The First, Second, Third, Etc.

I don’t want to work on this application anymore. If I hadn’t already told my mom I would have it done by tonight, I would just get up and leave now. It’s been three years since I graduated from college, and I still have no clue what the fuck I’m doing with my life.

I can see this guy staring at me out of the corner of my eye. It’s sort of creeping me out. I know this is a coffee shop and technically anyone is allowed to be here, but I’m trying to get in the zone so I can get a job. The last thing I want right now is some creeper staring at me while he waits in line for his coffee.

I glance up out of curiosity and I feel like I’ve just gotten sucker punched.

I try not to let my heart skip a beat, and it doesn’t. It completely flutters in place, hanging in my chest while my stomach cramps into a million knots. I haven’t seen this face in almost six years now. I don’t know why he’s here, but I don’t want him to be.

I know those blue eyes, almost as clear on as the sky on a plain May day, that get accentuated by the tan of his skin that you can only get from years of luxuriating in the sand of California beaches with the baking down on your skin, glistening with sweat. He still has that same stubble that always gave him this rugged look, like he was plucked off the cover of a romance novel.

Every step this man took turned my body into a nervous wreck, because of the power I knew his touch had over me. He was the first man to ever make me feel the kind of satisfaction a simple, heated touch could have on my skin. He is the man that can make me feel that satisfaction.

“You mind if I take a seat?” He asks, pointing at the chair across from me. I didn’t even realize in the time that I was staring at him he had made his away across the shop and over to my table. He has a small, knowing smile on his face, the kind you have when you see someone that you share a secret with that nobody else knows.

“Uh . . . sure,” I whisper out, finding it difficult to formulate words in front of him. I don’t want him here, I put all of this past me.

Please God, I hope I have.

“I really like you, Kyle,” he whispers into my ear.

“You really shouldn’t,” I reply back curtly, and I can see the disappointment on his face even in the dark.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want a relationship right now. It’s just not a good time.” This guy had to be kidding me if he thought that I was seriously going to try and settle down with some random Grindr hookup in my first year of college. I was having the time of my life, I loved this city, my friends, and having somebody who depended on me for anything was not something I was in the market for.

“Oh, okay. Well, can I at least get you breakfast tomorrow? My treat.”

I will my stomach to not growl just at the mention of food. I don’t know why I feel so unattached to this guy here. I probably won’t ever tell him, but he just took my virginity and is offering to buy me breakfast after he lets me spend the night in his bed. He’s probably the closest thing to a gentleman I’ve met in college.

I’m also too embarrassed to admit I have no idea what his name is. I know he told it to me when I first got to his place, but a lot has happened since then.

I take another moment to contemplate. “Sure.”

I can’t even look straight I’m so drunk right now.

I think I’ve had nine or ten shots, eleven is possible, but probably ten. Ten.

Why the fuck is this douchebag here? He literally graduated a year ago now. He told me that I should enjoy my senior year with my friends when he fucking left me in the dirt feeling like crap. So why is he here, at a high school party, that he knew I was invited to? It’s literally for the cast and crew of a high school drama show. He doesn’t fucking belong here.

“You know . . . fuck you, Mark. You really fucking suck. Why the fuck did you do it like that?”

He takes a second to comprehend what I’m saying. He’s obviously obliterated to, this stupid look in his eyes like he’s only halfway here. He has his hand on the dining room table in a house of someone I will probably never speak to again after graduation. There are people in the kitchen, probably able to hear everything I’m saying. I don’t give a shit right now. They can come in and take a fucking seat and pop some popcorn for all I care.

“Kyle, I don’t know what you wanted from me. I took you on one da -”

“Mark, it’s not about the date!”

“Then what is this about?”

“It’s the fact that you,” I say, practically throwing myself across the table so I can jab a finger at his skinny, boney chest, “asked me out on a date after I admit to having a crush on you for two years. You just thought it was okay to do that, knowing how much I liked you, knowing that you had none of the same feelings for me and it was going to go nowhere. You still let me think there was a possibility, that there was any hope.”

