around us. A few dozen men were scattered throughout the stadium bleachers, some were similarly armed with batons, and a few with assault rifles.

“No one can help you now,” he said with a smirk.

With incredible speed, he grabbed Daphne by her little arm and pulled her away from me. I held on to her as hard as I could, but in seconds he still managed to separate us.

“No!” I cried out, “What is the matter with you?”

But he was too strong. And the smirk never left his face. Tears were streaming down mine, which matched Daphne’s helpless face, looking back at me, kicking and screaming. I fought him as hard as I could but his left arm was blocking all my hits, while he held Daphne with his right arm, just out of reach from me. One of the other men, a thinner man but just as strong, walked over.

“What the fuck are you taking the kid for?” The thinner man said

“Cuz I felt like it. Just bring her out back to Cap.”

The first man shoved me hard once and I fell over knocking into the seats. I was trying to get up when the thin man held out an army knife with his free hand and warned me to stay back. I froze as I watched him take Daphne away, crying out loud now that I knew there was nothing I could do.

Mila walked over to me and extended a hand to help me up. I took it without looking up. I recognized it was her hand because of the charms she always wore on her left wrist. When I did look up at her face, however, I noticed her expression was not one of concern for me, but a look of disgust that I had never seen before on her face. For some reason I couldn’t comprehend, the way she looked at me at that moment hurt more than the fall and the bumps I took. I didn’t know what to say.

“What the hell are you doing with the Conner girl? I kept telling you to not encourage her. You always let her run away from her mom like that. What are you going to do now? How are you going to take responsibility for this?” Mila came at me with only blame for what happened to Daphne.

“I didn’t mean...to... How was I...supposed...to...know...,” was all i could murmur between my sobs.

Mila’s expression softened a little, almost looking concerned. The next moment it was gone, and the disgust and annoyance was back.

“There’s nothing we can do now. Stop crying about it. Come on, let’s get out of here and figure out what is going on now,” she said as she turned and walked away, without checking to see if I had followed. I followed with a good distance between us. I couldn’t handle it if I did or said anything else to make her resent me more.