A Marionette

The funny thing about the ruin of a friendship is that no one talks about the pain, as one talks of leaving a lover. With Sunny and me, our ruin was a gradual process, yet with an abrupt end. The pain of letting someone go who has morphed you into someone you are today is at times disappointing. I haven’t talked to her in two years, but I think about her almost every day. It’s the tiny things that make you look back. Seeing the colors from your innocence, the sense of familiarity. How do you see her in every friendship you have?

When you meet somebody that has truly morphed you, it is difficult to just forget, even if you want nothing more. Every time you cried or confessed a secret, it remains a part of that pact within your life. Each laugh you ever shared through a dirty joke, every new question about what we are, it stays. It felt truly magnificent to have somebody to confide in. It feels amazing knowing it was her.

I remember the sweet summer days, basking in the sun, and laying on a trampoline. I remember feeling for the first time, that I wasn’t alone. Yet, throughout every meticulous detail, you remember the lies, deceit, anger, and the hatred that comes along with growing together. We were figuring out our place in the world. The future comes every day after today, and we all run out of days.

I can’t recall every memory of that September day. Every hour that passes, I lose another small detail from my mind. But I will always remember the sense of being welcomed. It was truly a peculiar feeling for me. I lived inside of a world where I always felt something was wrong. I couldn’t talk to people in a normal way as I saw others doing. I wouldn’t talk to anyone because I didn’t know-how. I had no clue how to transfer into the state of charisma.

We turned in our minivan to the road of the place my mother was sending me next. I was only in fifth grade and had already been through 3 schools. Each one I hated, so my mother pulled me out. She told me that this one was different. To be honest, I liked school, but I hated the lack of understanding. It was the fact that I didn’t know how to make friends. But my mother was right. This school was what you would call a hippie school. It was started by parents who were fed up with the public school system, so they started their own system. Every class was outside when it was warm, and the classes were so tiny, that they had to make each classroom three different grades. Since I was going in for my fifth-grade year, it was going to be in the butterfly room. That’s correct. They had different animal mascots for each room.

I met her there.

“ Hi! Your name is Aspen, right?” She said. We sat next to each other in the office. The first words ever said to me in this new place. “ I’m Sunny, I’m kinda annoying so beware.” She laughed. Her self-deprecating humor brought comfort to me strangely. She had braces, that was the first thing I noticed. Long, stringy blonde hair, and tiny stature. “ My moms the vice principal.”

“ Nice to meet you,” I said, looking at her for one second, then dropping my eyes again.

“ It’s true. She really likes to talk.” A girl leaned over. She was sitting two seats away from Sunny and scooched closer. “ I’m Anna.” She said, reaching her hand over Sunny. I took it hesitantly, for I didn’t want to seem rude to either of them. Sunny sat in the middle and watched our twos hands shake with an annoyed face. As soon as we stopped, she proceeded normally.

I didn’t talk to very many people in the first few weeks at this new school. I didn’t understand the math or the English, or anything the other fifth graders were learning. I didn’t go to half a fourth grade. My mother decided she would try something called “unschooling” for the second semester of fourth grade. I didn’t do anything all day. I was so incredibly far behind everyone else, and I couldn’t explain why to do to my embarrassment. They did long multiplication like it was easy, and I just couldn’t do it.

Besides me, Sunny, and Anna, there was one other fifth grader. His name was Rhett. Honestly, we all looked like we could be siblings. He was quiet too, but he had friends. His mother had started the school along with Sunny’s mom, and they had grown up being playmates.

All the boys sat together at lunch on one side, and all the girls on another. There was another new girl who was in seventh grade, who was maybe even quieter than me. I was drawn to her because of course, we were both new, and so it was easier. Her name was Katrina, and we quickly became each other’s home base. Sunny and Annabelle sat with other 7th graders at another table. Katrina and I would sit in silence, for the most part, muttering some small talk from time to time. That was the routine for the first few weeks. Go there, get frustrated over my schoolwork, sit in silence with Katrina, go to recess, and then more work, and than home. Sunny and Annabelle always smiled at me and talked to me, I just never approached them first.

In October, when the weather was hot but cooled with the breeze, that was the first moment of many moments. Annabelle got sick, and couldn’t come to school. Sunny felt awkward sitting with the older girls without Annabelle. They were sort of a team, with Annabelle always leading the way. Sunny asked to sit with Katrina and me. I don’t remember exactly the conversation we had, but it wasn’t a bad one. It felt really good not to sit in silence for once. She brought light into my lunchtime. Suddenly, we sat near each other in class. We didn’t talk very much, but I felt warm knowing that I had a confidant, even if it wasn’t a close one.

