Too Many Goodbyes

Talking to a therapist is not new for me but it used to be for smaller things like my anxiety issues, well it’s very small compared to the things going on right now. So much has happened in my life and I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I’ve changed so much in the past one year, from a girl who was simple and dedicated to her studies and wanted to make her parents proud, I’ve became someone who committed heinous crimes.

It’s been some time but I can’t get over the things I did, I can’t forget the people I did it to and the ones who I did everything for. Almost every night I wake up screaming, my anxiety is at worst, I can’t get out of the house, I don’t like to talk to anyone but being alone makes me think about everything I’d like to forget.

Few people with whom I still interact with, forced me to come here for therapy but I don’t know how do I trust a stranger enough to tell them everything without worrying about the consequences. If it was just me, I would have probably surrendered myself to the police by now, but there were a lot of people involved and some of them are just memories now and I can’t ruin what’s left of them.

I was told the doctor would be here in two minutes so I was sitting here looking around. The room was very simplistic, there were no picture of any type, just the framed degree of the doctor and some quotes here and there on the walls. The desk was very neat as well, there was a computer on the table, a name plate with Dr. Martin written on it and some other stuff organized very well.

I shuffled uncomfortably on the couch, I was battling with my inner self whether to stay or leave. Before I could decide the doctor walked in, he was a fairly attractive man in his mid 40s maybe and he was dressed smartly in a suit. He smiled at me and said, “hello, I’m sorry to keep you waiting but I like to give my patients a minute to settle and to decide if they want to stay for the session or not and it’s a good start that you decided to stay”.

I didn’t say anything, didn’t even greet him. He took a seat in front of me and said, “my name is Henry Martin, you can address me however you feel comfortable but I prefer to be called by my name”. “Would you like to tell me something about yourself” he asked. I didn’t want to because I’m pretty sure he knows all the basic details already because of all the forms I had to fill but I spoke anyways, “I’m Stella Wilson”.

I think he expected something more because he was silent for a while but when I didn’t say anything he continued, “it’s alright Ms Wilson, we’ll get to know each other a lot better as we continue with our sessions”. He was going to say something but I cut him off, “why should I trust you and tell you the secrets that I know can create even worse problems for me and my family if they are ever out”.

“I understand your lack of trust Ms Wilson” he started speaking but I stopped him again, “please call me Stella”. He smiled, “very well Stella, I know it’s not very easy to open up to outsiders especially when it’s about your deepest darkest secrets, but it’s my job to make your secrets mine”.

He got up and got a paper from his desk and put it in front of me, “it’s not usually done but this is an NDA signed by me, I’m legally bound to never reveal your secrets and if that’s not enough for you, maybe I should start by telling you my secret. There’s a reason why my name was given to you, I’m someone who is trusted by Mr. Arias”.

“I was in a very big trouble a few years back, something I couldn’t handle on my own, my daughter was an associate of the Arias’ and they helped me get out of a mess someone put me in, you can say I owe them my life and I’d never betray them or someone important to them”.

I didn’t know what to say but I knew he could be trusted, but that’s just one problem solved. The major issue is that I don’t want to talk or think about the things I’m here for, I just want to forget the memories, the pain. I want the wounds on the inside to heal and the scars on the outside to vanish.

I took a deep breath and said, “I don’t think I’m ready to go back to those memories yet”. He smiled politely at me, “Stella a person is never fully ready to go back to the most painful memories of their’s. They always hope to forget and never remember again but the only means to move on is to face those memories, to make peace with yourself, that what is done can’t be changed and think about what is to come”.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make peace with my past, I lost people without whom I never imagined my life, I made choices in their name and the consequences haunt me every second. Every time I close my eyes, I can see the damage I did to myself and to others. I try to forget, I try to think of the future but the ghost of what happened is always breathing at the back of my neck” I said. “It’s because you want to forget, but what you need to do is accept” he said.

“The thing is, one is never ready, you might think that you’ll be ready to talk about it after a few years but you won’t, you’ll just try to run away from those memories everyday until you understand that you can never run away from yourself and you’ll waste most of your life in this cycle”.

“So it’s always difficult but better to talk about it, and trust me your decision to not get up and leave today is a big step towards this, most people take years to just decide to stay, so I’m glad you did”.

I cleared my throat, “I don’t know where to begin from, I’m not even sure if I remember everything correctly, it’s just the worst of those moments that haunt me”.

“That’s alright, you should start from the very first moment, the very first step you took and the decision you made which resulted into everything that happened, start from the beginning Stella and it’ll automatically lead you to the end”.