Useless material

I Can’t do This

I drive around the corner, I can’t wait to get in my bed and take a good nap. Last night just kept me up leaving me only a couple hours of sleep for my job. I parked my car in front of my house and unzip my vest as I walked to the door, strangely my mom was here.

“That’s weird, usually she is not here around this time,” I thought. I shrugged my shoulders and hurried to the door to unlock it because it was a bit chilly outside for it only to be 5pm.

I opened the screen and my mother came barging toward the door. Her eyes were puffy which wasn’t usual for her. She looked at me with hope and then with slight disappointment. She opened the door for me. I walked inside and saw all the lights were on and my grandmother was in the living room with a long stare in her eyes. I could feel the air was tense, the heavy atmosphere once I walked in. I had stopped in the middle of the living room and I decided to ask.

“What happened?” I asked I looked around and didn’t hear my brother in the house as well.

“Where is Jay?”

My mother sat on the couch and looked at me with her red puffy eyes. “He’s gone. He got up and was saying he couldn’t live here anymore.” My stomach dropped to the floor. I was confused, I mean I knew things were bad but so bad he would run away? He was only sixteen! My anxiety started to set in as each and every bad situation started to swarm my head.

“W-what happened, why would he-”

“I found out he has been taking my car at night to see this girl.” My mom sat up and placed her arms on her legs clasping her hands together looking down. “He might have been taking yours to. He has been texting her and she wants him to start smoking and shit,” she said in disgust. I was shocked, I knew he wanted to sneak out to see this girl but I told him “No you cant use my car are you crazy, boy go back to bed.” He wouldn’t lie to me like that. He wouldn’t do this.

“He wouldn’t take my car, I mean he wouldn’t do that.” My heart was racing, like I needed to move from this living room and go find him and ask for the truth. My legs started to turn to jelly. My grandma butted in.

“Yea he has. He has been moving the cameras on the outside, and he started yellin at your mama, like he ain’t got no fuckin sense.” My mom got up from the couch.

“I’m going to go look for him again,” She said and left the house. She got in her car and yelled, “Call me if he comes back!” I said okay and closed the door leaving it unlocked. I looked at my grandmother knowing there was more than what is being said. I walked over to her.

“What happened while I was at work? Why didn’t y’all call me?” My granny was ready and immediately started ranting to me what happened in her slight country undertone that would usually show when she was upset.

“Jay and your mama woke me up yelling about him going into her stuff and she was gonna send a message to this girl he is datin and he was just yellin at yo mama like he had no goddamn sense. I had to finally but in and tell him he can’t be yellin like that in my house, so your mama started to tell him if he wants to act like that he can live on the streets like your daddy, smoking and shit if he follows this girl around. The more they started to argue the worse they both got. He was yelling at her trying to tell her she cant talk to people like that, then I told him to get the fuck out my house...”

Everything started to blur. I knew this story had it flaws, during all the arguments we have ever had in this house it would never escalate to where my brother was the only bad guy. I needed to find out what actually happened.

“He can’t come back here I aint lettin no disrespectful kid back in my house...“She said

lastly.

I knew I had to get my brother back.

Three hours later I was restricted in the house, my uncle had came over to try and look for him, I knew the password to his everything, just to see if he had texted a friend where he was and he was safe, unfortunately nothing just unread messages from his friends that seemed like they had no idea what had happened, not even his best friend who we contacted and asked. My heart was beating so fast I tried to drive and see if he was near but nothing.

“Don’t sneak him in Tina he has to get his act right and apologize to me! I -”

*Clink!* We were all quiet. Confused on what that was while we are all in the kitchen.

“What was that?” Asked my granny

“My brother!” I thought. “Shhh” I told them. We waited a bit again.

“There wasn’t nothin -”

*Clink Clink* again against the window. It sounded like rocks.

I don’t know if they were scared or shocked but they didn’t move. I decided to go see, I took off my work vest and set it down the tablet.

“Where are you going,” Asked my uncle.

“To go see.” I said simply hiding my panic. I walked out the front and around to the back each foot step getting more eager than the next hoping my brother didn’t run. As I reached the backyard I whispered “Jay!” Then my heart stopped but my feet rushed in his direction as I seen his head look up from behind the wooden gate, like he was hiding in the ally. I hurried to the backyard gate and opened it to the ally, and closed it.

