Very good start

"I'm definitely intrigued, but there are a few things that would improve the experience: 1) Grammatical errors -- it could use a copy editor 2) Cliche phrases and/or mixed metaphors -- try to be more creative with your descriptions than using phrases that have been used by other people in conversation a million times 3) Comma placement -- there are some misplaced commas that erroneously change the meaning of the sentences. Hope this helps! I think this is a very good start."