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know what else you want.”

“Just an acknowledgement that what you did sucked, because now I’m stuck here, just sitting here for the last ten months in love with somebody who never gave two shits about me, ever.” I’m bursting into tears now, I hate this so much. I can’t believe I just said that I love him, because now he’s just going to tell me to get lost, because all of this has never meant anything.

“Yes!” He shouts, leaping to his feet. “I suck! That’s why you shouldn’t love me, because I suck. You will meet somebody when you go away to school, which, by the way, you’re going sixteen hours away to, and have fun. Meet a great guy there, who will treat you better than I did. Forget about me, forget about what happened, and please just move on.”

I get up to, coming around to his side of the table.

“I don’t want somebody else. I’ve wanted you, just you, since I was a freshman. I’m about to graduate high school and I still want you. It doesn’t matter if I’m nine hundred miles away, I will still want you.”

He sighs for a moment.

“Give it a year. Promise me, you’ll let this sit for a year. If, when you get back from freshman year, you still want us to try and make things work, we can try.”

My tears slow down and I’m finally at a loss for words.

“Are you serious?” I ask, reaching out a hand to put on his chest, tenderly. He moves back a fraction of an inch and I stop. I can’t take the distance anymore and I jump up against him, our faces inches from each other, both our breathes tasting like vodka mixed with whatever crappy Soda was available. “Please kiss me.”

He pushes me off. “Stop. We will talk about this in the morning, I promise. Just text me tomorrow.”

He walks off, heading back towards the basement stairs to rejoin the party while I stand in the dining room, entirely unsure of everything that I just said and did.

This.

This is what I want. This is what I’ve wanted.

He’s kissing my neck so passionately I’m praying it doesn’t leave a hickey that my parents can see. I don’t want him to stop though. I tighten my grip on him, pulling him in closer to me. His stubble rubs against my chin a little bit, but it’s a pleasant friction. His skin is so hot against mine, but I don’t even feel uncomfortable about the fact that all of my clothes are off and he can see every flaw on my body.

I don’t want this to stop. The hot air of his breath against the nape of my neck sends a shiver down my spine, goosebumps raising up on my arms and sides. His mouth moves up to my lips, his tongue slowly making contact with mine. I have never felt so wanted, so aroused, so desired, in my entire life.

It’s been four months since Mark finally got out of my life. I leave for school in four days. Everyone, including Mark, kept telling me that once I went away I would find somebody that replaced him in my heart. I guess surprise is on them and I found him while I was still home. I wish Mark could see this, see that this is passion, this is pure, unabashed pleasure. He will never have this, and for the first time in my life, I feel . . . sexy.

The word feels foreign to describe myself with. I cringe every time that I look in the mirror. I hate my glasses, I hate the slight gap between my two front teeth that only I can really see, the extra pounds that collected themselves on my body, I hate the sound of my voice. I wish all the time that I could fade into obscurity and nobody could see me.

But not today. Not in this moment.

For once, I don’t retreat at somebody else’s hands caressing my body, I leap for it. I allow him to have me roll on top of him so he can run his hands across every part of my body he couldn’t before, even if for the briefest of moments I worry that my weight will crush him. I let him whisper my name into my ear and don’t fear the words that will come next.

This isn’t love, but it feels like a flood of ecstasy to every part of my body, a constellation of stars forming behind my eyelids every time I close my eyes with pleasure, whispering his name over and over again.

Tyler.

He rolls me over until I’m underneath him and then reaches over to his nightstand for the box of his condoms he has sitting there. He looks into my eyes for a few moments, waiting for my response. We sit in silence for a few, achingly long moments.

“I don’t think I’m ready to today. I’m still a virgin. I just . . . I don’t know yet.”