His eyes were puffy, he looked at me like he wanted me to say something, to yell at him, to pull him back to the house yanking and screaming but, I didn’t. I just looked at him back and just latched his arm with mine. “Come on.” He just turned with me and we walked down the alley, while the dogs barking were leaving a trail behind. We looked behind to see if we were being followed we weren’t thankfully. He started to cry heavily. I rubbed his back while he cried a broken sob and he let me actually comfort him. We walked away from the house not saying anything . He had a new white jacket on that said “L.A.” in blue print and pants, he looked like a stranger by the clothes but my little brother in the face. We ended up walking all over the allies in our neighborhood, not saying anything just enjoying the company. We stopped at the curb one block away from our home, after stopping the ice cream truck to get some Lucas he paid for. One hour we sat outside, eating candy and watching cars roll by us. Our silence was like a secret language for us. My brother was killing ants and I looked beside him and I saw him trying to search for the right words to say, then finally after a painstaking time of no talking he finally spoke.

“Tina, I-I don’t know what to do.” He said with his voice cracking. He started to spill the Lucas on the side walk slowly like he was counting each grain.“I can’t deal with her anymore. I can’t wait till I move out.”

I just looked at him. “What happened, you know, mama and granny told me a different story.”

He sighed, you can see his mind repaying the events going over each detail. “I wanted to use her wi-fi on the tablet and once I opened the tablet I saw she had got my girlfriends number and.” He choked up. I continued to listen. ” She was cursing at her, and was saying she would ruin her life and she is bad for black boys, that she is trailer park trash, that she knows where she lived, Tina she was being so cruel. She didn’t send it yet so I-I took a video of it and I changed the password on the tablet. I woke her up and asked , why did you say this?.” He started to throw pebbles in the street in anger. “She said she is grown and she and do whatever she wants. I told her you can’t be talking to people like that especially a young girl. She got mad saying I shouldn’t be going through her shit, and why was I.” He wiped his tired tears. ” I told her and how I found it, she was saying that she knew I took her car that once, and that my girlfriend has been making me smoke weed, which is a lie, she didn’t make me do shit. I told mama that she didn’t, but she wasn’t listening to nothing.” He started to tear up and his voice got croaky. “She told me to get out, her and granny, and they didn’t even stop me Tina, t-they didn’t even stop me.” He started to cry as his tear dropped on the spilled candy. “She was talking about s-stuff we aren’t even talking about! Just arguing about other shit.” he shook his head like he was giving up.

We don’t cry, but right now i’m seeing a once in a lifetime event, and the one thing I needed to do was to be strong for him.

“Jay you can’t live out here. Do you want to live like our dad? It gets cold at night, how can I sneak you in? Bring you blankets and pillows without them seeing. They were talking about you never coming back.” He was just quiet crying. “Why did you get new clothes?” I asked.

“I didn’t want them to know what I looked like so I walked to the store and got clothes and some food. Then mama would drive past I would hide in the alley behind the trash cans.” I nodded. “Smart”. I thought. “Tina-” He started to cry harder. “I can’t do this anymore.” He started to drift into a panic attack. “I-if they throw me o-out im gonna kill myself.” My heart left me. My soul was scared to death.

“N-no you won’t.” As the wall of tears started to break.

“Yes y-yes I will. I can’t do this anymore.” Then something in me snapped and decided to bring up this dark little monster of our past.

“Jay n-no you don’t.” I cried as I soon felt how he felt once upon a time ago. “Remember when I was going through that shit with y’all a-and I wanted to kill myself?” He cried harder and I wrapped my arm around him crying with him, looking straight ahead as the cars passed us. ” It’s because I didn’t love me. I didn’t believe in me.” I started to cry even more. “Jay it’s a dark place when you think like that, it a lonely too. You just feel a-alone.” I looked at him with tears blinding my sight of him. “Don’t ever let them make you feel like you’re less than what you’re actually worth. I did and I would never wish that on you. I love you so much. Please learn to love yourself even when everyone else is against you because at the end of the day that’s all you have.” I held his hand and looked at him. “Jay i’m here with you, I can’t lose you.” My broken brother never looked so vulnerable. “You need to apologize, no matter how much you don’t want to you need to. I will help you, because you aren’t living on the streets.” He was silent and wiped his tears. And just nodded.

“Okay.” he whispered. I got up and pulled his arm. He looked at me for guidance. I understood his glossy stare and red eyes. I knew what he was saying without saying it.

“Let’s go home.”