Loving Him

I walked along the sidewalk leading to the park. This was the moment where I should have felt relieved or even happy but I didn’t. Not having my son’s dad in the picture was great but although Alejandro decided two months ago to stop taking care of me and his son financially he didn’t even spare me a dime or even looked twice before leaving with his new wife. I let out an annoyed sigh.

“Mommy whats wrong?” my 4 year old son Michael asks me while looking at my in concern. I lightly squeeze his hand to reassure him.

“Oh honey, I am fine. Now go on and play” I told him. Signaling for him to run around and go to the swings. But he didn't move.

“Mommy when is dad coming for us?” he asks sadly. "Michael, daddy is very busy at work and he is out of the state but when he has time he will send you an awesome toy okay" I say putting on a brave face. "Okay!" he yells happily as he walk towards the swings.

Seeing my son smile was the best therapy their could ever be. But with bills pilling up smiling was something I had rarely done. I could only muster a fake and brave smile to my son because I could bare for him to look at me while i’m breaking down. I had to be strong and I had to get my shit together if I want to give my son the life he deserves.

When I became pregnant with Michael at the young age of 18 I didn’t bother to go to college. I got my high school diploma and that summer after high school graduation I spent my days either craving sweets or crying while I kept getting fatter and fatter. After I gave birth to Michael I had decided that I could go to college and get a degree in Business. But as usual Alejandro was not on board with my decision so he shut that down and now I am here with only the skills off a housewife with only a high school diploma. No college degree. No experience and in need of a good job.

It never crossed my mind that I would have had to have a stash of money saved up in case of an emergency. I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with Alejandro. We were going to get married we were going to go to college together. But after I became pregnant the idea of putting a ring on my finger or giving me his last name was out of the table. For 4 years I had to endure the hard reality that Alejandro never wanted a child. He only wanted me. Who was I kidding. He didn't even want me. He had another wife just a couple of months before he left me. And it was the most devastating thing that could have happened to me. I gave up work, school and four years with that bastard for him to get another female right under my nose. It was disgusting.

As Michael stopped playing we went and headed home. I reached my tiny 2 bedroom apartment, which was the only thing I could afford and the only thing I could get in short notice. Mother would help a lot by watching her grandson while I went out and searched for a job. I grabbed my laptop and went through the internet looking for any job listing but nothing came up. I gave up and made dinner for Michael and after dinner I made him go to bed.

I laid on my bed frustrated and torn. When I showed up on my moms porch with mascara running down my face my mother welcomed me and her grand kid. I knew I couldn’t stay with her and Dad their house was only 2 bedroom and I didn’t want to bother them. So I stayed for a month but I needed to get my life together and mother lend me 3 three thousand dollars but I knew that money wouldn’t last us forever. I got an apartment and the essentials but I knew I had to get a job and I had to get one fast.