When I got home, it was the first day I hadn’t asked my mom to let me go back to homeschooling. It seemed as if my mom hadn’t even noticed. Nothing I did ever really seemed noticeable, which is a given, considering I’m a middle child. Growing up, I was always the one who had to share everything, the one that was mostly forgotten. I always told myself it wasn’t me, but my birth order. To be honest, I didn’t enjoy being with my family. Looking back, I never thought of my true state. It never really came into my mind until I was older. My true, authentic state was and still is solitude. I knew it then, I just never addressed it.

One day, Sunny asked me something during the middle of work time.

“ What’s your mom’s number?”

“ Why?”

“ My mom wants to call your mom so you can come over.”

I hadn’t been to a friend’s house since second grade.

“ You want me to come over?”

“ Sure.”

“Alright.” I wrote in on the side of my worksheet, tore it off and gave it to her. I memorized my mom’s number in case of an emergency. Her number was most likely the only thing I learned through her “ unschooling”. Sunny slid it into her lunch bag.

“ I’m so excited! I live right down the street from downtown, so maybe my mom can let us walk there and we can get a milkshake or something, and then we can come back and jump on the trampoline, and then we can watch a movie and play with my dog. I have a really cute dog, by the way, her name is-”

The teacher, Ms. Becca, shushed her and she went back to her work in an alert fashion. Annabelle was right, she really did like to talk.

While I sat beside her, a smile on my face, I felt good.

***

My mother was ecstatic to hear from Sunny’s mom. She didn’t show it, but I could feel the energy, she was relieved. My sister, Autumn made some new friends too, she never really had an issue with that. Time would change us and eventually, there would be a flip in personalities.

Her house was small, with no air conditioning, but it was beautiful. It was a great home for a three-person family. The living room was warm and inviting, the artwork was everywhere.

“ Set your bag down. We’ll go to my room for a sec, and then we can get milkshakes.” She said, already walking to her room. I followed her. It was right near the living room. Her room matched the entire mood of the house. A nice baby blue, with a sky, painted all over the walls. She had an orange swing hanging from the ceiling.

“ You wanna met Charlie?” She asked with a smile.

“ Is that your dog?” I asked. She giggled.

“ We can meet at Frenchie in a second.”

“ Wait so whos Charlie? Wait, do you have a boyfriend?” I asked. She burst out laughing.

“ No!” She opened her closet door and grabbed something in her arms. She turns around to reveal a baby. No, it was a baby doll. A very realistic baby doll.

“ Sunny! What is that!”

“ This is Charlie, my baby.”

“ That’s scary!” I said. I wasn’t scared though, I was actually fascinated by it. How did they make it look so realistic?

“ Charlie’s not scary. I got him for my birthday.” She looked at me. “ You wanna hold him?”

“ Okay.”

She passed the baby to me. It was surprisingly heavy, and it had a blue onesie on. His hair was blond, and his mouth was closed. His eyes were blue, and it seemed as if they were staring right at me.

“ He’s cute,” I said. She plopped down on her bed.

“ What do you think of Annabelle?” She said, staring at her ceiling. I sat in her swing.

“ She’s always been nice to me.”

“Ugh, I hate her.”

“ But aren’t you guys like best friends?”

“ You can be friends with someone and still hate them.” I stared silently out the window. “ She thinks she’s better than me, just because she’s better friends with all of the middle-schoolers.”

“ Why are you even friends with her?” I asked.

“ Cause we’re the only two girls in our grade. I mean, besides you. Oh yeah! Did I mention she likes Rhett? I mean, what the heck? She knows I’ve liked him since pre-school.”

“ You have?”

“ Yeah, we’ve known each other for like, ever.” She stopped. She looked at me slowly. Her toned turned to the little girl to accusatory. “ Do you like anyone?”

“ Um.” I didn’t know how to answer this. She knew everybody in that school, and I knew she wouldn’t believe me if I said no one, and I obviously couldn’t say Rhett, not that I liked him at that moment. I didn’t want a controversial appearance in school if she told anyone about a non-existent crush.

“ You can trust me. We’re friends.”

I was gonna fake one. She just told me we’re friends, and the last thing I wanted to do was screw that up.

“ Tony. I like Tony.” I blurted out. Tony was a year older than us, but we were both in the butterfly classroom. He was the most public-school kid I met in this private school. He was a popular as popular could be at a small hippie school. I looked at her face, she didn’t look convinced. “ Yeah, he’s super cute.” I continued.

“ Don’t worry, everyone goes through the Tony phase.” She said, satisfied.

“ Wait, did you?”

“ Oh my gosh, for like a day!” She hit me with her pillow playfully. Then there was a silence. The smiles lifted from our faces with time.

“ Why are you so quiet in class?” She asked me while looking at her ceiling.

“ I guess I have nothing to say.”

