My Favourite Mood Stabilizer

“Mari, there are always reasons why you have suicidal thoughts and anxieties,” my psychiatrist told me.

I didn’t agree. “I don’t think they come from anywhere. There is no reason.”

That was yesterday. Doctors and nurses never understand us patients who have bipolar disorder.

While I was sitting on the train on the way home, I poked my arm to see if I still existed in this world. I have had this sad habit since I was a child. I cried for half an hour when I got home.

I met Eiji on a dating site. I hadn’t had a boyfriend since high school. It hurt like hell the first time. He was happy, he thought I was a virgin. I though that was stupid so I didn’t say anything.

After we had sex three times at different business hotels, he invited me to his condo. I still didn’t know very much about him. I was surprised that his place was nice and large since he was a young single man.

“Mari, let’s take a bath together!” he said.

I was a little shy at first, but I wanted to wash my hair before I went to bed with him. It rained all day that day. I hated the Japanese rainy season in June and the depressing smell was in my hair.

“Come sit on my lap, ” he said from the Jacuzzi.

I went on his lap like a good girl who always listened to adults. He squeezed my butt and inserted his finger into me. It was ticklish and I giggled.

I loved his penis. It was a great shape from all three-dimensional angles. Also the colour was nice and it fit me well... maybe It was just my crazy thoughts.

This was my ad for the dating site, “I am a twenty-year-old model on epival.”

Epival is one of the typical medications that is used for the treatment of bipolar. I picked Eiji because he was the most handsome one among other guys who sent me a photo. He said that he worked for a pharmaceutical company.

I felt like a normal person when a penis is inside of me.

One morning, I went to a studio for a modelling job. I’d never heard of the magazine. They didn’t put very much clothing on me. My breasts, that Eiji said were pretty, were visible to everyone. I felt sad. I tried to think about Eiji.

When the photo shoot was over, the photographer waited for me in the change room. He said that he could give me better jobs. He started kissing me.

I didn’t need money and I wasn’t trying to be the greatest fashion model, but I wanted his big penis inside of me.

His thing wasn’t as nice looking as Eiji’s. I tried to think about Eiji’s penis while he was moving his ugly one.

That moment, like my psychiatrist said, I felt like all my suicidal thoughts and anxieties had reasons. I believed that they did come from somewhere.

There was a problem. I still couldn’t figure out what the reasons were. This dream world was made possible because of epival.