Journey

Everything kept sounding the same as I continue to talk about it to my therapist. I looked up just to see that she was just noting down every single thing that I had to say, listening to every detail of it but yet, I was hit with If I needed to go to the ER. I was puzzled at the time, didn’t think much about it since I was surrounded by nothing but doubt, so I was convinced that I needed to go. I was stuck in a loop, always felt hopeless and miserable. Never felt like I had a true reason to wander around. Shamed into my insecurities. Trusting many of those that I never knew would mean any harm. But yet, I felt like always needed someone to hear me out, to save me from this torment. After the session, my mom was informed about the ER recommendation and she didn’t take it so well. So we left right away and headed to a fast food restaurant for a quick snack. All I remember from that moment was when I looked at myself through the car mirror. Took a good look at myself and realized something bigger than what I desired. I saw myself in the mirror. Realizing that It was me, I was the one that could save myself from this. It was more than just realizing that it was me, but hope and faith filled my heart. A message telling me that I was able to get through this. Knowing myself than anybody could ever. It gave me hope, strength, and faith.

It’s so important to keep in mind that the only one who will certainly save you is yourself. You have the option to change things, to make an impact, and to become strong. Unfortunately, I surrounded myself with people who took advantage of me, family members who were constantly negative the entire time and my own self-hatred. I took that all in and made it my life. But blaming others and myself for the way I felt was foolish because I had the option to ignore it at all and keep on walking. I will accept now that I was weak, unwilling to give things a chance, and to accept the pain. No matter what, everyone including yourself will disappoint at one point and it’s okay. Learning that it was okay gave me an opportunity to be more open minded to things that have changed my life for the better.

My reason for this memoir is to express that the difficult part of this journey was pushing through and finally realizing the solution behind it. Anger and pain built inside of me for many years and I have always took it out on others and on myself. I won’t avoid the fact that I have done many mistakes on my part. Close to ruining my relationship with my parents, and pushing myself to be liked by others by doing very foolish acts. It’s terrifying how things can change you that easy. I was unfortunately dissatisfied with everything. . It took many years to figure it out how to overcome it. To figure out what I needed to do. Clearly, it wasn’t to spite my own existence and to wipe it out. But, to learn from it. To get stronger from that hurt inside. I, we, have always misunderstood what it suppose to represent. So when I finally understood that it took myself, my own strength to push through. Everything changed. Everything bloomed like colorful flowers. Everything finally felt so bright. My relationship with my mom grew on each day. We were closer than ever, like bestfriends. She was opening up to me, trusting me with many things, and depending on me unlike before. It was a great opportunity to change the unpleasant ways from the past and replace them with memorable ones. I took control of my outbursts and doubtful thoughts. The journey was difficult and insufferable, I won’t deny that but “you have to lose your mind, to find your peace of mind”. Anything is possible, it may feel like there’s not a happy ending at the moment but you only live once, and you have to take advantage of that. Accepting my mistakes and opening up, brought many people into my life. Now, I am quite content with what I have and it’s nice to say that nothing phases me as much as it did before. There are many people out there who are shallow and currently in the wrong state of mind who will want to bring you down but those people will never define who you are nor your future.

You are the product of your own fate. Keep your loved ones close to you, keep your chin up. This experience is yet to be important to me, very personal to me. It might sound silly to have this moment of truth while in a drive-thru of a fast food restaurant but it impacted my life. I still have so much to experience, many more mistakes to learn from. After all, we are all human beings with similar and non-similar experiences. It is amazing to be raw about your journey, to have an open mind. Keeping in mind that I have got to keep on walking no matter what obstacle I come across. Knowing that we all have so much to give to the world. There will be times where we feel like the universe is against us, where we feel like we have nothing to give except our doubts in everything, including our faith. But like I said, the journey isn’t easy but it’s possible.