Gardenia's

Warm sunlight filters through the curtains in my room, only a few stray clouds obscured the light. The distant roar of a lawnmower infiltrates my room, along with the flits of bird songs.

I roll over and face the window, I don't have to worry about college, I don't have any work to do, and it's a beautiful morning.

And yet... I'm barely awake, and I'm already absolutely miserable.

I lay back in my bed, staring at the ceiling fan, and I honestly just want to lie here for the rest of summer, rotting away like the bananas we keep forgetting to eat.

I hear muted footsteps running up the stairs and stop at my door.

Loud knocks pound on my door as the shrill voice of my sister comes from behind it, “Nick! Nicky! Niiicky!! WAKE UP!! Daddy baked pancakes!”

I manage a small smile as I push myself up and drag my sore body to unlock the door.

My sister bursts in my room and hugs my legs. “Nicky!” she crows.

I lift her up and walk out of my room, making sure not to trip on anything.

“What kinda pancakes did dad make?” I ask her.

Her small face beams at me as she grins and replies with a loud yell, “CHOCOLATE FRIGGIN CHIPS!”

She almost falls backwards, so I steady her back as I turn my head away to regain some of my hearing.

I smile at her again, “mmm, my favorite!”

My sister has a super power. She chases away my negative thoughts and she can brighten up anyone's mood- even if it was the most miserable and unfortunate troll on their period or something.

She's just that good of a kid, fight me.

When we reached the bottom of the stairs, I put her down and sent her off to find her twin.

I sigh as I enter the kitchen and sit at the table.

“Mornin’ Nick,” my dad greets.“Pancakes?”

I greet my dad, "morning, and yes please."

I go over to the breakfast table as my dad sets a plate of pancakes and a glass of milk down. He sits next to me and I bring the syrup from across the table over.

He cautiously starts speaking, “me an’ the twins are going to go visit your mother today,” he falters slightly as he looks at me, “do you... do you want to come with us? I know the kids would like you too.”

I shake my head as I silently pour syrup over my pancakes, “I’ll go visit her later… I…” my voice shakes slightly. Weak. I steady it, “I have some things I need to do first.”

I sigh again.

My father places a hand on my shoulder, “You’re a strong kid, Nicholas.”

My eyes start to water, but I rub them to push back the tears.

Mom always used to tell me to stay strong. She would tell me to be strong for dad, to be strong for the twins, to be strong for her. So I was.

But, I can't help remember all the times that I've felt helpless these past few years. I never had to deal with my emotions alone, my mom was always there for me. Then all of a sudden, when I needed her comfort the most, she wasn't there, and there wasn't anything that I could do about that.

She was always there for me. I always had, if no one else, her to tell me that everything was going to be okay.

But now... Now I don't have that. Now it's just me. Now, I don't have her warm hands reaching out to me, either at four in the afternoon or three in the morning.

I'll never have my mom pull me into a hug, brush her hands through my hair, and kiss my nose until I calm down again.

She'll never be able to look me in the eyes and tell me, ’stay the same Nicholas. Stay strong enough for me, and don’t ever grow up.’

I'll never be able to feel her warmth again, and that hurts.

But it hurts so much more to hear the words she used to tell me come from my dad who before would never have given feelings a second thought.

Don't get me wrong, I love him. I swear I do, just...

I just really, really miss my mom...

My dad's voice pulls me back to the present, “You’re strong, but you know that you don’t always have to be.” His voice is calm, but his eyes were shining with... something.

It's pain. He's hurt that you couldn't keep your promise to mom and shut down for months. You weren't there for him or the twins, so he had to step up.

The guilt hits me like a meteor, “I Know, I know, don’t… don’t worry about me. I'm alright now, just... just getting over the last days.”

He starts again, "I really think it'd benefit us if we went to go see someone..." he trails off

He thinks you're pathetic.

I smile at him slightly before turning back to my pancakes.

Small brown circles litter the pancakes, making the chocolate chips look like freckles. Freckles are cute.

He sighs as he stands up, “we’ll be at the butterfly park afterwards if you want to join us,” he said.

I nod and drink some milk. Milk is nice. He leaves the kitchen to go find the twins, leaving me at the table. You're stupid.

Shut up...

I let out a long sigh as I finish eating. How many times have I sighed today?

... Too many, I decide. I dragged myself upstairs after eating and fought my way back to sleep.

I hate summer.