The gay box

Crying gives me a headache, that’s why I don’t cry. But today was an exception. I sobbed into my pillow thinking how could I, a quiet catholic girl who goes to a catholic school with her catholic friends could think of such sinful thoughts? Still a virgin at 17, without an ounce of patience for sin. How could I think about such things? All that had been on my mind since freshman year have been girls, girls, girls.

Like a dirty pervert, I catch myself peeking at other girls taking showers in the locker rooms at school. I notice how tight their shirts are around their breasts. How short their skirts are. I thought nothing of it until I did. Then I started to question: is it normal for a girl to think about girls in such a way? Wasn’t a sin and a smack to the face of Jesus and God? I took a quiz online; the results were sickening. Depression sank in swirling like fog choking my heart. I contemplated killing myself, but throwing away the life Jesus gave to me would be another smack to the face for not only God but my parents.

I sighed, what am I going to do? I could tell my parents, and they could help me...”

Or they could make me move out of the house.

I couldn’t take the chance of that happening; it was time to research for things that could help me.

I got up and took out my laptop, and looked up “how not to be gay” One website caught my eye, “Groups to help with being homosexual.”

" A no-cost group where we will do therapy, bible studies, and ‘pray the gay away.’ Please fill out the form below, and the group is from 5-8 on a Sunday.”

I filled out the form without hesitation. I’ll tell my parents that I’m getting paid to help with Ms. Martin’s garden. She is 96 and all, so it’s a believable statement. I hate lying, but this was for fixing an even bigger sin. I know God will forgive me.

I sighed as I looked around my room. The walls were light baby pink and pictures were strung on the walls held by string and clothespins. Fairy lights hung from the ceiling in a glittery romantic way. I loved my room; it was a place where I can escape from all the pressure... up until now. I got up and looked in the mirror. My hair was dark and curly and came down my waist. My skin was dark, and my eyes were a deep amber color. And I was proud to say I was curvy in an hourglass shape.

Time to get ready for school. I changed into my school uniform, a periwinkle button-down top with a white collar and a dark blue bow, with a skirt that matches the bow and knee-high socks with black flats. Sounds horrible. That’s because it was.

I went into my pristine white bathroom and brushed my teeth, did my makeup, and tried yet again to straighten my hair. Of course, it was a complete waste of time. I sighed yet again. Why can’t my life go the way I want it to go just this once?

I hesitated to open the door, what if they noticed? I mean, me being a lesb- No. I will not put that horrifying label on myself. I will fight through and deny the fact that I, like girls.

As long as I don’t seem gay, they won’t notice. So, I opened the door and walked down the wooden stairs where it leads to the kitchen. My dad was cooking. Mom already left for work. She is the owner of her own trucking company. Exciting, I know. Dad owns his church, so he doesn’t have to leave till 8. I avoided looking at my dad. But of course, he noticed me.

“Good morning, sweetie.” His big voice boomed out. My heart pounded in my chest as I squeezed my eyes shut. What if he saw right through me?

“Hello, Good morning?” He asked, “Are you ok?” I opened my eyes, to see his big brown ones staring at me concerned, I loved him dearly. But I know, he wouldn’t look at me the same ever again if he found out. So I just smiled as sweet as licking the icing off a cupcake,

“Of course dad, sorry just stayed up later than I should have. Good morning.” He still looked concerned, so I decided we should probably change the subject quick.

“So, what are we having for breakfast?” I asked,

“Eggs, toast, smoothie, and cottage cheese.”

“Yum.” I sat at the rustic wood table,

“Excited for school?” with a twinkle in his eyes, he put the plate of food in front of me.

“No, why?” He never asked, so I was curious about why.

“Well, I heard that tonight is the night of the school dance. It is on Friday. Remember? You and the rest of the student council worked so hard on it.”

Oh yeah, I wasn’t really in the mood for the dance. I had a lot on my mind,

“I think I’ll just skip it,” I mumbled while picking at my food.

