Chapter 1
Looking up at the moon was beautiful, but looking at him was breathtaking.
His smile was my everything. Now I don't see it. Not at all. He's gone. The guy that I had known before was long gone from me, and now what stood in his shoes was a shadow that I used to care for. We were each other's worlds, now we longer were. My heart still aches for him and it's been a year and 10 days. Everyday we would talk to each other and do about everything together but it had all changed when in met someone new. He would do anything and everything for me, now I am with someone and he won't do shit for me, nothing small, it all just happens to do with money and sex. I don't know, I can't stand feeling like this. It all just feels like a big lump in my fucking throat and it hurts so much. I have no one to ever talk to but it doesn't matter, does it? Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything but just cry and feel hopeless, but the thing is that's what my heart thinks, not my brain. I have no idea which one to listen to.
Well anyways, I know most of you will relate to most things that I have gone through and will be going through, I just want to let you know you have someone that has been going through similar things as you. I don't know if it does get better or not. I don't know if people change. Just know that sometimes you may feel like utter shit. Most of the times I know I have, yet I still go through it. So many times, did I try suicide. Or thought about it. I swear to God, being molested fucked up my brain, at times I have thought so many wrong things to do. Yet I never acted on them. I couldn't and wouldn't, even I wanted to.
Usually I feel so alone. People only talk to me if they get something out of it and then I'm completely fucking invisible, this shit gets on my nerves. I get treated like this from everyone except one person. And that one fucking person I had that actually cared about me, I fucked it up with. I wish I never would have or they'd still be here. The whole ocean was in their eyes, everytime I had seen their smile my whole world would become so clear and colorful again. Now it's just dull, and grey. I just want that color again. I want it to splash on the paper like if you were to throw a bucket of paint on it. Being that happy again would be so great, I would feel soooooo on top of the world. No worries, just pure fucking happiness; the way I used to feel when I would get just that one message or picture that would light up my brown eyes. Currently I feel like a blanket that someone uses when they're cold and once they're warm they throw it back since it has no use anymore. Just a fucking tissue. Most people now really don't give a fuck about you as long as their gaining something from it. Yet they don't care how it affects us, just as long as they're happy and content that they got what they needed/wanted.
I know most people want to go back to being a kid, but honestly I want to be an old person. Just skip all this bullshit and see where I have ended up at, if I'm still with the same person I'm currently with or if I'll be with someone else with kids and animals. Or if I'll just be dead, and I wouldn't shoot the second option down, at least I wouldn't have to feel all the pain that I endured through passed years or the death of the people I did love and trust.