He puts the condom back on the nightstand and rolls off of me, laying beside me and wrapping an arm around me, pulling us close together, my head resting on his chest. It has just the right amount of hair, the perfect amount of muscle without feeling like an exaggeration.

“That’s okay. I’ll give you my Snapchat, when you’re ready, you know where to find me. There’s still plenty of other things we can do in the meantime.”

I look up into his eyes and see the most devilish smile on his face.

I’m dancing with a drink in my hand, letting my head fall back in a drunken haze. I’m so glad this nightmare of a year is finally almost over, I really thought I was gonna scream if I didn’t get to this last weekend. I don’t even care that finals are next week, nothing is going to ruin my mood. I’m here with my friends, I’m finally free. This is all I should want right now.

I let my head fall down as the DJ slowly transitions into the next song, some nameless blast of lyrics that so many of us know the words but couldn’t tell you who the artist is. I see him walk in and it’s just like the first time I ever saw him.

Colby. And . . . somebody else.

It’s possible they’re just friends, but something about how close they’re standing together tells me otherwise. The smiles on both of their faces, both of them holding a beer in their hands. Colby slowly wraps his arm around this guy’s shoulder and I feel my stomach drop. I’m gonna puke up all of the alcohol in my system if I watch this for another second.

My friend grabs my forearm, leaning in close so I can hear her shout over the music. “What’s wrong?”

I can barely manage to yell back, “He’s here.”

“Who?”

I nod my head over to the bar, where Colby and his guy are still sitting together ordering another round of drinks. I pray he doesn’t turn this way and see me, have to acknowledge my existence. I don’t know if my body could manage it. I think I would literally disintegrate in place.

My friend grabs me, setting her drink down at a random table, pulling me close to her and helps me push my way through the crowd to the doors. I can barely hold back my tears before we are out the door and I let out a wail, sinking into my friend’s embrace. People walk by me, giving me odd stares as I continue to sob out of the bar.

My friend repeatedly asks me what’s wrong and I can’t bring myself to say it. It’s so stupid, so stupid, but it kills me because every moment I spent watching it felt like a knife to the gut, another thorn piercing my heart.

The smile Colby gave him. He practically glowed with this guy. It was so much brighter than any he ever gave me.

“Long time, no see,” he says, sitting across from me. I haven’t moved a muscle since I told him it was okay to sit down across from me. I slowly close my laptop, clearing my throat while looking down at the table, desperately wishing I couldn’t feel his eyes practically undress me right there.

“Yeah. It has been awhile. How’re you?” I force myself to ask.

“I’ve been good. You still look the same you did in my bed.”

Geez, not even a, “Oh, I’m good, how have you been?” Just going straight for the most fuckboy answer he could think of in the moment.

“Yeah, you don’t look too much different either,” I admit. He looks amazing in his suit. I never saw him in anything so formal in the short span of time I knew him. All I knew about him was that he was from California, moved to New York once his family wanted nothing else to do with him once he came out, and now he lived here full-time as an eternal bachelor.

“Are you on a break or something?” I ask.

“Yeah, it’s my lunch hour. What’re you up to?”

“Oh, I’m just grabbing a coffee,” I say, trying to laugh it out. I don’t know why I’m so embarrassed to admit that I’m in the middle of job hunting. I feel this urgent desire to impress him, to show that I’ve matured from the eighteen-year-old kid that he knew all those years ago. I’m not the same person, but I don’t feel like I’ve traveled much distance since then.

I think I’m in love.

I’ve known Mark for almost six months now, ever since I started at this new school. He’s the sophomore class president, he looks a little funny in the face, but he has the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. It’s a little crooked, which I never thought existed outside of obscure book descriptions, but his smile just seemed a little off tilt. It was unique and it grabbed my attention, especially the whiteness of his teeth.

He barely knows who I am outside of a few conversations we had at the beginning of the year when I was adjusting to freshman year. He was just being polite, but all I wanted was to stand out to him. I wanted him to stare at me with the same admiration that I looked at him with. At first I thought that’s all it was. Admiration.

