Fake love

Ten years ago and ten years still, the feelings have not changed.

Much to my resent, they were all in vain. Why? cause it always been a one-sided love and love is a way two-way road, never you can find it alone.

I have watched you grow, have watched you laugh and cry. Always learned what you liked or not liked. Your ups and downs, your best and your worst: to the point where you broke into pieces.

I know you all... maybe more than you do yourself.

You were always with me, always laughed with me, cried with me, cared for me, loved me but it was never enough.

I knew that I may be expecting too much, but I knew it’s not the same as I wanted or needed.

When I look into your eyes, I should see my reflection but it’s someone else’s. That’s when I realized that my love for you was blind.

Best friends for ten years and there was not once where my love for you have falted. It was ever true and ever strong.

As I see you smile, I forget the world.

Hey.

Hey Miracle! he says back.

And that was it. Was that the only thing you had to say?

I smiled as best as I could but you’re too engaged to acknowledge that.

Your strong arms around her small shoulders, chin resting just slightly above her head. Her perfect height and body structure. Her slender fingers clutching your shirt as if she’d never let go. Her eyes lovingly watched your picture-perfect face. I could hear the two melodious laughter that you both let out.

Too observed in the scene, I almost forgot I was being late for my class.

The class session was not too joyous either. My seat used to be next to you until she entered your life. But now you don’t even bother to know where I am. And it hurts... too much.

That was how the rest of the school hours went by.

We used to walk home together after school but not anymore. I was now your second goal.

Walking along the streets I thought of the times when we would walk together happily. Well... I knew I was. There was this convenient store around the corner where we had our little play dates. I still remember the time where you asked me out as a joke and said that I’ll always be your first choice.

Something about those days... I would give anything to get those times back and relive them again.

I am sorry for taking those times for granted.

Every step felt like dreadful moments without you. I wonder what changed so much for us to be this way. Where I missed you like you were dead.

Finally reaching home I go for a shower. The only place where I could get my stress relieved. The place I could reflect the real me, face my real emotions. I could cry my eyes out, vent it all out. The only place where you would not see me naked.

Dinner times were my favourite moments to spend with you. The times when we cooked meal together, made mess together. Laughter echoing through the walls reminding just how contented we were. Just you and me. We would share meaningless conversations and dirtiest secrets. You were my shoulder to cry on and I was yours. We were all we had and needed but that was not enough. Even though you promised to stay by my side when I needed you most.

I needed you then. And I needed you now.

I am waiting for you to come home. Sitting by the table filled with food getting all cold. I knew where you could be but my head questions your whereabouts.

I walked towards the sofa silently in anticipation. I knew you would be here sooner or later. You never missed dinner with me. I watched the TV for a while to get my mind off of you. But it was filled with you.

Every now and then my head subconsciously turns towards the doorway thinking maybe you’d be here any minute. But it was all in my head I guess. Waiting has a bitter taste just like coffee.

Tik Tok, the clock sings yet you have not arrived. It’s almost one in the morning. I can’t help but get worried. This is so not you. You always made sure you’re home by 11 pm. Terrible thoughts invade my mind.

I hope you’re okay. Please be okay.

Tears started to pool but then suddenly the front doors bust open. My head did not delay to make its action. A sigh of relief left me when I saw that it was you. But not for too long.

You were drunk.

I got up fast and held your hand, helping you to steady up. It’s been a while to have to hold your hand like this. Even your touch felt different now.

You smiled upon me, caressing my cheek. Gazing at me with those loving eyes. I felt above clouds, making my heart flutter with a thousand butterflies. I closed my eyes seeping your warmth.

But my heart stopped the moment you called me by a name. A name that is not mine. Familiar yet so foreign. It felt like I have been thrown from the gates of paradise. The pain was unbearable. The wound that would scar me for a very long time.

That is what you do to me. That is how much your words affect me. That is how much you have control over me.

I hated that.

My head said to correct you but my heart just gave up. These thoughts were clouding me so much that I have not realized your lips touching mine. It felt like silk. But sadly I wasn’t able to revel in it. My heart was in so much pain that it was blinded.

To top it all.... you said the three words that I have been dying to hear from you for the longest of time.

I love you.

I couldn’t comprehend at first, I stood frozen.

I love you, you say it again. I heard you this time loud and clear. The words coursing through my body like the antidote. Healing me for the time being.

How unfair it is, really? You were actually saying it to me but not to me. I guess this is how it will always be. So I took the opportunity.

I love you too. Always.

I am pretty sure this is the only time I’ll be able to tell you without thinking of the consequences. But how I wished it wasn’t like this. How I wished it wasn’t fake love.