Chapter 1
"What do you think you're doing?"
He asked me, as if I was doing something strange.
"What?"
"I will not ride you to school and watch you listen to music."
"Then don’t look at me."
"That's impossible."
He said in a charming, yet nerve-wrecking way.
"Oh, shut up."
"You will not avoid the conversation."
"What conversation?"
"You know very well what I'm talking about."
"No. Uh uh. We are not having a conversation. It's morning and we are going to school .That's already 2 things I don’t like. Let's not make them 3."
"And what would the 3rd one be?"
"Me talking to you. I need to be relaxed and I can only be that when I listen to music."
I'm a fucking liar. I love talking to him. I love hearing him talk even if we are fighting.
"You were relaxed yesterday. Not listening to music but kis-"
"No. Don’t remind me of that. I was not relaxed. I was…disgusted."
Saying it over and over again breaks my heart. I want to tell him how happy I feel whenever he kisses me, whenever he even touches me.
But I can't.
I told that many times and I'll say it again.
I can't bind him to me. He deserves some other girl. Not so broken and fucked up like me.
"Are you sure about that?"
"Positive."
"Let's do it again then and see."
He said, leaning closer to me. I can't do this again. I can't give in.
"No! Stop!"
I said pushing him away.
This is pure torture for me. Pushing him away when I want to pull him to me.
"Why?"
"Because you disgust me."
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do."
"Come on…"
He said, almost whining.
"No. You can't do this all the time."
He can't. He really can't. It's not good for him. For us.
"Do what?"
His eyes are now concentrated on the road.
"Kiss me whenever you screw up. You constantly do this. You screw something up and you kiss me. You screw up again and kiss me. Always the same cycle. Again and again."
"Liz…"
Oh…How much I love hearing him say my name that way…
"No. Don’t say my name like that. Not with that tone. And it's Elizabeth, you jerk."
"I'm sorry. Okay?"
He repeated what I have heard a thousand times already.
"You don’t get to be sorry. You don’t get to apologize only to do the same thing again."
He looked slightly lower, like he felt ashamed.
"I just..-"
"The only reason I now am in this car with you is my sister not being able to drive me to school. You just happened to be there, insisting to take me to school. You were not my choice . You were just there and I was in need of a mean of transport. I wouldn’t even be in England if my parents…-"
I stopped talking before I say something I shouldn’t. I became silent and looked outside.
"If your parents what..?"
"That's not the point. The point is…I didn’t choose to be here and I certainly did not want to meet you."
"You don’t mean that Liz."
I don’t. I don’t mean a single word of what I just said.
"God! Stop calling me that! I hate you like an angel could hate hell!"
I don’t mean that either. And right now, he is the angel here. I am hell. This is always what it's going to be like. He has to leave me alone. For good. For his own good.
"You can't mean that."
His tone…The way he was nervously looking at the road while his hand were trembling on the steering wheel gave away his feelings.
"But I do."
I continue. Even though I can already see the consequenses. Why can't he be like the others? Why can't he leave me, this hell of a mess, and just not talk to me ever again? But most importantly, why does it feel different with him? Why do I feel like I don’t want him to leave me?
"You don’t …You…you can't be…"
"I fucking hate you! Why can't you get that?"
"Because I don’t, okay? I don’t hate you and I don’t want for you to hate me! I am fucking in love with you! God damn it!"
My heart melted when I heard it and I couldn’t stop repeating it in my mind.
"Don’t you ever say that again!"
"Why? Is it too much for you to bear Elizabeth? Huh? Or am I just too disgusting for you to fucking accept that?"
In the days that I've known him, I never heard him say my actual name and it just feels too wrong hearing it from him.
"It's not that, Eric."
"If it's not that then I don’t know what it is. But either you like it or not, accept it. You have to deal with me being in love with you."
Why does it feel so good? What is this feeling and this tingling inside my heart and stomach? While I was trying to figure out what that was, everything was silent. Until I heard him scream and when I looked, his body got on top of me, covering mine. Protecting me. And then it happened. The crash.
I can feel some strong force hitting my head and for a second I felt peace. But a few moments later I heard Eric. He was gasping for air, screaming out of pain. He screamed my name and I tried to talk or touch him but it felt so hard.
'Liz.'
That’s the name he screamed.
And that was what gave me courage.
Don’t die, Elizabeth.
No matter how much you wanted it once, don’t die.
Live.
Live to love him.
Live to be his Liz.
But I can't, I thought. My past is holding me back.
Erase it, then. For him. For Ric.
My mind felt lighter. Like some weight finally got off.
And suddenly, I was really at peace.
