Prologue: Nightmares
Amal's POV
Sitting in the living room at 4:30 am may be a normal thing for the majority of people.
They may be partying with friends or getting an important call from family or even preparing for a business trip so early to get to the destination on time.
But unfortunately none of the previous situations was the reason why I’m sitting alone at this time surrounded by an ugly silence reminding me of the horrific nightmare that I just had and was the reason of my sudden wake minutes ago.
Drinking cold water and taking deep breaths to calm my nerves down, hopefully, I’ll get away from one of many panic attacks caused by the nightmares that I’ve been suffering from so long ago.
I must look like a baby right now! Scared shitless from a nightmare making me not being able to stand a foot inside my bedroom and face my fears inside my head.
I must sound like a spoiled girl that can’t handle a simple nightmare alone especially when I’m almost 26 years old, living by myself for 5 years now and having my dream job as a graphic artist in a well known communication agency in London, well paid, loved by my family and friends, “the most beautiful girl that everyone will fall for her” as my mama describes me. Well not the most beautiful but I have my own charm ( long black hair, brown eyes with an eastern look well a typical north-African girl).
So the fact of having nightmares and panic attacks constantly was absurd and a complete lie since my life was perfect as my entourage sees it.
But what I was going through is far away from perfect, I’m feeling lost, scared and confused all the time it’s been an eternity since I felt peace I’m starting to lose faith of feeling it again and it’s all because of him, all because of my father.
That word that supposed to be the source of my pride and joy, giving me the strength to explore the world and move forward, was the reason of my suffer and mental pain.
He used to be my everything, “best dad ever! I love you” I used to scream these words with joy and happiness every time he hugs me, giving me the love and safety that I needed and wanted, I was his first child, his first angel. And he was my hero and my best friend until he died. At least the hero and my best friend died leaving only a monster who feeds from the pain that he reflect on the people who loves him the most: me, mom and my little brother and sister, we were his preys and our screams and cries were his favorite dish
When I was 13 I’ve lost my dad and start to learn a way to live with his monster and not letting him to destroy me and making me give up, so I’ve put a rock on my heart, I erased all my feelings of pain, hurt and betrayal (well at least that’s what I thought I was doing) and I focused on protecting my family, taking care of them and find for us a way out far away from him.
So I stared to play the role of the savior since I was the oldest, and deprived myself from so much things like living my teenage years like others ( well we weren’t like others “ a father who abuses his family mentally and physically and blames them for his fails and wrongs” no we aren’t normal) .
And that only made me more determinate to change our situation, I’ve always believed that was my job to protect my family and erase their pain even though I was also a victim like them. That’s why I’ve start to focus more on my studies so I can afford a better secured future for me and my family since my mom wasn’t working and couldn’t even though she wanted to, he would always threaten her to take me and my two siblings away from her- Yes he could since the man in our country and in our culture is defined as the protector of the family and has the right to choose its destiny- so mama has chosen pain and constant torturing in order to have her children around her, I’m in awe with this woman she’s a legend she’s my angel.
And after years of struggle, I’ve had my diploma and I was offered my current job and since it was our only chance to get away from him and be independed financially , I jumped on the opportunity with closed eyes even though I wasn’t ok with the fact that I will be away from my mom and siblings at first but the obligation of going and leave them was much stronger then my own feelings and insecurities, I was also afraid that I wouldn’t get along with people here since I am Arabian I had different culture background , I was scared that I will be misjudged because of my identity but fortunately people here didn’t care about those things the only thing that matters is how good you are and how much you can give at work.
As for him he left before I’ve gotten my diploma the month before he disappeared like a ghost, my family was thrilled and happy that the monster had finally left us but I know him much better to be sure he will come back driving by his hunger of hurting us so before leaving my hometown I’ve made sure that my family was safe they are currently living in a small village that no one should know about.
My first year at London was a hard one since I was trying to make my place in a new community but it was my last worries since me being here was the solution of our lifetime problem and suffers.
But little did I know that the feelings that I’ve been keeping them inside of me for almost 13 years thinking that I’ve erased them and they were under my control will come back and seek revenge for keeping them in prison for such a long time. That’s when my mental battle began it’s been 6 years now having the same nightmare and constant panic attacks without no one noticing since I was the master in putting a poker face on every morning.
Sighing, I got up from the sofa placed in the living room that I’ve been sitting on for the last 15 min, and heading to my bedroom after I’ve calmed a bit from my night routine, hoping for the next 2 hours of sleep that I still got before going to work will not be stained by another memory of him.
