I.
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
The Danger And Me
Prologue:
Everyone has a routine, a constant in their lives. Some of us enjoy it, we look forwards to it and praise it. But others of us dread it, we get scared at even the thought of it. No matter what, we all relive it, in our dreams or nightmares, in our memories, in our thoughts and emotions, every day and night whether its conscious or in our subconscious. I guess I’m no different than everyone else, an endless cycle of nightmares, battles and wars; against myself, against the world, against everyone else.
Yet when I was a little girl, in the first few years of my life, I was free from the reality of the world. I believed that there was only one true evil of the world, the Devil, but he couldn’t touch us because the angels were protecting us. I thought the devil was a tall man with dark red skin and had sharp, pointed horns on his head. I believed that he had a long, spiked tail and that he carried a dangerously evil pitch fork, that he used to force the unworthy down to Hell. I thought that those who lived in Sin and used that Sin to harm others deserved to die in that Sin. I believed that only the bad people got the bad stuff, I thought that only they would experience the true wrath of God. Once upon a time, I believed all of this. I was stupid and naȉve.
Perhaps that’s why it happened to me, that’s why I went through the worst pain imaginable. I stopped believing in Gods and miracles, I stopped believing and thinking about angels protecting us and the devil only going after the bad people. I was no longer afraid of evil, I no longer pitied those who went down the wrong path in life. But I also no longer felt happiness, anger nor sadness. This made people very afraid of me, afraid of the monster they had created inside a tiny, innocent girl. My fear fueled their anger, my pity created their consequences, my monster was their faults. They were all so very afraid. They made me into the worlds most feared. Soon there was little to no escape for me. I would hear rumors and stories about myself, supposed secrets I kept, terrors I had somehow created. They got scared when I seemed unfazed, unwilling to crack under the pressure of their intense hatred.
They always seemed so surprised when I refused to tell them anything, confused on why I held all my cards so close to my chest. Then seemed almost seemed disappointed or relieved when I left their town for someplace new. I hid the fact that I heard voices, hid the truth about me being a wretched evil, tainted by all the darkness of the world. I learnt young that if you tried to tell the truth, they’d call you a freak and put you on trial to go to an insane asylum. It became clear that keeping quiet was always the best interest of myself and everyone around me.
I regret my own stupidity for believing the lies around me and for thinking that someone would understand. There are bigger things to fear in this world, more logical and practical things to be scared of. Like human beings being one of them, the original idea of the devil was painted by the Bible was wrong. “The Devil was once an Angel, and he was God’s favourite.” He could be anyone, do anything and no one would realise it, not even when it’s too late. Fearing people is far more realistic than a story made up by fanatics, fairy tales of miracles and lies. People are far more likely to turn out as monsters. However people seemed to always afraid of me, a 4 foot 6 girl who had giant green eyes with cotton candy pink and dazzling white hair? How is pink scary? Okay, maybe it kind of is but I dyed it to become less frightening. I was a tiny girl who frightened even the most powerful and bravest of men, it’s a little ironic. There is only one thing that could ever scare me. I had met evil and darkness, I knew the truth behind it. I had been tainted by it. And the worst part of it? I wasn’t actually scared at all, but I did use it to get what I wanted, what I dreamed of... Life.
How scary is that?