But now I’m sitting here in the cafeteria, unable to peel my eyes away from him. He’s just sitting with his friends, just eating his lunch. He’s doing nothing important or special at all, but my attention is glued solely to him. I have no idea what my friends are talking about around me, and in this moment, I don’t think I even want to.

I want to know what it would be like for our lips to touch, for my teeth to slowly drag across his bottom lip, what it would be like for his hand to gently touch my body. I have never felt this intensely about somebody before him. I didn’t even think I liked guys.

“Kyle,” my friend says as she snaps her fingers in front of my face, bringing me back to reality. “Are you gonna come with us this weekend?”

“Yeah, sure. Uh, where are we going again?”

My friends collectively let out a groan before filling me in again. As they talk, I feel my attention slowly start slipping away again as my eyes are drawn back to Mark.

My eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the flight flooding in through the windows. I didn’t have my glasses on so I couldn’t see the time on the alarm clock on the bedside table next to me, but I could tell that it was sunrise.

My legs were entangled in the blankets with his, his arm draped across my body, holding me tightly to him. I was sweaty from the closeness, but I didn’t want us to peel apart just yet. I wanted to stay in this moment for as long as humanly possible.

We had taken a weekend away outside of our college town where we were staying for the summer. His family owned a cabin near the Great Lakes and he’d been promising me for weeks that he would take me up here for a getaway. It wasn’t the ocean, but it was enough because I was with him.

I was getting cabin fever back where we went to school. I told my parents for the longest time I would come home for the summer, after having only gone home for Winter Break all of freshman year. They didn’t take it particularly well when I said I would be staying at a friend’s apartment downtown for the entire summer.

The vibe of the city was so different without the thousands and thousands of students milling about in every store, every bar, every sidewalk and street corner waiting to cross. It was like a small town surrounded by much larger buildings than you would expect in one. The hustle and bustle of every weekend died down significantly, which I was sort of disappointed about, but I hadn’t gone out as much anyway since I finally gave Colby a chance.

I want to make this work for the two of us. I don’t want to go out and risk making a mistake I’m going to regret and ruin everything. For the first time in my life, I think I am genuinely happy.

Colby rustles beside me and I move in closer to him, pressing my lips against his as he slowly wakes back to life. His hand finds its way to cupping my face tenderly. I never want to leave this moment.

“Colby,” I whisper into the air, afraid of what I’ll birth into existence. He opens his eyes slightly, his attention perked. “I love you.”

He kisses me hard, pulling me as close to him as we could be, pulling away only long enough to say, “I love you, too.”

I love him, I love him.

I love him.

I love the beach. I’m so glad he took me here. I was afraid that we would get stuck doing something like watching a movie and we wouldn’t get to speak at all.

The air is hot because June has come in full force these last couple weeks. It finally feels like the middle of summer, even though there’s still one more day of school left. It’s going to be so weird to not see Mark everyday in the halls, to not be able to admire him from afar. Even if right now I’m admiring him right in front of me.

We’re sitting together on a jetty, not close enough for our hands to touch, but close enough that nobody else around us could hear a word we say.

“Are you nervous about graduating?” I ask, even though I feel like I already know the answer.

“Yeah. It’s just so crazy to think about it. High school felt like it was sort of just going to go on forever and I’d get to be with my friends forever. Now, I just have one more day with everyone I want to see.” He looks me in the eyes at the end of this and I force myself to not blush no matter what. He isn’t talking about me, he’s just making eye contact like a normal human being.

“What do you think you’re going to miss the most about it?”

“Probably the people who you see in the halls all the time but aren’t necessarily best friends with or anything. The people you know that this really is the last time you’ll see them again.”

