YLove

The rain poured heavily indicating that it was finally the time to go home. Going home, was just another misery for me. Two years back on this very same day, I got the news of being married to a complete stranger who knew everything about me but I didn’t know anything about him. Yes, him, it was a guy not that I’m complaining. I’m open to same-sex marriages and have had a boyfriend in my college days but it just surprised me that my parents let me away with a stalker, a damn stranger.

His name is Min Yoongi.

And I am his husband, Seokjin Min.

I didn’t realize that the raining stopped and quickly pulled myself out of those stupid thoughts and packed my work bag, dashing out of the office, bidding the guard a good bye.

He’s sweet, really sweet. Jungkook.

I searched for any night buses but I guess because of rain, the bus won’t come and glanced at my wrist watch just see that I’d be late, again.

And Yoongi would be upset, again.

It’s not like he says something but just that his eyes show disappointment which I think is worse than being scolded. He’s a beautiful man, I must say I’m quite in love with him.

I decided to run home because vehicles won’t be on the road all night I guess so I sprinted as fast as I could to reach the very small yet comfortable for two apartment.

Yoongi always asked to change the apartment but I would always refuse, I wanted to stay as close to as possible.

But yet again Min Yoongi, leaves the apartment every night after one, to meet his friends, I wonder if there are any female ones, leaving me alone, not even touching me. Yes, he never touched me knowingly. He maintained the distance he liked and I didn’t mind it. I know he hates me, it wasn’t his voice that led to this arranged marriage, a good damn stupid marriage. It was my mother. She raised Yoongi when I wasn’t even born and Yoongi was now repaying her by destroying our free, independent lives. I don’t hate my mother for that. I can never hate her, I am just not happy with this life where even though we have a secret relationship, without love or even a pinch bit of likeness, we are still tied in a bond, unable to live freely.

I finally reached home and used the spare key from under the pot, opening the door to see Yoongi waiting there, resting his back against the wall, one foot on the wall tapping and the other supporting him. His hands were crossed over his chest and his eyes were closed. As soon as he heard the door close behind me, he stood straight and walked to the kitchen table where the food was already prepared.

Shit, he made that. It means he’s really disappointed.

“Did you eat or you want to eat?” He asked in his usual heavy tone, enough to make me pee under my pants. Yes, he’s a scary guy, a dangerous man. But it does not stop me from loving him even a single bit.

Wait.. Did I say, I love him? Yes Seokjin, TWICE. What!?? You probably read wrong.

“I’m talking with you Seokjin, can you please answer me? Did you have your food?” There he goes again with his extremely patient and respectful behavior once he’s disappointed at something. But, he is always like that. He doesn’t talk with me like normal couples do, touch me, act lovey dovey. Couples have their PDA at full display which I would love to do with Yoongi but it hurts that he hates me a lot and we probably are never going to end up like normal couples.

“I’m sorry Yoongi, again.” I apologized sincerely to my husband but his face didn’t change even a bit.

“Seokjin how many times did I tell you that it’s not business what you do and it doesn’t matter. So don’t apologize. Now did you eat?” He repeated his question I guess for the third time.

“No I didn’t, actually I couldn’t. Can I eat with you today?” I asked him politely even though I knew he won’t bother to give an answer. He prefers to eat alone when he’s upset with me or even if he’s not, he prefers to stay as much away from me as possible.

It hurts a lot. So much, that I want to kill myself to end the sadness in his life, caused by my mother, by me.

“Yes, we can eat together today. Now come, I’m hungry.” My eyes widened upon what I heard and it repeated in my mind, somewhere a doubt being created if I heard wrong. Did he really just say yes?

Is he okay? Did he forget to take a cigarette? Did he not have a bottle of wine with his friends? Is everything okay? Did I hear wrong?

“Are you coming? I want to start with the eating.” I turned to look at Yoongi who was patiently waiting at the table for me to eat with him.

We ate without uttering a single word and as usual when the clock strikes twelve, he asked me to sleep.

We have two single beds in one room, he doesn’t sleep with me. We divided everything for personal space. I slept without saying anything in obedience and heard him light the cigarette and humming his favorite singer’s song/rap. Then he changed his clothes and I fell asleep not knowing what happened after that.

It was an unusual night.

I woke up exactly after two hours of Yoongi leaving and started shivering badly. So bad, as if I was on the Everest. I held the headboard of the bed for support to stand up but my wobbly legs gave up and I fell in the floor with a wince in pain. I then crawled to the side table of the bed and rested against it curling myself into a ball and started crying. I don’t know why I had the sudden urge to cry and didn’t stop until what I realized was that half an hour had already passed.

I tried to reach for my phone to call Yoongi but my mind reminded me to not disturb him. Would he come if you called him? My mind questioned and I shook my head as a no.

I think I’m going insane talking with myself. Really? Talking with your own self makes you insane? My heart questioned and I nodded.

What is happening to me.

My urge was to puke badly but it didn’t come out even if I tried to get all of my food and what I had eaten today by inserting a finger in mouth nearly taking it to my esophagus, it stuck there, hurting my throat.

I started moaning and crying don’t know why and mumbled what I didn’t know.

"I want to die, my life is a lie. I lied to everyone. Yoongi, I lied to him, I don’t love him, I love him, I’m mad. I’m insane. I should die. You should die! Please kill me. In my sleep. Help me get out! I’m drowning! Why am I crying? What is happening? Why are you crying? I don’t know... I just feel like it.”

Why am I talking with myself like this?

I need a doctor? I need a doctor.

I am having breathing problems, I can’t breathe properly.

“Yoongi, I need you. Where are you. I want to cuddle you and hug you. I really need you.” I whispered to myself as my head spun and my vision blurred.

End of me? This easily. I am not complaining. This is what I wanted right?