“Nope. You’re going.” Dad pointed his finger at me, “You worked so hard on making this dance happen. I will not let you waste away in this house.” At one point, I’ve been depressed. So I isolated myself. But I haven’t done that in months. And the reason why I didn’t want to go was not for that reason. But I knew there was no arguing with dad.

“Fine. I got to go, school. Bye love you!” I grabbed my backpack and ran to the door, quickly shutting it behind me. I let out a pained sigh; he didn’t notice. I can do this; I can get through this. Nobody will ever know about my little problem.

School

I arrived at school on my bike; it wasn’t that far away from home. The building was modern, with a glass entrance and a steel frame. Everything was either grey or white. Students were clustered around the front of the school.

“Donatella!” I looked to see who called my name; it was my best friend, Jenny.

“Hey, jenny- oof!” suffocating me with a hug, was jenny. She had strawberry blonde hair and freckles upon freckles upon freckles. They scattered her pale skin like stardust.

“You realized I just literally saw you yesterday, right?” I chuckled before returning the hug,

“I know, but I just like hugs. You should know this by now.” she the last part before letting go of me,

“Hey, Ella,” Jeremy, with his Justin Bieber hair, and brown eyes looked me up and down as he smirked. I rolled my eyes before punching him in the shoulder.

“Ow! what was that for?”

“For looking at me like I’m a piece of meat.” I gave him, your an idiot look.

“Fair. Fair.” He laughed, before putting an arm around me, “Ya know, you can stare at me like I’m a piece of meat any time you want.” He flirts none stop with me, and it was amusing, though. I rolled my eyes and shoved his arm off my shoulder.

“You’re not worth staring at though.” I teased. He looked like he was about to say something else when Evan came. He had dark skin, buzzed black hair, and bulky red glasses. He always carried his book every he went.

“Hey guys.” he pushed his glasses up his nose. He was cute. But not my type, none of the guys at my school seemed to be my type...

“Hey, Evan-” Jenny was interrupted by the seven-minute bell. It was time to go.

The rest of the day went by quickly, nothing eventful until bible study came.

“Today, we will be learning about marriage.” Jeremy had this class with me, so of course he had to be immature about it, he looked at me and made a kissy face. I rolled my eyes while smiling before looking at my favorite teacher, Mrs. Gardenia. She just started last month, Mrs, Gardenia was young and beautiful and kind. But her ways of teaching.. are different.

“In the bible, it says that “a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them. (Leviticus 20:13), but I beg to differ.” The class was quiet. She was saying something that I was told all my life wasn’t right.

“If Jesus truly died for our sins, then if same-sex marriage were a sin, God would have forgiven you for your sins. But, I don’t believe it’s a sin. I believe God will love you no matter who you love, loving who you want shouldn’t be a sin, but rather making you cleaner of sin. Loving more than you hate, makes you a better version of yourself. Closer to being perfect in the eyes of God.” The bell rang, “Class dismissed.”

The rest of the day, I was confused. Was what she says true? My head was dizzy from all the thoughts that ran through my head. I shook my head.

“Mrs. Gardenia is high.” Jeremy angrily said, “I don’t understand how someone can just go against the bible.” He shook his head, violently.

He was right; what was I thinking? Jeez. Of course, the same marriage or love is wrong. But still, I was torn between what was right or wrong. I hated Mrs. Gardenia for confusing me.

I went home, still upset. I grabbed the flowy dark pink lacy dress, I did my makeup and headed out the door.

The dance floor was in the gym, with the theme purple and green. Lanterns twinkled hazily, and a disco ball hung from the ceiling and punch was stationed at tables in a sparkling purple.

Then, there she was. I wanted to hate her at the moment, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to try, anyway. It was one of those “That’s when I saw her moments.” Cheesy, I know. But it was true. There, a new girl to the school danced by herself in a dark blue tight dress. It complimented her curves and busting bosom well. She was beautiful. With long weave down her back and full pouting lips, light blue eyes and coffee-colored skin. Her butt was round and big. You could hear her singing to the song. Her voice was beautiful. I stared at her, gawked really. My hands were shaking, I took a deep breath, before stepping into the gym.