Chapter 1
Now what was that thing again that the Grimm Boys always said? Oh yes... “You aint gonna believe this shit!” No, but seriously…
Yeah, yeah, I know it. What a way to start a story, huh? So extra. It’s fine though. I got you.
Babe. I got you… Babe. Don’t forget that Babe. Sonny didn’t got his Cher, only to be dissed this way in fanfic.
So, like, we doin this now or what?
Damn right we are! You betcha. Forget ADD. No addictive drugs required. Perfectly Present without that Poison. Hyperactivity slowed to Good to Go. Naturally, of course. Au Revoir and Adieu Forever, Ritalin.
Daeeem son! Way to supersize that extra.
Say, wouldn’t this be where the musical number intro made its play? No? Okay then. Whatevs. I still gots you, Babe. So.
Once Upon a Time…
Once Upon a Time, emerging from beneath a rock under a bridge, was a lurking Troll. A bitter, dim-witted, Vengeful, B-grade Television Show Producer, lying in wait to snare unsuspecting sunny dispositions.
Hold up. That’s not how this story begins. Not with her. Let us rewind, okay? We need quiet please. Aaannd… from the top.
Take 2. With feeling.
Once Upon a Time, there was unleashed on an unwary fandom a horrendous, terrifying Tsunami in the form of a maliciously vindictive, putrid, biliously overflowing, ripe, spite and pus-filled arse boil.
Spite-filled abscess on the fandom’s bum? Oh brother. Seriously? We still doin this? Well, I never... Forsooth, thou needest halt this onslaught forthwith! Advance tward conclusion, ye ol sluggard and swoon to thine arms o’ Morpheus.
What the…? That doesn’t even make sense. At the risk of not walkin the literary dinosaur but maybe havin to walk the plank, gotta say, Cap’n, not really feelin that iambic pentameter. So much ado bout nothin really. And please sir, I dint want some more.
Neveth-the-less… I see your Shakespeak and raise you a... Dickens, Guvnor? Wink wink.
Besides, who even would have sonnets at the ready for all those skimble-scamble nonsense moments, right? That would require some serious giveth up, alloweth down, runneth round and… caterwauling? Neveth gonna happn. Absent thyself of mendacity and sayeth not farewell, homeboy.
Indeed… hast thou been Rick-eth Rolled?
Yip. Yeah. Yea-eth?
Exclamation in old English, yeh? Heavy.
Aye, timeth be’t to forgeteth that her already. And seriously… what’s with malicious arse boil? How even would that work?
So then. Let’s try this again, shall we?
From the conjoining of Montana Ice and New York Fire, Once Upon a Time, a kingdom was birthed. The Iron Throne was ruled with an Iron Fist. Encased in a stony Gauntlet it was wielded with the finesse of a mighty hammer. Infinitely. Then… madness ensued, havoc reigned and it all melted to hell in a hand basket. No, not by anything as cool as fire-breathing dragons, but... Wait, what do you mean it’s the wrong song?
Aah so… Back to the drawing board…
Once Upon a Time, without incantation, spitting thrice and hawkin loogies, She materialized. A…
… Puffed up, arrogant, self-involved narcissist…
… Maleficent Megalomaniac…
… Faux Feminist…
… Selfish, psychotic, morally vacuous pond scum (or whatever the word for solo scum is)…
… Self-deluded psychopath…
… Disloyal, talentless hack…
… Squalid Egomaniac…
… Liar… thief… murderer of dreams…
… Bottom-feeding, parasitic leech…
… Genitalia bacteria (bacterium?)…
… Cruddy toe jam?
Right okay, I know it... Predictable, aren’t I? I am inevitable! But enough about me. Frustrations sufficiently released now? Also, pond scum with no hidden depths, eh? Deep. Add to that those singular and plural hit and misses and you had the recipe for a righteously indignant 9-1-1 call to the Grammar Police.
Crime: Gross violation of writing etiquette. Sentence: Languishing in fanfiction pokey.
But really, who would even ever want to conform to the establishment? Gimme a Grammar Vigilante any day.
That last one though…
So, moving on from her. Finally.
Reader are you ready? I bet you’re gonna love this three thousand. Maybe also add thirty-one thousand more? And some change.
So… Take... Three-two-one… and liftoff?
Once Upon a Time, in faraway LaLa Land there lived... yeah you got it... A Malevolent Monarch. She hadn’t always been that way. What turned her from benign to unkind, you may ask? Well... Hell hath no fury, right?
But this is not her story, though she does play a part. You could even say she birthed this, moving along more than one path.
Wait! Don’t go! I can tell that you are only interested in exceptionally rare chemistry. Yes, you are unfooled by commonplace, correct? Like so many things, it is not what is outside but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary yarn. It is the unfolding of an alternating pattern knitted into the fabric of one person’s life. Someone who’s greater than what they seem... a diamond in the rough.
Perchance, has your interest been piqued? Or simple curiosity, maybe? Would you perhaps like to be regaled with this tale?
It begins on a dark, frosty night. Where a light-skinned dark man waits. Finding out how he’s been duped by a nefariously dark purpose...