I nod in agreement, because I know exactly what he’s talking about. I already can’t imagine what it would be like to walk through the same halls without his presence in them, like a surprise waiting around any corner without my knowledge. I wish he would never leave, that he could stay by my side for as long as I needed him.

We stay for a few more minutes before we decide to go drive to Sonic and get milkshakes. He insists on paying even though I fight him profusely about it and have my own money. I relent because there’s no point in fighting about it when the he’s the one who has to give them the money from the driver’s seat.

We pull up in front of my house, put the car in park, and just talk in the driveway while we finish our milkshakes. There’s silence for a few moments before he starts talking.

“I’m not gonna lie, I was surprised at how much fun I had tonight. I know that I told you I wasn’t sure how far this could go because, y’know, I’m leaving in August, but if you wanted to do this again sometime I would like that.”

I smile a little to myself, hoping he can’t see it in the darkness enveloping the car.

“I would also like that.”

I pace back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I don’t want to think about this, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to believe that this is actually happening. I feel like I can’t breathe and the second he sees me I’m just going to melt into the floor. I want that to happen, actually. Anything to keep me from having to do this.

I love him, I love him, I love him.

I have to do this for him, because it’s the right thing for both of us. I just have to keep telling myself that and hope that eventually I can believe it for myself. I don’t want to have to look into his eyes and do this, though. I know that he won’t think this is for the best. I know that he will hate me for this. I know that I will lose him for good because of this.

I hear the front door open and I freeze in place, holding my breath. My eyes are fixed on the bedroom door, waiting for him to push it open. I hear him rustling around in the kitchen and he calls out my name. I wait a second before I speak.

“I’m in here.”

I hear his footsteps approaching and I close my eyes for the briefest of moments until I hear the door creak open and he walks in, a smile on his face. Why does he have to be smiling?

He walks up to me, pulling me in for an embrace as he tries to land a kiss on my face. I push him back before he can land it though. I need to do this quickly and with as little anticipation as possible. He looks at me confused as I back away, worry in those green eyes I have seen first thing in the morning every day for over a year.

“Kyle, what’s wrong?”

“We have to talk about something.”

He pauses for a moment before nodding silently, sitting at the edge of the bed waiting for me to join him. I do, reluctantly. He takes my hand in his, shaking a little bit. I think about pulling it back, but I selfishly just want this last feeling of warmth for myself.

“Look. I just want to say this and I’m okay with answering questions after, but please just let me finish this first. Okay?”

He nods in reply.

“Colby, I love you. You are the first person I have ever loved. I mean that with everything, everything. Every moment that we have spent together has been real for me. That’s why I can’t do this to you anymore.” I already feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I try to keep my composure. “We need to breakup. We have to. It’s not up for debate. I still have two more years here, you’re about to graduate in a few weeks. I don’t want you waiting around for me. I still have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life. I don’t want you to wait around for me. Maybe, if time goes by, we can make things work. But not now. Not like this. I’m sorry.”

I pull my hand away as I let my face fall into both of my hands, the floodgates open as I let out a sob. My whole body shakes with the force of them. I wait for his hand to touch my back, to calm me like he always does. It never comes though and after a few minutes all I hear is the sound of pots and pans being moved around in the kitchen as he gets dinner started.

I bolt out of the room, running up to him in the kitchen, staring up into his eyes even though he’s a whole head taller than me. I grab the front of his shirt, pulling him closer to me, my eyes probably red and puffy and looking insane.

“Say something! Please! Just say something.”

He stares down at me, his eyes emotionless and cold for the first time since I met him all those nights ago.

“There’s nothing left to say. I’ll move my stuff to the couch tonight. No point in either of us moving out when the lease is almost up anyway.”

My family has packed up my entire life into a van as we drive west through endless stretches of interstate to a place I’ve never been to before. I’m sitting in the backseat with my brother, just staring out the window with headphones in, shuffling between different songs. I can’t find one that feels appropriate for the moment until I settle on “Life is a Highway.”

