Made for more

I wanted more. The deprivation and hunger pained me as I groped for greatness. As I took a step higher on the mountain; treacherous and uncertain, I felt your resistance tug at my coattails. I used encouragement and pulled from my inner strength to beg you to follow me like one would a weary child. I grabbed embers from my fire to reignite yours. Pulling you with all my might up with me, your footprint following in step with mine. Though larger than mine our footprints served as encouragement that as hesitant as you were, you still traced my steps.

They journey became weary quickly, my strength rapidly dwindling. The fire inside me, that was once so hot with embers of blue, starting to dull and grow a dim orange- red. But still, I grabbed onto whatever part of you I could, and I pulled harder. I dug deeper to clinch at my inner strength- physically, mentally, and emotionall, every single thing I possessed. I was determined, if you would not follow my steps willingly, I could just carry us both—I could be enough of everything needed to bear the weight of the world that was laid upon both our shoulders. In addition, I would hold the substantial burden of the loss of who you were and the oddity of who you were becoming...I did always love a strange thing and I was willing to keep pulling. Tugging at this new new transitional monster, pulling again from my inner fire which only seemed to smoke and falter as it became mere embers.

But it was too much. The peak seemed farther away than when we had started our trek. I was now physically crumbling whilst carrying your weight, every pound and ounce and your emotional heaviness too. I was exhausted. I now begged and pleaded with tear soaked eyes for you to stand up and follow willingly without a struggle. I was so prepared to fight with you and for you. To don the armor necessary to fight for us, to rescue this pitiful creature you were becoming. Whether this creature was man or monster or who or what was to be involved in this impending battle, I was now so unsure and in no way certain of much of anything in this journey- past, present , or future.

Alas, the man become beast. The beast was so unfamiliar, and now I found his cold spirit pulling me down. Retracing the footprints we had previously made, only now mine over his, we were backtracking. The beast was ever so strong, my fire almost extinguished, my hunger and thirst an afterthought. The progress of reaching the pinnacle of greatness slowly growing smaller as the beast and I ventured back towards safety. Somehow, and for an unknown reason, I was still carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I kept loosing in footing, tripping and falling despite the easier terrain. More importantly, the heaviness from my disappointment in the loss of progress and the impending end of our adventure became another heavy weight I now added to juggle with the other, like a circus clown.

I sobbed uncontrollably as I realized I could no longer sustain the love of the beast in addition to living myself. I collapsed under the weight of it all. As I hit the earth, the fire flared, it’s surgence seemed as if the gust of wind from my fall encouraged it instead of extinguishing it. As if waking from a recurring nightmare, my body began to realize it was still starving, and even more famished from the confusing journey.

The beast and I slipped down together, an unforeseen treacherous step. Again, I found myself holding it all. Dangling immediately below me now was all the weight I had been carrying, but it felt miles away, weighing tons. The first realization and opportunity I had where I now had a choice, I could let it all go.

I feared experiencing the vision of it all crashing into the nothingness below. Uncertain of the full consequences of that choice and paralyzing fear, I grasped tighter and pulled it al back up to solid ground. Something changed in that skirmish l, and upon reaching solid ground, I realized I no longer wanted the safe journey, the fire growing larger. I found I no longer had the voice to plead or beg anyone to follow me on any journey. Whether man or monster.

The man might have at one point willingly walked as my equal, held my hand for safekeeping and encouragement. And even carried me as a heaviness sometimes setteled into my bones, mind, and spirit from previous journeys. But this man chose to become the monster who wanted safety, to hide from the battle of our journey, no longer seeking the same summit as me. I found myself afraid of the cowardly monster, who was content with his newfound indifference, but I was not meant to battle this monster any longer—-I wanted more!