The price of silence

I WANT TO dream

I WANT TO live

I WANT TO die

I DON'T WANT TO die

... nothing matters now.

I’m reaching the point that I’m ready to go at any moment, just need a trigger.

I won’t live this life if we can call it life

It’s just lying. Poker faces. The truth is,

I tried to say it twice, something weird and not expected happened. My brain wanted to say it, my mouth wasn’t responding, huge moment of silence. I was chocked entirely that even my body didn’t want to say it!

25 years of silence and trapped in it.

I can’t work, I can’t move I can’t live I can’t...

All my resources are used to keep the secret.

I still don’t understand how they can live freely

maybe, they are too busy and I’m not enough...

I just know one thing, if I try to forget it comes back so fast and so hard my body becomes as sick as my mental and for one week, I sleep most of the time 24/24.

I doubt medication or therapy can help me.

I’ve already said what I was thinking about the past of the concerned people:

“A murderer can change?

A cheaper can change?

or you are marked to a lifetime

that’s what I believe

A rapist stays a rapist even if he is the greatest person now.”

The worst in such stuff

I WASN’T the person who was rapped

I’ve “just” seen the rape. I was so young that my brain empathize so I felt it like it was me I just cry when I write this....

it’s looping in my brain even when I have the eyes open, I can see all details

I’ve seen the true despair in the eyes of the victim and my soul has been sick since

I’m not a believer since that day

I was innocent

I was pure

I trusted my family

my brothers

“we will tell to parents when we will be adults”... I couldn’t breath

Now I’m an adult I cry like a baby

Every one is saying why at 31 he has no job no home no girl nothing?

The answer is simple, I can’t have a job cause I can’t carry the problem from others poeples, I have no home cause I can’t be a man, I have no girl cause I’m afraid to become one of them, I won’t have kids cause I’m worried about genetics behaviours

I don’t want to give it to next generations.

I just want to put an end of it.

All of it.

s l e e p for a long time.

I’ve lost all hopes at my age I should dream of

I’m fuckin falling and falling in a hole of distress and I can’t call for help...

After years I’ve started to see me like a shield, a protection for my parents, they can’t know it would be worst than keep the secret.

But I wonder, all those questions, all theses predictions always lead to something worst than sacrifice myself. Cause they don’t know, they don’t carry, they can only imagine, instead of live with a secret like that.

BORN to be a witness of the worst part of human kind

BORN for nothing but keep the secret intact

is it useful to live?

Am I ?

what am I

I’m not brave

I’m not nice

I’m not kind

I’m not awesome

I’m not cool

I’m not handsome

I’m very good to keep secrets if it’s a quality i’m not that sure

that end my life to

P - o - i - n - t - l - e - s - s

I see no light anymore

I even write it in english cause I can’t do it in my main language.

I start to feel it this time it works...

I start to calm down, my brain is tired I can feel it, it wants to sleep, but not this time, another time, another crise.

I’m aware.

I’m sorry to share it to you who ever you are, I know it’s starting to poison your mind,

don’t do like me

talk about it

don’t keep it for yourself.

I feel guilty to share this amount of darkness with you,but I feel better cause it’s less heavy than the silence.

It’s the way I’ve found to survive, I know it will give only few months to peaceful moment, it’s the way I’ve found to continue but one day it won’t work and I know it - I know it deeply and I’ll just... I will stop to want... Please don’t judge me, I do it every single second of my time... It consumes

I’m so sorry.