The book of you... 💜

As I'm sitting, waiting, and wondering what could possibly happen next, my nerves are slowly getting shot. I had so many emotions running through me. Finally a few minutes later not one but two faint lines appear and that's when all my nerves went away, and suddenly I felt panicked. I honestly didn't know what to do next. My mind racing everywhere, and my heart thumping loudly. I knew what was next to come. A long scary journey. Maybe alone, maybe not. I had no idea how things would play out.

As I told your Dad I was pregnant he took it wonderfully. He was more concerned with me freaking out and stressing out. I was slightly happier at his reaction. That put my mind a bit more at ease. A few days later we told his parents and they were thrilled. That reassured me even more. I knew it would be a long 9 months but with support which i never had it would be a lot easier.

Being pregnant with you was amazing. We couldn't wait to get everything ready for you and add you to our family. I remember setting everything up and packing your bag. I was excited. We used to take walks to the park near the end of my pregnancy to get things moving and we walked to this park to let your brother play and I kept telling your Dad in a few years you would be able to play here with him too! The thoughts of life with you made me happy.

Overall 9 months later on November 26th 2016 I gave birth to you, my beautiful baby girl Gemma Kae Gorby. This story is about you and to you. A long journey from the day I found out I was pregnant with you till the day you passed away. A long, hard, but beautiful journey which I will carry with me forever. So this book is for you my dear. To you. From Mommy. The book of you. ❤

On November 26th, 2016 was the day I got to hold you for the very first time. I woke up early that morning with some slight contractions. I tried to eat and relax to see if they would ease up, but hours later they weren't. I ended up going to the hospital to get things checked out and they ended up admitting me and told me today was the day! I was so scared, nervous, but so very excited!! I texted your Dad, Michael because he was at home with your brother Bentley and I had told him today was it. He literally ran to the hospital to make sure he was there for me and you and so he wouldn't miss you from being born. He was amazing throughout it all and very supportive and helpful. Labor was tough I'll admit it. I kept shaking and couldn't stop and I was in so much pain but through it all I just wanted to see your face and that's what kept me going. Just hours later at 7:47pm you finally arrived and it was so magical and special and everyone was there ready to meet you. It was a day I will never forget.

Our first night at home with you was a success. You were such a good baby and barely cried. I couldn't keep my hands off of you. I was truly blessed. Our second night however was slightly different. You didn't cry much but whimpered all night. It was strange to me and I could tell something wasn't right. It's honestly kind of a blur but either earlier that day or the next day you had went to the doctors and you looked great and good. Later on that day I noticed you felt warm but didn't think much of it because you just went to the doctors and looked good! I put a cool rag on your head thinking it may help. Not too long later your Dad got home and you were still warm and by now running a high fever. I tried not to panic and remain calm but we took you to the hospital to get checked out. I can still remember every single detail of that night as if I'm reliving it to this day. The walk in the hospital and talking to the doctors. They took you back and started sticking needles all over you. Your arms, head, and there were at least 3 nurses. I started to panic. I had no idea what was going on or why this was happening. Next thing I know they were transferring you by van to Akron Children's hospital in Akron. I couldn't ride with you and I hated that. We followed you up right behind. The tears falling down my face walking out of the hospital not knowing what was going on. I just wanted you. It was the longest night of my life.

After what seemed like hours of driving we finally arrived. I remember the security officer and all. It was such a big place. We made it to your room and seeing you made me happier. You were in a NICU box and that scared me. I just wanted answers. Your nurse came in and was talking to us about how the doctors made rounds each morning and give updates and things like that. Told us we could sleep in your room with you on the pullout couch. At this point I couldn't wait to meet the doctors and talk to them to see what was wrong with you.

After meeting the doctors and having some tests ran it turned out you had HSV-1 meningitis. We had no idea how you got it but they were treating you with antibiotics in hopes that you would get better soon. In my mind, I didn't think things could get worse. I thought you would get treated and come home. We had no idea what was yet to come. It was a waiting game.

