Prologue
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Disclaimer
If you have an eating disorder and you think reading a book about it would make things worse or if you're particularly sensitive about this topic, I wouldn't recommend you to read this.
My purpose is to explain why feeling guilty towards food and never feeling enough is so wrong.
I will talk about it explicitly, so if you choose to read this book, I want you to be aware. It's up to you.
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THE PROCESS OF LOSING WEIGHT is pretty simple. It's all about calories.
The average woman needs between 1800 and 2000 calories a day to stay the same weight.
If you consume more calories than needed you'll gain weight, if you consume less than that you'll lose it. It's simple, it's math.
Calories can come from carbohydrates, fat and protein.
There are 4 calories in 1 gram of carbs.
There are 4 calories also in 1 gram of protein.
There are 9 calories in 1 gram of fat.
In 1958, a scientist named Max Wishnofsky concluded that the caloric equivalent of one pound of body weight lost or gained was 3,500 calories.
So, we can say that if we want to lose 1 pound we should be on a caloric deficit of 3,500 calories.
But the question is this: is it really worth it?
Is it really worth it going crazy over numbers, the scale, or nutrients just to be skinnier?
Well, to me it is.
My name is Hanna, and this is how I dealt with my eating disorder.
But this is also how I met Yoongi.
I stared at the dish right in front of me: grilled chicken breast with a handful of salad.
As usual, an avalanche of numbers and schemes filled my head like an hurricane as soon as my portion reached the table, because that's what food was actually about to me: daily energy intake.
100 grams of grilled chicken contains around 150 calories, salad is roughly 30 calories.
Neither olive oil, nor dressing, obviously.
'That's perfect, veggies and proteins, I won't gain weight'. This last sentence in particular was like a fixed point to me.
My belly growled for the tenth time, reminding me I craved something else, like pizza or pasta. Maybe cake or even ice cream.
"Hanna, stop it. Do you want Victoria's Secret legs or not?" I whispered to myself, as if I could somehow shut down my thoughts.
My answer was pretty obvious: I wanted it, more than anything else in the world, and I'm not exaggerating when I say I was afraid of what was on my plate.
I was literally terrified of feeding myself.
And even though every sort of expert in this particular kind of field will tell you food is a source of energy, and kilocalories the effective units of measurement, it doesn't really change the fact you can never be sure of how your body is going to react to certain substances.
But - most importantly - how is your psyche going to respond?
Fear of gaining weight.
Among all of the terrific consequences I could've feared, introducing fat was like a worm in the head.
Even my miserable portion of chicken breast appeared way too much, so let me tell you something before you decide to judge me: thinking about something else is not as easy as it seems.
Trust me, I've experienced it.
But to turn back to the story, I actually managed to finish my tasteless portion and - due to my hunger from way back - it wasn't so difficult.
The hard part comes when you try your best to suppress your damn guilt conscience, with no success - of course.
Useless to say I wasn't fully satisfied, but that was normal since I never was, after all.
I sighed, deciding to ignore that sensation and I rapidly looked at the watch on my wrist.
The fact my brother was late for his next lesson - again - was nothing new.
That particular day - as a consequence of his absence - I had to eat all alone, even though that ugly bitch so-called 'guilt' kept repelling any type of food.
But I still decided to have lunch - with moderation - which meant that if I couldn't have suppressed my appetite, I should've at least calmed it down a little bit.
Back to my brother, I honestly started to think he totally forgot about the alarm clock's warning, since he already ditched his morning classes just to sleep more and, guess who was going to be late because of his lazy ass? This girl right here!
Stupid Jimin.
"Aren't you tired of eating the same thing everyday?" the waiter asked, taking the plate I had been glaring at for minutes.
I shook my head, clearly lying. He noticed it.
How did he know I used to eat the same thing for lunch, anyway?
Did he check on my orders as an habit?
As always, I was being paranoid.
But at least I acknowledged it.
"You know you can change sometimes, right?". It was evident he just tried to joke, but I didn't laugh.
Who did he think he was? He knew nothing about me, so why couldn't he mind his own business?
I snorted in annoyance, as I looked at the screen on my phone.
02:16 pm. Where did Jimin end up?
"I'm Yoongi, by the way" that stranger continued, trying to catch my attention.
He was being so polite, and it wasn't like I did not appreciate that. I just didn't really have the time for that.
"Sure, Yoongi Bytheway, uhm.. listen. Can you tell me which is the longest way to reach the university?" I asked him. I needed to burn as much as I could.
I instantly recognized a lost expression, as he most likely thought he misheard.
"You mean the shortcut, right? I think you're confused-"
"No, I know what I said to you. Can you tell me or not?"
I was being rude, there's no way to deny it.
But it was also true that I was simply asking for informations, while he was making me waste my precious time.
"S-sure" he replied.
He gave me the instructions - pretty accurately I must say - despite my bad attitude.
When my eye landed on the screen of my phone for the umpteenth time, a flush of anxiety hit me as I rapidly grabbed my bag and jacket, realizing I was so fucking late.
02:21 pm. 'Shit' I thought.
'If I take the long way I will be late for sure'.
'Yes, but you'll finally lose some bodyfat, what do you prefer? No one will give you the perfect body without sacrifices' the voice inside my head kept reminding me.
I flinched, suddenly remembering about the waiter as he finished talking.
I simply nodded and thanked him as a response, ready to leave.
My palms were covered in cold sweat, as I wondered what my options were but - at the end - I already knew what my choice was going to be.
I rapidly handed him the money, ignoring his numerous glances at my trembling hands and my worried expression.
I genuinely considered the idea of taking the shortcut, but - at the time - my priorities were quite other.
As soon as I turned around, I heard the same male voice from before trying to call me.
I let out an automatic snort as I faced him.
"Excuse me, can I ask you something?" was his question.
My lips parted in a sigh, I did my best not to close my eyes.
Well, I was going to miss the first minutes of lesson anyway, so..
"Of course". Faking a grin, I waited for him to continue.
To my evident surprise, that apparently awkward stranger instantly showed me the cutest smile I had ever seen in my entire life and, honestly talking, he was actually really handsome.
I found myself thinking it was so weird that I hadn't noticed it before.
"You know my name but I don't know yours". Oh.
"I'm sorry but I have to go" I answered back. Was he trying to flirt? Or was he joking? Too much time passed since the last time a guy showed interest towards me.
The only thing I know for sure is that I heard him stutter an 'okay', but before I could let Yoongi say anything else I closed the diner's door behind me.
Within the fraction of a second, as a reaction to the brusque temperature change, the cold air hit me like a gelid slap as soon as I got out of there.
My fingers slowly zipped my jacket to my chin, wondering why didn't I wear the one that covered my thighs.
My attention quickly shifted to my legs, a wave of irritation engulfed me as I couldn't bare that sight anymore.
I glanced at the people around me, feeling like every single one of them was looking at me, but - as always - paranoia was my one constant along with guilt. Nothing new.
But hey, that was the decision I chose to take, after all.
Eating disorders can eat you alive when you don't eat at all.
Food isn't energy or nourishment anymore. Food is numbers, calories in vs calories out.
You have to burn as much as you can, in order to be skinny and healthy.
But is skinny and healthy the same thing all of the times? Is it really worth it forgetting about the rest of the world just because you hate yourself way too much?
Months before I would've flirted with that guy without so many problems but, that day, the thought of that small piece of chicken making me gain weight was killing me from the inside.
Why did I feel like I wasn't pretty enough? What was going on in my mind?
To be honest, I knew it. As I said before, food wasn't energy or nourishment anymore.
Food was the enemy.