I feel a little nervous about moving so far away for college, but only a little bit. It feels like a relief to finally be so far away from Mark, from all of the memories of every place that reminds me of him and everything I thought I felt with him.

As we blast through the nothingness of Ohio, I can’t stop thinking of Tyler. He’s the sexiest man I’ve ever met in my entire life, even if I’m only nineteen now. I’ve only known him for four days now, my birthday the day after I met him, but my body still feels changed by knowing him, everything he made me feel.

I was supposed to go to his place again two days ago, but the time just . . . didn’t work out. Well, that’s not true.

I had every intention of going. I was finally going to lose my virginity to him, I’d already decided. We were having these amazing conversations, even if they were only over Snapchat. He told me that he was from California. He came out to his family back there and they didn’t accept him, so he just packed up his things and moved to the opposite end of the country. He had his own place in Brooklyn. He was so much more than Mark could ever hope to be.

As the messages went further and further along, I slowly got the sense that Tyler didn’t care if I ever came back to his place again. If I did, he would happily fuck me, but that’s all it would ever be. I was just another plaything to him, never a whole human being. There might not be another Tyler out there for me, but there would be somebody that would give me what I wanted.

I replay “Life is a Highway” for probably the sixth time before I open up Snapchat again. I see Tyler’s name pop up towards the top of my recent contacts. I click on his name, hesitating for a moment, wondering if I’m making a mistake.

I stop hesitating. I hit “Remove” and turn my phone off, letting it drop into my lap. I stare back out the window at the endless plains of field that Ohio has to offer, wondering if there will ever be a change in scenery.

This should be the first day of the rest of my life, but I just feel an empty pit in the middle of my stomach.

I’m finally graduating. I spent the last two years pushing Colby out of my mind, it didn’t matter what happened, it was over, I could move on, I needed to move on. I want to forget the Instagram post three nights ago, where Colby announced his engagement to that same guy who made him smile brighter than he ever did with me, why can’t I breathe, I hate this, I want to cry, I can’t cry, I have to cry, I -

“Hey mom,” I whisper as she envelopes me in a tight hug, the biggest smile on her face.

“I’m so proud of you, Kyle.”

“Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I wake up, hungover as shit on somebody’s basement floor. My friend is all the way across the room, passed out in a recliner with a blanket tossed over her. My head is pounding, my stomach is queasy, and I want to throw myself off a cliff. I know that when I went to sleep Mark was in another corner of the basement, but I look over now and he’s left his spot sometime before I woke up. I remember everything that I said and everything that he said, but I don’t know what to make of all of it. Is there really hope for us in a year?

I stumble up the stairs into the kitchen where people are crowded around eating bagels that the host’s mom brought out. My friend wakes up a few minutes later and we eat our bagels in silence. I know that everyone at the party probably heard about my explosion last night, how I pathetically threw myself at Mark and begged him to kiss me.

Fuck me, I hate this.

I drive my friend home and we just blast music in the car to fill the silence because I don’t want to talk about the night before. I drop her off at her house and let her know that I’ll see her tomorrow at school. I spend the entire drive back to my house in a state of dread, knowing that I can’t just sit around hoping that Mark reaches out to me. He told me to text him, he made promises to me, he needs to uphold them.

I get back home, say hi to my mom, and then lock myself in my room. I throw myself back onto my bed, pulling my phone out of my pocket and stare at the screen for a few moments before I pull up Mark’s contact and start texting him.

“Hey. I know there isn’t a ton to talk about, but you told me to text you in the morning. I understand if you don’t think we should talk anymore.”

I sit in tense silence for a few minutes until I see his text bubble pop up on my phone screen as he quickly writes back.

“Yeah, I think that would be for the best.”