You had your good days where you would drink a bottle and open your eyes, and you had your bad days where your oxygen levels kept dropping and you had to be put on oxygen. Days seemed long and blurred together but I know your hospital stay was 3 weeks long. Mommy and Daddy were there every second of every day. One day we were told you were a fighter and survivor but seemed like the next day we had a new doctor who told us it wasn't looking good for you at all. It was an emontial rollar coaster. I've felt every feeling possible.

Then one day your Dad and I knew something wasn't right. We knew we were getting bad news when we got pulled into a different room, smaller room with a lot of nurses, doctors, and social workers. Maybe 15 or more of them just covering the walls of the room. It was uncomfortable. They told us to sit down. My heart was racing. They all took turns talking and not really getting to the point and I was getting irritated. I could tell your Dad was too by the way he was rubbing his hands together. All their eyes on us was nerve wrecking. Then finally your doctor and the neurologist told us it wasn't looking good for you at all and that you weren't gonna make it. My heart sank so fast. The neurologist told us the virus attacked your brain so quick that all your cells were dead. You couldn't hear us, or anything. That part really tugged at me. Knowing I couldn't talk to you and you wouldn't be able to hear me, killed me. After they all left the room we took some time to let it sink it, we called family and told them, we cried and hugged each other. I couldn't believe what I was told. I didn't want to believe it. It was not fair.

Shortly after we planned a day for family and friends to come say their goodbyes. It was a very hard time for everyone to try to accept what was happening. I know I was in denial. I couldn't believe it.

After everyone said their goodbyes your Dad and I took a few days with you just us to spend time with you making memories. A photographer came and took family pictures and we made clay prints of your hands and feet and it was so fun. So fun that for a minute I forgot about the negative. Forgot that we were making these for memories because soon you would pass. In a moment I didn't want to think of losing you. For a moment I was actually happy. Then reality set back in and I was broken.

I could of honestly stayed for weeks, months even. The thought of the end was so frightening. Eventually we had to make the decision that I didn't want to make and will be the hardest of my life and we had to plan a day to take you off the ventilator and say our goodbyes. The night before was so emontial. I sat and looked at you for hours. Every detail of you. Your beauty truly amazed me. I didn't want to say goodbye but didn't have a choice.

The next morning the nurse came in and got everything situated for us and took you off all the machines. In my mind I thought you would go in minutes but your brave butt fought hard. Not for minutes, or hours but DAYS! You fought for 4 days!! We sat and held you those days. We took turns sleeping so we wouldn't miss anything. Those 4 days were honestly the best of my life. Snuggles and kisses. I will remember and cherish those days forever!

December 22, 2016 towards night time a nurse came in to check your heart and you were still fighting. I was getting ready to take my turn sleeping and once the nurse left your Dad picked you up to lay you down and he noticed you quit breathing. I jumped up fast shocked at what I heard. I guess I was so used to you fighting I kind of forgot what was going to happen. I thought maybe you were doing good maybe you would get better, but nope. I was wrong. The nurse came back in to check and confirm that you passed away. 7:51pm. My heart sank.

I couldn't believe it. You were really gone. We got to bath you one last time and I held you for hours. I didn't wanna let go. I couldn't. I wasn't ready to leave you. That moment I finally let you go and walked out of that room was so painful. Walking the empty hall in the middle of the night. The silence. I felt numb. I wanted to run back to you so badly. It took everything in me to keep going. That night you died, I died too.

It's now been 3 years since you have been gone and I'm still in denial and shock. I just don't believe that your gone. I don't want to believe it because when I do I get into this dark depressed place. I've had 2 other kids after you. A year later, Juliet and another year later, Michael. They are amazing and you would of loved them and I wish you were here to play with them and watch you grow. You only got to see your other brother, Bentley a few times and you never got to meet your older sister, Skylar. I honestly don't know how I make it some days. I'm torn between fighting because your sisters and brothers and wanting to give up and end it all to be with you. My mind is constantly in a battle and I'm such a different person and mostly not in a good way. I just want you back. I miss you baby girl. I'm sure I'll see you again one day. I bet your so incredibly beautiful and smart!

You would be 3 years old baby! Such a big girl! I will continue to write to you and continue to miss you. You are SO loved by everyone. My Gemma Kae Gorby. ❤