“Everyone has something to say.” She responded.

“ Well, I’m new, and I don’t really know anyone that well,” I said

“ I’ll get you out of your shell.” She turned her head to give me a smile. I smiled back.

We continued with our meaningless, shallow, fifth-grade conversation for the next thirty minutes. We used mild gossip about our classmates as a bonding tool. I wasn’t mature enough to understand the flaw with that system. She said things about classmates I barely even talk to, yet I believed every word that spilled out of her mouth. Her mother peeked into her room in the midst of our meek laughter.

“ Are you girls going downtown?”

“ Yeah, mom.” Sunny jumped off her bed. “ Can I have some money so we can get milkshakes?”

We walked on the sidewalk on a sunny day, Sunny with her mom’s crisp ten-dollar bill in her hand. We walked past the toy store where I would have my first kiss, I didn’t know that. I was walking with a person who would change my life forever. Part of me knew that.

We walked into Rocky’s, a fifties theme dinner. Thinking of it now, a strong sense of nostalgia fills me. I would spend at least 500 dollars here over the next two years. I loved the booths, and how when they made your milkshake they would always bring you the leftovers in a big metal cup. When I had no money with me, Sunny would always let me have the cup.

“ Hey, Sunny.” A random dark-haired woman appeared. She had a toddler on her hip. “ How’s your mom?’”

I sat there awkwardly as they had some small talk. I noticed how easy it was for her to talk to someone whom she barely knew, how she thrived in it. It was an unintentional stab right to the chest. Eventually, the dark-haired woman left us with our milkshakes.

“ That’s Annabelle’s mom.” She said resuming her drinking.

“ Oh.” Was I all managed to get out? I didn’t know what else to say, thriving in conversation was never something I achieved.

“Next time we should invite Katrina. She’s so quiet.” She said.” At lunch, we just sit there. She’s super nice, but it’s just uncomfortable.”

“ I think she just moved from Texas or something.”

“ I thought it was Maine…”

“ I don’t know.”

We left Rocky’s filled with sugar. There wasn’t much else to do in this tiny town of Brevard. They had two good, affordable restaurants, one toy store, a one-room movie theater, and a park. That’s all there was to do for people our age. We decided we would head back to Sunny’s house. It was around 4:30 when we returned.

“Back so soon.” Sunny’s mom said from the other room.

“ Well, the movie playing was PG-13, so there wasn’t much we could do.” Sunny replied.

“ Well, do you girls want to go swimming a Pisgah?”

Sunny looked at me, expecting some reply.

“ I’m fine with whatever,” I said.

Twenty minutes later, I was in Sunny’s bathing suit in the car on the way to go swimming in a river. I felt a rush. Is that was living is like? Her bathing suit was a bikini, the first time I had ever worn one. My parents told me I wasn’t mature enough for one, even though there were literally toddlers at the pool with them. The top was a muggish pink color, with pineapples all over.

We hiked to our spot for about ten minutes before finally finding it. It was gorgeous. In early October, the dragonflies were still out. At least eight of them surrounded the water. Within the early stages of the sun setting, a ray bursts through the trees to reveal the rivers green tones. In fact, green was surrounding the area. Across the river, there was a rock that people jumped off of. Just the thought of the fall awakened excitement in me. It was at least fifteen feet tall. A strong beat heats me as I imagined jumping off. I recognized the feeling… fear.

Sunny wasted no time getting in the water. She ran in yelling and laughing, the true image of youth. I walked in, smiling, but cautiously. I can’t tell you how cold it was, but you should know it was really cold. Sunny had already dunked her head in by the time I was waist-deep. My teeth were chattering as we laughed and played in the water.

“ Dunk your head!” She yelled.

“ Why?” I replied.

“If you dunk your head, you won’t be so cold!”

Instinct took over me. Without thinking, I pushed myself under the freezing water, and the shock on my face was unbearable, I came up and wiped my face immediately… but she was right, I wasn’t so cold anymore.

Sunny disappeared for a moment. I look around the river, assuming the worst. Suddenly, I heard a loud yell coming from above me. I looked up to see Sunny peering over the river, a nervous smile on her face.

“ Watch out!” She yelled.

“ Sunny! What are you doing?” I yelled back. But she didn’t respond. She took a deep breath and jumped off that tall rock. As she was falling, it seemed as if time stood still. I watch her fall through every inch of air. She reached the water with a large splash. In that moment, I felt small. I wanted to experience that so badly, but fear dominated all other emotions. She came up for air gracefully, her hair pulled back by the water.

“ You do it.” She said.

“ I’m good thanks,” I replied. I was standing shoulds deep down as she grabbed me and got on my back, laughing.

“ We should come back tomorrow,” I said.

And Sunny smiled.