I sit up in my bed, dropping my phone to the hardwood floor of my bedroom. I pick up a pillow from behind me as I slowly sink into the mattress, tears openly flowing from my eyes. I pull the pillow right up to my face, letting out a wail that sounds like a dying animal. I scream and scream until I have nothing left, my voice gone, my throat sore, my eyes unable to see clearly because of the tears. My body cramps up, my head feels fuzzy. I have nothing else left to give. I slowly allow myself to move the pillow from my face, thankful that nobody heard and came to check on me. I continue to cry as my eyelids droop lower and lower and -

“I think about you from time to time,” he says, that charming smile still on his face. I will my body to not betray how attracted to him I really am. After all of these years, he is still as spellbinding as the day that I met him. A part of me wishes I hadn’t deleted that Snapchat as the Midwestern scenery blended together around me.

“Tyler -” I start, but he continues.

“Kyle. You never messaged me back. You told me that I could be your first. Did you ever lose it to somebody else?”

“Yes,” I reply flatly, offering no further explanation. He frowns a little bit, obviously bothered that I haven’t spent all of these years fawning over somebody I met once in person and then never saw again.

“That’s too bad.”

“Not really. I don’t know, Tyler. I’m just in a different place in my life right now. I don’t want the same things that I did when I was eighteen. Or nineteen. I don’t know, it was the day before my nineteenth birthday. Anyway, I’ve grown up. I’ve moved on from whatever happened between the two of us. It was . . . it was hot, but that’s all it was.”

“It’s just sex,” he replies, that smile slowly creeping back onto his face.

“I guess. It’s just not for the two of us. Look, I’m actually here filling out a job application. I - I need to get my shit together. I graduated two years ago, I got loans to pay off, I need to focus on me. I spent too much time being concerned about things that don’t really matter.”

He grabs a napkin off the table and takes my pen away from my notebook of different job listings I told myself to look into today. He scribbles something down on it - of course, a phone number - and then passes it across the table. He gets to his feet, tilting his coffee cup at me.

“Well, when you change your mind. You know how to reach me. I hope to hear from you soon.” He winks at me before walking out of the coffee shop and I finally feel like I can breathe normally again.

I look down at the napkin again, my brain wavering back and forth between disgust and curiosity. I was annoyed at how confident he was, but it still turned me on. He knew the effect that he had over me and he knew that he could use it to get what he wanted. I wanted to let it work. I wanted to leave here, call him like he wanted me to, and tell him I’m coming over the second he gets off of work.

I think of Colby.

He married the guy in the bar a year after I got out of college. They had this beautiful wedding near the Great Lakes. He looked so happy in the pictures they posted. I held back tears when I saw them. I haven’t been with another guy since Colby.

God, I miss that man more than anything. I know why I miss him too. It was the patience, the maturity, the love, the tenderness, the sensuality, the respect. He treated me like I mattered, because for the small time that we were together, I did matter to him. I think I still did after. It still bothers me that I took his heart and crushed it but he was still the one who slept on the couch.

I know that I could leave here and call Tyler. I know that I could give in, enjoy myself for a night, and then move on with my life. I want to give in. I want to open myself up to him, give him everything for the taking. Tell him that I’m all his for as long as he wants me.

But I want more than that. I need more than that.

And that’s okay.

“Hey. I know we haven’t talked in a few months, but I just wanted to get this off my chest. I’ve had the biggest crush on you since I was a freshman. I didn’t even know for sure that you weren’t straight, but I liked you anyway. I don’t expect you to return any of my feelings and that’s completely fine. I just wanted to get this off my chest because I know you’re graduating next month, and I would’ve been kicking myself if I didn’t just do it.”

I hesitate before hitting the “Send” button and then I immediately let out a yelp and wish there was a way to take that message back. I want to just sink into my bed and never be seen again. I already know what he’s going to say, that he’s flattered but doesn’t feel the same way, yada yada yada. I don’t need to see it to believe it. I don’t know why I fucking sent that, but now the next month is going to be so awkward and fuck fuck fuck -

My phone lets out a little ring to let me know I have a text and I just freeze in place. I unlock it so I can read it in full instead of the notification preview.

“Hey Kyle! I’m flattered, I had no idea that you felt that way. I’m sorry, I’m just not super used to people looking at me like that haha. Would you maybe wanna go out sometime?”

“Do you mean as a date or just as friends?”

“A date!”

I drop my phone, jump up to my feet and have to stop myself from letting out an exuberant scream. I actually can’t believe it. I’m going on a date with Mark fucking DiSpigna. He asked me. He asked me! This can’t actually be real right now. What the fuck do I even say? Who do I tell first? Shit, can I tell anyone about this?

This might be the happiest day of my life. I could die happy now if the entire world was blown apart by a freaking asteroid or something.

I’m taken aback by the picture he sends. I’ve talked to some handsome people on Grindr before, but this guy completely blows all the rest of them out of the water if I’m not being catfished right now. God, I hope I’m not being catfished right now.

“You’re super handsome lol.”

“You’re pretty cute yourself. What’re you doing today?”

I blush a little at the compliment, but have to think about if I’m seriously going to meet up with some guy I don’t know isn’t catfishing me. I worked an eight hour shift at summer camp, I could always pull the tired card, but I also might miss out on an opportunity like this.

“I’m not sure. Just got off an eight hour shift. What did you have in mind?”

“With you? Anything. Name’s Tyler.”

“Kyle.”

I wake up way more hungry than I expected and also way more physically exhausted than I was expecting. I wasn’t sure what sex was going to feel like the first time, but I guess the overall takeaway is that it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. Right now, I just need food. I’m glad this guy is paying, because my account balance is actually atrocious. Too many nights out with too many drinks.

He wakes up and smiles when he sees that I’m still there. He asks where I want to go and I tell him a little diner near my dorm would be nice. I tell him they have good pancakes.

We drive over there, a little bit of awkward silence for most of the way. He asks me how I’m feeling and I tell him okay. He asks if everything felt okay last night and I sort of melt a little inside. I told him before I went home with him that I hadn’t gone that far yet and he promised he would be understanding of it. I didn’t expect him to actually care the next day.

“Yeah. I felt okay. Thank you for checking.”

“Of course. What kind of guy would I be if I didn’t?”

“Average?”

He smiles at that, his eyes staying on the road the whole time.

We pull into the parking lot and head inside. We’re seated pretty much immediately, because the diner usually isn’t too busy at this time of day. We both order chocolate chip pancakes, because they’re both of our favorites. I’m not sure if he was just saying that to try and prove some sort of compatibility, but it’s his bill so I don’t question it.

When our food comes, we both dig in. I make sure to cut all of mine up before drizzling maple syrup on them, like a tradition every time I order pancakes. He just cuts in and starts eating.

“Do you need eat your pancakes with syrup?”

“They already have chocolate chips, why do they need syrup?”

“Are you calling me fat?” I joke. His eyes widen at that and he immediately puts his fork down and grabs a napkin, trying to apologize with his mouth full. I can’t contain my laughter at how ridiculous he looks.

“I was just kidding. They really don’t need syrup, I just have a huge sweet tooth so I put it on for extra measure.”

He nods understandingly. He goes back to eating his food. I can’t help but stare at him a little bit now that there’s more light between us. He has the softest blond hair I’ve ever seen. When I ran my hands through it as things were picking up between us, it felt like I was running my hands through a cloud. He’s not as attractive as Tyler, which probably isn’t fair to compare him to, but he’s definitely the most attractive person I’ve met at school.

I know he said that he’s a junior. Fuck, why can’t I remember his name? He’s literally buying me food, I can’t not know what the fuck his name is. I don’t want to ask though.

Shit.

“Hey, uh, don’t take this the wrong way okay? I’ve been sitting here racking my brain about it, but I can’t remember so I’m just gonna ask -”

He laughs before I can get my question out, extending a hand to me, smiling.

“Colby.”